Feel like an idiot with a friend

[AmusedCrow]

I posted here a couple of weeks ago about a male friend from work who had become distant and would never contact me first/started ignoring a few messages etc. And I was assured I hadn't acted out of line.

I did speak to him about how I felt but I wasn't rude, nasty or aggressive. It wasn't just this in itself it was a combination of hot and cold from him going back to the start of the year, and it had all just built up. He had gone very cold at one point.

Even though we used to talk all the time there is zero point in continuing this. When we were talking he said he'll 'try to get better at replying '. I told him it was no problem and I understood, not to worry about it etc.

We used to hang out but haven't in 4 months and he said during our last chat, 'If you want to go for another coffee next time I'm at work then I'm up for that '. There was a vague discussion of next week.

Anyway then we didn't speak for about a week, I sent a message saying 'Hey if you're still up for that coffee I'm free on X dates if those are any good?'
I sent a short message about a film I'd seen after that.

He read the message and sent a short courteous reply about the film and completely ignored the coffee part.
I guess he didn't actually want to go. I felt a bit embarrassed, I only said it because he'd suggested it.
He's sort of proven my point but I'm not sure why suggest the coffee if you don't actually want to? It's not the end of the world anyway.

Anyway after this there is zero point of talking to him anymore. I'd never be rude or anything, I'm not taking this personally anymore and it's not my issue. But honestly I feel like a complete idiot.

I think I haven't been clear enough, but I definitely don't want more than friendship.
I didn't chase him, when he initially went quiet this was around half a year ago. Since then we've been friends and chatted a lot, but over the last month or two he had begun acting differently.

Nothing had changed on my part. He also contacted me in and out of work, it was all very equal.
But in any case fortunately I do have other friends at work, it's not always easy to meet friends out of work as an adult so I'm glad I have people I can rely on.

I think my main aim of the thread was to say how embarrassed I've felt about the coffee thing- it's not normal to do that. I'll just keep focusing on myself and my other friends and that's all I can do.

Hi OP, I haven’t read your other threads so don’t know much of the backstory but I don’t think you should be embarrassed!! He suggested coffee so you followed up. Nothing embarrassing about that. It may just be that he’s busy/ has a lot on his mind and isn’t in the frame of mind to organise coffee with friends/ colleagues at the moment, or he may be thinking you are trying to ask him out and he’s being awkward about it. But if it’s the latter, honestly that’s on him. You know your intentions and you acted in an entirely normal/ friendly / friendship way. Don’t take his issues , whatever they are , on your shoulders. As you said, just focus on your other friends and ignore him for the time being. Doesn’t seem like he’s someone who’s contributing to your life/ mental wellbeing atm x

I think it is a fade out though...a fade out is when you gradually see less of eachother.

I think he people pleased you by saying we should meet again soon and maybe he meant it in the moment. But now that a few days have passed and he's looked at his diary he wants to prioritise other stuff so he's just not bothered to reply to that bit as he's not that motivated to see you that often. I don't really see any friends every week. But I have an active social life.

I'm not sure why you keep searching for another reason to his behaviour.

There was nothing gradual on my side, and even if he was busy why not just say 'im busy this week so I'll let you know?' I don't get why people make it so hard.

He sounds like a headf*ck OP. It doesn't sound as though you've behaved in any sort of weird way. Even if he did sense attraction on your part at some point, it's a bit of an extreme reaction to go completely cold on you, especially after he's suggested getting a coffee together - if you really want to put someone off you certainly don't float the idea of a one-on-one meet up! He's playing some sort of game by the sounds of it and I'd just check out of the whole thing and leave him to it. It's a reflection on him, not you.

Thank you! I took it as 'i only said the coffee to be polite and I really don't want to spend any time with you ' but it's his issue and I will try to not take it personally, just focus on other friends who are a bit more direct and engaged.

Yeah it's just odd. Like I've got male friends I speak to way more than him. I get a sense that one is attracted to me but it's not a reason for me to go completely funny on him, he's done nothing inappropriate.

It seems to be quite common/accepted on here to suggest stuff then just ignore it apparently but fortunately not everyone's like that and it's a shame to lose a friendship but it's life I guess.

OP, you say you fancied him a while back but now “wouldn’t get into a relationship with someone who can’t communicate like that”.

That’s not the same as not fancying him. It’s OK if you do. It’s OK if he’s noticed. It’s OK to admit it upsets you more than you would like. But take it from another person who was totally fine being “only friends” with a close male friend - it’s totally fine if the stance changes. I had to accept it myself though, before redefining my friendship with this person.

PS don’t be embarrassed about the coffee. Perhaps it’s not polite, but a lot of people mention things / plans in passing that they then forget about. Don’t take it too personally!

I know I'm sure you've been nothing but friendly and platonic but you just seem to be overthinking the whole thing abit to much and I'm concerned for you.

Your absolutely right to feel hurt but he's shown you he can't be a reliable friend. He really shouldn't have suggest coffee and likely did it as he felt guilty from what you were saying etc...

Yeah, I understand what you mean. It just hurts I'm being labelled as intense or whatever because I didn't even speak to him that much in the end and I matched his initial energy. Whether it's a man or a woman it can be a bit distressing when they seem to go cold on you/have no interest in a friendship anymore, I wish I had never communicated this but it's done now.

Yes I imagine it was guilt. Prior to that I didn't even invite him to anything except my birthday where a few mutual friends were, I haven't invited him one to one to anything since the start of the year.

Nobody's perfect but luckily other people are a bit more direct and forthcoming so I'll just focus on them.

Your absolutely right it can be abit distressing and there's absolutely nothing wrong with being upset about it but just don't dwell on it. In a few months you will not think twice about this and be having fun with other friends

No you're not an idiot.

Be proud of yourself for not standing for his rudeness and nonsense.

Thank you :)

Thank you :)

Also, I say this as someone who is also currently experiencing similar behaviour from a male work colleague who I used to get on really well with. I'm married so there was certainly never any intention on my part for anything to go further than a friendship, but I do have a habit of getting a bit over invested when I get on well with someone and perhaps a bit intense, and when I realise I'm doing it I can then act a bit spiky/frosty in an attempt to balance it out. Now my colleague is clearly purposely avoiding me and I'm horrified that he may have thought me 'too much'. It's not a nice feeling and it does make you worry and overthink your behaviour.

There was nothing gradual on my side,
Let him fade out.

and even if he was busy why not just say 'im busy this week so I'll let you know?'

Because he doesn't want to upset you. He thinks it would be easier to fade out then say something really honest like. I'm busy doing stuff that's not that important but I would prefer to do that than seeing you again so soon after the last time we met.

I don't get why people make it so hard.

Are you ND? It seems like you need and value really direct communication.

I think NT people skirt around things more, they feel it's more polite to let you read in-between the lines.

I'm not ND, and I don't think it's necessarily an either or, I just really don't understand why it's so hard to be a bit more honest and upfront. I don't think it's more polite, i think it's a bit cowardly tbh.

Like the other day I made plans with a group of friends to go to the cinema. One of them said initially he was coming, then he said 'sorry I'm not feeling it after all hope you all have a good time. '
He was still polite and I just respected how he was clear and didn't just ghost or whatever, but I recognise that's quite rare.

What's done is done OP, don't feel embarrassed. You've done nothing wrong, he's the one blowing hot and cold. I'd leave it now, don't message him at all and be polite and distant if you see him at work. Stop thinking about him, don't give him any more of your headspace!

Why on earth do you care so much about this? It’s a series of non-events. If, as you claim, you don't fancy him, then what’s the big deal?

This is why you’re being called intense. This level of analysis and obsessing (multiple threads) over someone most people would have just given up on ages ago. It’s a bit worrying. Why do you think you’re doing it?

I think because of the hot and cold as mentioned however I am certainly giving up now.

I do think he probably thinks you're being a bit much. You're just friends, but it sounds like you have different ideas of what that is. If I had a casual work friend confront me about my level of communication with them and about the amount of time I spend with them, I would probably want to step things right back too. You aren't in a relationship. He doesn't actually owe you his time and attention. He's just a work friend.