Feel like an idiot with a friend

[AmusedCrow]

I posted here a couple of weeks ago about a male friend from work who had become distant and would never contact me first/started ignoring a few messages etc. And I was assured I hadn't acted out of line.

I did speak to him about how I felt but I wasn't rude, nasty or aggressive. It wasn't just this in itself it was a combination of hot and cold from him going back to the start of the year, and it had all just built up. He had gone very cold at one point.

Even though we used to talk all the time there is zero point in continuing this. When we were talking he said he'll 'try to get better at replying '. I told him it was no problem and I understood, not to worry about it etc.

We used to hang out but haven't in 4 months and he said during our last chat, 'If you want to go for another coffee next time I'm at work then I'm up for that '. There was a vague discussion of next week.

Anyway then we didn't speak for about a week, I sent a message saying 'Hey if you're still up for that coffee I'm free on X dates if those are any good?'
I sent a short message about a film I'd seen after that.

He read the message and sent a short courteous reply about the film and completely ignored the coffee part.
I guess he didn't actually want to go. I felt a bit embarrassed, I only said it because he'd suggested it.
He's sort of proven my point but I'm not sure why suggest the coffee if you don't actually want to? It's not the end of the world anyway.

Anyway after this there is zero point of talking to him anymore. I'd never be rude or anything, I'm not taking this personally anymore and it's not my issue. But honestly I feel like a complete idiot.

Wrong thread asked for it to be deleted.

You definitely should not feel embarrassed. He was the one that changed his mind, not you.

Not liking the opinions doesn't mean they aren't helpful.

Clearly you do have feelings for him because otherwise all your overthinking and repeated attempts to get him to engage with you make no sense.

People simply don't care this much about someone who means nothing to them.

You aren't wrong for having had feelings or having hoped maybe he did. It's not shameful or something you need to deny.

However, you do need to make this the last time you lay yourself wide open for him to reject you.

He's not interested in anything other than an ego boost and a big of dangling the proverbial carrot.

At this point you need to use your head not your heart and protect yourself by stopping trying to connect with him and not responding like an overeager puppy next time he chucks some scraps your way.

You are worth so much more than that.

No I do appreciate the opinions.
I've just allowed the hot and cold to go on for too long. The feeling I have towards him is contempt tbh. I guess I'm embarrassed about myself.

This will be the last ever time. It's made me feel like some sort of nutcase but fortunately majority of other people react well to me.

My opinion is, the minute people even start with the hot and cold, move on! Life too short to keep people in yours who don't share the same relationship values. So with hindsight you now see that if you'd laid bounaries back then and just stopped making any kind of effort like he did, this wouldn't have happened

I feel ashamed to show my face in work. I recognise it's my issue and I think it's just linked to anxiety. I just feel so embarrassed and wish I had never even mentioned I felt he didn't want to talk etc even if it was in a gentle, non confrontational manner.
I just wish I'd never said anything and I just want a new job.

@AmusedCrow this sounds so much like a person I know, I rejoined Mumsnet just to say that! And don't blame yourself. People like that can be really bad for others' mental health even if they don't mean to be. It doesn't matter what he means. It matters what effect he is having on you. Even if he seems like an appealing or charming or important person, he's just another worker and you have your own job and you are seen as and for yourself by all your co-workers. He doubtless has his own issues. Gently, though, this pattern could repeat with other 'intermittent reinforcement'/flaky people in other workplaces, no? Maybe talk to someone professional about boundaries? I did that and it made the world of difference to my anxiety...

Ashamed about what though? Why would you be ashamed that a bloke vaguely mentioned going for a coffee but didn't see it through. Why would that cause you to feel shame?

He went for a coffee with our mutual friend in the office last week so that's why I felt it was personal. I'm ashamed that I told him how I felt, I don't know why. It's really not over a couple of missed messages though, it's because of several things.
Anyway, fortunately it's over now.

Ah okay thank you!

Choosing to have coffee with one person doesn't mean actively rejecting another person. Especially if he is flaky, his choice might be meaningless or narcissistic e.g. the person who challenges him least or flatters him most or who has been around longer and doesn’t need to have interest shown. I bet it is about his convenience. Not your worth. I wish you could be free of pining after his attention. I know the feeling. A lovely flake is still a flake. Even if he talked to you he could flake again. And that doesn't validate or invalidate you.

He made the no very clear by reading and ignoring my message for the coffee asking what date was best. Anyway I'm feeling a bit less embarrassed now which is good.

I still don't see that as a No, just a level of disorganisation or selfishness, but he doesn't sound much fun!

Ok baby reindeer

Why on earth did you invite him for a coffee when the outcome of your last thread was to just ignore him from now on?

People make vague promises about meeting for a coffee all the time. If he wanted a coffee, you should have let him put time in your diary etc. There was no need for you to follow up on it.

He's not your friend, OP. You've posted 40+ times on this thread about an acquaintance at best.

Your actions belie your words. It sounds like you will keep embarassing yourself with this man.

Wow that's original, did you think of that all by yourself?

I shouldn't have done but it was because he brought it up and suggested we do it next week. Anyway lesson definitely learned.

OP I read your other thread and I'm frankly astonished that you're still obsessing over this. I didn't obsess like this when I was a hormonal 15 year old and was trying to work out if a boy was interested in me.

You actually do strike me as someone who is ND. I feel like if you got replies on this thread for the next three years you'd still be replying and overanalysing the same thing. It's really over the top to say you feel like you can't show your face at work. Honestly, you are being hugely over dramatic.

I mentioned something about that earlier - very politely and cautiously, I thought- and someone commented “oh FFS” so I’d be careful if I were you 😂