I just don't know what to do...

[Flamingogirl08]

We bought a house that needed alot.nore doing to it than we thought. We've kept our rental for one for month while we sort it out. We've spent alot of money and it still looks a mess however should be able to get it livable this week.

Husband has had a complete breakdown, saying this isn't what he wanted, he hates the house, living there will be hell. I agree with him in that it's absolutely not what we wanted and we've made a huge mistake. However what choice do we have but to move in?

He is saying he wants to just lock the doors and let the bank take it as he just can't cope. AIBU to say this is just not an option?

Hope you’re ok. Can you put it up for sale?

Live in it for a few months and then see how you feel. If you still hate it, put it up for sale again. It’s very stressful moving into a new house, and there’s always more to do than you initially think.

There must have been a reason you bought it? And you knew the state of it. What’s actually happened to tip him over the edge?

You obviously cannot just hand it back to the bank. It’s yours. You can put it back on the market or you can continue with whatever plan you had when you bought it and make it a home. It isn’t easy with a fixer upper and you will have fights, but once it’s done, it’s done. And you have a home!

Look back at the messages you may have sent each other when you first bought to remind yourselves what you loved about it at the time

This is what I said to do, let's improve what we can and see if we can sell it. He just keeps saying over and over that he can't live there.

The area is ideal it's just been problem after problem since we got the keys though.

He can’t throw a tantrum like this. He needs to get on with it. I understand it’s really affecting his mood and stress but you have to remember the reasons you bought it and focus on the positives. If you still hate it once settled in, you can look at your options but he needs to grown the hell up and deal with the consequences of your decisions. I guarantee it won’t be as bad in reality as he’s made it in his head right now.

Attitude is everything. And he’s making it so much worse for you too with his.

This isn't America - you can't just hand the keys to the bank.

It's yours now, so you need to just crack on.

He's catastrophising. Of course you can't just lock the door and "let the bank take it" - does he mean refuse to pay the mortgage to the point that it's repossessed?? That's not sensible.

So, you move in. You immediately start house hunting again and put this house back on the market. Concentrate on what you can do to make it more saleable.

Having a home that isn't perfect isn't the end of the world, and your husband is not being very resilient if he cannot cope with it for a short period of time.

What an extraordinary response. Is he always so dramatic?
You really have not choice but to move in and give it a go. Why did you choose it in the first place.

If it’s that bad, then sell and take whatever loss you get if the house has thrown up problems that weren’t known before the sale. But that is a stupid idea. You have a home in a lovely area and you can do the work to make it whatever you want it to be.

He needs to toughen up. Have you told him to toughen up?

Is it all structural work or mainly cosmetic?

It's early days I'm guessing you've had it less than a month.

Break it down into bits and don't look.at it as a whole house. Get one room exactly as you want it so you can have a bit of a sanctuary and don't rush. Try to remember why you bought it.

Also check if the work that needs done was reported accurately in the home report. If it wasn't and you bought without full disclosure then the sellers will be liable to fix what's wrong.

cripes he needs to get a grip! Every home we have bought has had loads of unexpected issues, some you sort immediately funds permitting and some you sort over time (or learn DIY)
Is this a first purchase?

Is this a first time purchase? This is the same as all properties. All sellers cover up the bad points as much as possible. Sounds like you've taken on a big project without looking past the initial issues that there may be. With experience you know that there'll always be something lurking that you don't realise. I'm afraid you live in it and decide after a set period if it's for you or not. If not then you sell and take any financial hit. If you do then you just work through it one room at a time.

I have just read your message to my husband. He says he should be putting all the energy he is wasting on catastrophising about the state of the house into doing something about it.

Is he always like this? It's a house, not a big, dangerous, scary monster.

Time to adult. Sending a handhold to you and a kick up the pants to him.

Ha ha yes - fond memories of the first few months in our new place - the missing skirting boards, the yellow varnished wood floor, hole in the garage roof, the constantly blocking bathrooom waste pipe, shower attachment completely bunged up with limescale, penetrating damp in the corner of the bedroom and the piece de resistance - the hideous A0 painting on the living room wall- that turned out not to be a painting at all but a mural painted directly on to the wall in black gloss paint😬

I want to tell him to just toughen up. He does have a history of depression and so I don't know if I can just do that.

It's so obvious to me though that the only choice is to move in and deal with it. But then what? There's bound to me more issues that crop up but I'm more worried about his reaction than the actual problems with the house.

And I'm coming back just to say that this is how many of my generation worked our way up the property ladder, rolling up our sleeves, learning DIY skills and renovating one house at a time. Hard work but so worth it, and not only in financial terms. It can be very satisfying.

Edited to say I've just read your last post. You have my sympathy OP, but if this is how he reacts to any pressure in life, that is a big burden to take on for you. I wish you well.

How bad was it when you viewed it and then bought it?

I think houses that are "projects" if that's what it is can quickly overwhelm many people because there's often much more going on behind the scenes than is initially obvious. I also think that watching TV programs featuring people taking on such "projects" can give a false idea of how easy it is to achieve the desired results.

Your DH sounds overwhelmed to me, and the reality of the "project" is hitting home. I can understand it, but you are right, handing in the keys to the bank is not an option and would hit your credit ratings, making getting a future mortgage or other credit tricky or impossible.

Are you doing the work yourselves or paying tradesmen? Can you afford to do that and continue renting until it has improved sufficiently? If not then I'm afraid you'll just have to move in, crack on with the work and grin and bear it for a while. If you really can't live with it then just do what you can and put the house back on the market. Be aware that this could hit the market value and also you are quite likely to be in a penalty period with your mortgage for at least the first couple of years.

Can you talk about it without getting cross, and just try to rationalise with him?

Tell him that at the moment you are more scared of his reactions than anything else that might be wrong with the house. Might it make him realise how his behaviour is impacting you?

I would talk about the fact that there is always a risk when buying a house that you will uncover issues that were unforeseen. Even with the best survey and the most careful investigations. The point of homeowning is that you can take action yourselves and choose the action you take, rather than waiting for a landlord to do it on a budget.

Sounds like he’s throwing his toys out the pram.
As adults you made a choice. I’m sure you had valid reasons at the time. I know it seems an insurmountable amount of work BUT you don’t have to do it all at once. Like any task you need to break it down into manageable portions.
I would look at the essentials first regarding safety eg are the electrical and gas installations safe. If not that’s the first thing to do and electrics first.
What is the heating system like - well you have the rest of the summer to think about that.
I bought and moved into a house that the Estate Agent said was not liveable in. My husband and I moved in with 3 school age kids. The roof was ok, the electrics were not! We had to have it re-wired. We had no heating that first winter bar an open fire. and we moved in late September.
We bought the house at a good price and after a couple of years we took out a loan and did more work. It was that bad that the bath hot tap was seized up. We could only fill the bath with a hose attached to the hot tap of the wash basin. We continued doing that til we could afford to get a new bath, basin and toilet fitted. We tiled bathroom ourselves.
Break it down into small parts. Get one room liveable and work from there. We purchased our house over 40 years ago and I don’t think I ever want to move. I love the house that much.
You must have had a vision when you viewed the house. You just need to regain that vision and optimism. Don’t be too hard on your partner. Tell him you can do this if you pull together. And think how much pride you’ll have in your home in a few years time. Get friends and relatives on side. Summer’s here and I’d offer a working party with a bar-b-que at end of a day helping with renovations. Great way to build friendships. I promise you you’ll not regret it in a few years time.
Hugs to you both

It must be very overwhelming to move in somewhere and have so much to do straightaway. But definitely you can’t just let the bank take it, surely that would mean you couldn’t a mortgage again?

Can you help by making a plan of action together so he knows it’s just one step at a time?

Hope you are ok too!!

Move in with or without him - don't engage with histrionics

Try and get him to go see a doctor

Totally dependent on the issues but if you can make one room livable so you have a place to decompress. The rest of the house you need to tackle step by step. If it’s electrical/ heating/ damp etc then sort the basics first and then you can always leave cosmetics for a while while you get the important bits sorted.

If it’s major stuff then why wasn’t it picked up on surveys etc? Maybe there is a route if you feel things have been deliberately hidden but since you’ve got it now its probably worth just rolling your sleeves up and cracking on.

Sometimes it’s getting through the trying times that make a couple, but unfortunately if his go-to is to sulk and refuse to engage that doesn’t fill me with hope for the future tbh. He can’t just ignore a house and mortgage and it sounds like you need him to step up and actually be a partner in this with you.

Ah, the dreaded reality of a renovation! It hits hard & fast but but you'll get through OP.
Sit down with a notebook, list what needs doing, then figure out how much time and money you have . With a schedule of jobs and a timeline both you and your DH will feel more on top of things.
Don't forget to allow enough rest time and don't pay people for things you can (and hopefully enjoy) do yourselves.
At least it's summer and you can have the windows open whilst diy-ing! Honestly though, breaking things down into 'this week or month for x budget' will get you there. Good luck.