I just don't know what to do...

[Flamingogirl08]

We bought a house that needed alot.nore doing to it than we thought. We've kept our rental for one for month while we sort it out. We've spent alot of money and it still looks a mess however should be able to get it livable this week.

Husband has had a complete breakdown, saying this isn't what he wanted, he hates the house, living there will be hell. I agree with him in that it's absolutely not what we wanted and we've made a huge mistake. However what choice do we have but to move in?

He is saying he wants to just lock the doors and let the bank take it as he just can't cope. AIBU to say this is just not an option?

When you have moved in and made sone changes it may seem more manageable

By the time it's in a fit state to sell , don't be surprised if you don't want to

Can you list the problems here and we can see if we can help find a solution?

It cant be that bad, surely

I understand, OP. We moved into our reno project 2 weeks before Christmas. We had given up our rental and had no choice. We moved in with no white goods, had to immediately rip up floors, remove doors, skirtings and then fumigate the place as the manky previous owners clearly didn't treat their many pets. It was miserable. When anyone asked what I got for Xmas, my response was "flea bites!"

We are 6 months in and we're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, finally! We just have a few more cosmetic jobs, and a bit of flooring to do before we start on the big stuff (bathroom and kitchen.) There has been a few times we've thought, "will we just stick it back on the market" but where we are is dire, so we are forging ahead.

We still don't love the place but it's rapidly becoming ours and I know once we're done (which could be more than a year or two away), we'll feel differently. Reno projects really aren't for the faint-hearted.

I know your husband has a history of depression, but I think you do need to try and reason with him. The first weeks may well be awful, but they will progressively get better if he works towards making small improvements here and there. Perhaps compromise and say if he still hates it by October, you can try and sell it on again? If you could do that and break even, would it mean you were able to buy another property, or would it force you back into renting?

Best of luck, whatever you both decide!

Look, it's tough living on a building site indefinitely (we've been doing it since the end of 2020, and are paused before the next bit), but he needs to deal with whatever it is that is pushing him to these histrionics.

The thing is the stuff that's left I think is doable. OK bathroom will just have to be left. Kitchen is old but I really think with a deep clean, new door handles, a lick of paint and some fresh vinyl then it will be completely fine.

We've had lots of the horrible stuff done now so it's just a matter of some hard work from us to get it livable.

Sorry OP this must be so hard for you, you are of course absolutely right and there is really no other option other than move in and crack on, its irresponsible of your husband to suggest just chucking the deposit down the drain. However if he is having a MH crisis he needs to go to the GP now and find a resolution. Withdrawing and leaving everything to your wife who is also looking after a 2 year old is not on.

Just as an aside OP and I know horse/gate/bolted and all, I was in a long term relationship with a man who had depression and other MH issues and he was financially a liability, wasted thousands of pounds, make sure you protect your money.

He sounds overwhelmed. Let him get it out of his system. We all feel better after a good tantrum. Just listen and be empathetic with how he is feeling.

Encourage him to take a couple of sick days to re-charge. Plenty of rest, food and sleep. Re-fill the tank.

Then, at the weekend, time to sit down sensibly and think about it realistically. Make a plan. He should be more reasonable when the emotion is out of the way.

Yes, I've told him to go and lie down and I've started dinner. We are both off work this week, my plan tomorrow is to tell him to take the day for himself and I will go and get as much done as I can at least cleaning wise as at the minute it's full of dusy and grime from the plasterers.

We had this. Renovations aren’t nearly as fun as those you see on Grand Designs. When it’s your bank account that’s empty and your toothbrush laced with plaster dust, it’s way less inspiring than you imagined it would be. The only practical thing to do is move in and make an excel spreadsheet listing each issue and the cost of fix it. Mark up the jobs you can do (estimate the materials) and work through them in any free time you have, don’t be afraid to ask family and friends to help. Youtube videos can guide people through a tremendous amount of the more basic work. Wishing you both well.

Handing in the keys would be ruinous, as you say, mortgage penalties, Bank would sell at forced sale valuation ie lower than you would like, then they bill you for admin, legal and estate agents. If money raised does not replay inflated debt, they will come after you for the shortfall. Then you would not get another mortgage for years. As you realise, better todo the word needed and sell, taking any loss.
what happened to. ‘ for better or worse ‘ and why are you the one who is taking responsibility for your joint decision. He is being a brat. Every house needs more work than you think. He is showing his true colours and neede to grow up.

Good plan. I think he will come round.
You’ve got his back, it seems clear you are generally a good team. He just needs you to stay strong for a day or two while he licks his wounds and gathers himself together. You can do this x

This is his anxiety talking . I'm sorry for you ... it's so hard to have to deal with his stress as well as your own, I've been there. If you can, try and get him to think in bite size chunks. But I'm afraid you could be in for a long road of managing him unless he gets help, I'm speaking from experience x

This is really tough I can’t really think of anything to advise that hasn’t been mentioned already. I’d imagine reality has set in and your husband is panicking. It’s actually quite normal to worry after making a big decision like buying a house especially when things are going wrong however he should try and rein it in a bit for your sake. Just think about it if you can make it liveable fairly quickly then you can start to do jobs gradually. Location is so important so if you like the area don’t give up so quickly

It's overwhelming looking at everything that needs doing.

Don't tell him to toughen up, what a ridiculous suggestion.

Do you have a friend or two who might come and pitch in for and hour or so. I would for a friend of mine.

Yes my sister has offered to come with me. I'm hoping just something small like getting all the crap out the house and cleaning it up will make a difference and be a bit less overwhelming.

I think it sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing by just getting on with it. You're still caring about his feelings, without getting annoyed or angry that he's not taking part (and you're just amazing to just crack on with it!)

This is probably exactly what he needs - just someone to take charge and sort it all out cause he's just too overwhelmed to do anything or make any decisions.

It'll work out once he's had a break from the stress and then can see the finished result

• wishing you both well (and hope you're not too knackered to enjoy all your hard work!) x

I don’t think it’s unusual for the excitement and positivity to have gone by the time a house sale or refurb completes. It’s such a stressful, drawn out process.

But his reaction sounds quite extreme and unrealistic. He needs to keep going and focus on when things will be better, not dwell on the hard part.

easier said than done when he may be depressed…

Moving is one of the most stressful life events, throw in a house that needs work, a toddler and a history of mental health concens and o can see why your hubby is struggling. I think every move anyone makes has some what have we done moments, and yes mid renno tip is pretty hellish and it can be really hard to see past it. I really think the best thing is take a day or so away, then set a time scale , say 6 months and reevaluate