I just don't know what to do...

[Flamingogirl08]

We bought a house that needed alot.nore doing to it than we thought. We've kept our rental for one for month while we sort it out. We've spent alot of money and it still looks a mess however should be able to get it livable this week.

Husband has had a complete breakdown, saying this isn't what he wanted, he hates the house, living there will be hell. I agree with him in that it's absolutely not what we wanted and we've made a huge mistake. However what choice do we have but to move in?

He is saying he wants to just lock the doors and let the bank take it as he just can't cope. AIBU to say this is just not an option?

It can be all so overwhelming, especially when you have a series of unforeseen issues.

What needs to be done? Some peoples idea of un-inhabitable is the wrong colour paint on the walls - another persons is no roof!

My one suggestion (if it helps) is to do one room, make it beautiful, and then do the next. That way you can go into that room and relax away from the mess else where.

He sounds quite immature which would be really offputting for me.

It is q normal to have second thoughts about a house once you have moved in. Lots of people feel unsettled and don’t like the new place, even if they have moved into their dream house. It can take some adjustment.

Not moving in is not an option. He needs to suck it up and make an effort I’m afraid.

How ridiculous and over dramatic. Just move in and do what needs to be done. No house will be perfect on day 1.
You'll lose thousands of pounds reselling straight away. At least 10 to 15k.
If you do the place up gradually and wait a few years you'll make loads of money on it.
I've done it twice. It's no big deal.

He doesn't have the option of handing the keys over to someone because he's changed his mind, that's not how it works.

Renovating property can be really stressful and yes there will be times you're pulling your hair out especially if you're living in it. My advice would be not to take him too seriously, unless you're genuinely worried about his mental health in which case he needs professional help obviously but to get in there and get one room done. I vote bedroom. Get one clean comfortable relatively dust free room, with a door that you can close on the rest of the house.

Then you just need to prioritise the works in terms of what makes sense order wise so you're not doubling back your trades and costing yourselves more money. It's not glamorous, it takes common sense and perseverence, not wobblers, but you're both allowed one.

There is no way out but through, you can do it, it's summer, take advantage of the months that you won't freeze and get as much done as you can before winter, get stuck in and you'll be glad you did.

This. Whatever you do, don't twist yourself into knots trying to fix this. I'm assuming you both made the choice to purchase the house?
Don't make yourself responsible for him. He is an adult and you are not his Mum.

Tell him to grow a pair. Surely he had some idea of the work needed? I mean, he didn't suddenly realise it had no roof did he. I'm afraid his depression isn't a get out of jail free card to give you hell and come up with stupid arsed ideas. He's an adult capable of buying a house, he needs to take joint responsibility and stop dribbling in a corner.

Unfortunately its a pain renovating and living with it. Make a couple of spaces into a completely finished space so you have a sanctuary and be ruthless about keeping them clean and tidy. Does he work at home? Prioritise office space, sleeping space, living room and one bathroom.

Move in yourself, alone if necessary, get him into counselling.

Sorry OP he needs to get over himself and join the tram again. Choices have consequences and mistakes happen. Get the house done and then promise to sell if needed.

He sounds a pain, frankly. He caves in at the first sight of pressure and wants you to resolve the problem. He'll be complaining if you sell the house and make a loss, too.

In the end all you can do is tell him you're moving in and will have to sort everything out on your own, but if you do have to do that, then he should consider the relationship to be at an end.

No judgement but why did you buy it? What made yous want to buy it.

For what it's worth we bought a 200yr old house without knowing the first thing. Quickly became apparent the heating, electrics etc needed redoing and things always seem better when you see furniture in rooms.

If its purely cosmetic you just take it room by room. You buy a house but you make a home.

Sympathy OP, ive had a similar experience but i was your DP.
Bought my first house this year. I'd saved for years, never dreamed I'd be able to buy an actual house instead of a flat. The house needs work and more work than we thought. I didn't want a house that needed more than paint, and I misjudged how much work this house would need, but we fell in love with this one, its potential/location/structure etc.
I've no experience of DIY, and don't have the budget for it either. Coupled with my partner felt completely differently and had a different approach which drove me up the wall and we had many, many arguments. Terrible arguments with storming out of the house, so much drama and it felt relentless.
I looked into selling this house, renting it, anything. I found that I wouldn't be able to sell until I lived here 6 months, we'd have an early repayment charge on the mortgage, and the lender would change our interest rate if we wanted to rent, so that would be costly and not the ideal solution. Honestly I just realised I don't want to ruin my finances so I had to adjust and make the best of it quickly. It was sad to feel this way when I'd dreamed about my own home for decades and it wasn't the fairy tale I expected.

Fast forward a few months. I love our house, even though I don't know how we will afford to do everything we'd like to, to it. Together we made a short term and long term list of everything. Short term is easy, cheap things whilst we save money for the bigger things one day. We've spent time painting rooms which has been a temporary fix until they get completely redone one day (plaster, carpets etc) and that has really helped me settle. Honest talks with the partner about what needs to be done/how we will do it. He would just get stuck in and try to do some DIY that he doesn't know how to do, wanting to make it better for me but leaving a mess that made me feel worse. I've asked him to stop doing that and let's risk assess everything before he starts.

Appreciate our situations may not be the same but I really feel for both of you, it's overwhelming and awful.

You can't just hand your keys to the bank in the US, either.

Yes very similar situation. I just want to stick together and get it done as best we can for now. But he just can't get into that head space. It is really difficult.

You know a persons true colours when the chips are down and him having a self indulgent breakdown and weak.

Remind him how people copes after the Blitz and he needs to man up and both of you tackle this together.

It may take a lot longer to get the house how you want but as long as you have electric and running water hot and cold and a roof over your head you have a home.

The fact he wants to throw it all away shows he is utterly spineless.

I did this. We’d done our old place up on a smaller scale so I wasn’t a total stranger to it all but there was a week where DH was away and I phoned him every day in hysterics saying I wanted to sell it/run/burn it down. I got over it and a month later it hit him, he was more of a depression than my wailing though.

I think it was just a shock to move from our old place and area, I’m not normally a drama queen at all, but it was almost like grief where I couldn’t quite control it. If he’s normally relatively sane I’d make comforting noises and give it a bit of time, but don’t let him do anything rash!

Can you afford to stay in rented for another few months while you do some more of the work on it?

No we are nearing maxed out for spends now and tbh I don't think we need to. We can certainly get it livable in the next couple of weeks although will still need a lot doing to it.

I feel posters have been really unfair to your DH who is having a mental health crisis. I totally can get to the point he's at. Try to encourage him to get mental health support. And if he can't move in rent it out or suggest you are only going to move in for a time limited period.

Renting out just isn't an option the condition it's in now. He's just told me he has no intention of ever going back there and wont do anymore work on it. I'm hoping that's just a knee jerk reaction to the stress.

I'm going to spend a full day there tomorrow and do what I can and try and organise carpets for the bedrooms.

I'm happy to say we sell it as soon as we can and put it down to experience but we are where we are and need to carry on.

you know him but I wouldn’t rise to ‘I’m never going back there’. I’d just carry on as you were, if he asks what’s happening you say you’re moving in there as the rental is ending. If he wants to arrange selling it or some other alternative arrangement he can talk to you about it but he can’t run away from it. Present it like you would to a kid - it’s a done deal, bright and breezy, you’re getting on with life as that’s the option you’ve got at the moment.

@Flamingogirl08 so whats his plan for dealing with it from a financial point of view. just leaving it to sit there empty whilst you live where? Im sorry I get that he has depression but he made a concious decision jointly with you to buy it. so he must now be part of the solution rather than just another problem for you to deal with.

you have to make it clear that the place you are in at the moment is going thats it so where is he going to live as you are going to live in the house and get it sorted to sell.

This is a HUGE amount of money and he needs to understand that you dont really want to be doing this either and that you cant carry him either emotionally or financially. is he always like this with big problems? do you have any children or is it just the two of you. I will be brutally honest here and probably get shot down for it but here goes. if this is how he reacts when a house turns out to be not what was imagined or expected how would he react if it was a child? or a pet or some other big decision. if he has mental health issues then he has to agree to get help so that he can help you to sort out this mess jointly. you both made the decision you both have to be the solution.

I'm not sure he has a plan.

I've told him that me and our 2 year will be moving in. I can't really afford that by myself but I would need to try and work it out.

In the very worst case scenario if he absolutely refuses to work anymore on it then I will have to rope family and friends in to help me and maybe stay with my Mum for a bit while I sort it out. I absolutely don't want to do this and I want us all to live there but the only option is for me to move in there and pay the mortgage.

Isn't he legally also responsible for the mortgage ?

Yes but what can I do if he refuses to pay it?

In all honesty I can't ever seeing him doing that. I am just trying to plan for worst case scenario

YANBU, he’s obviously having some kind of crisis but if you don’t move in then you’ll lose a shedload of money, plus you’ll not have a roof over your heads once the rental ends. You’re right that it is an absolute no brainer, you have to move there.

I think I would be tempted to disengage a bit and just sort yours and your DS’s stuff out. Just keep repeating that you guys will be moving in there on x date.

Hopefully after a few days of panicking he’ll sort himself out- if not could you consider getting his family involved. Quite apart from anything else they might have to house him soon! Then if he really doesn’t come your plan of getting family and friends in to do what they can sounds wise. Then as you say you can sell up after 6 months if you really need to.

But what an absolute pain in the arse- I think whatever happens I’d lose all respect for him, it’s not like he’s being sent to war and by this reaction he’s just making things 10x worse for you and your DS.

I think your husband needs an urgent GP appointment. He sounds unwell. Otherwise he would be able to see that losing the deposit you've paid and wrecking your credit scores by not paying the mortgage is just not an option here.

Can he go and stay with family to get well whilst you live with family and with their support start working on the house? Either it will come good and you can all move in together or you will be able to sell it.