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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No birthday card or gift from DP

71 replies

cj8724 · 10/06/2024 18:54

I know this has probably been done to death on here and I'll probably be told I'm unreasonable to expect anything, but I feel upset today.

It's my birthday today and my DP is away for work, he left last night.

He hasn't left so much as a card for me, although he text to wish me a happy birthday.

This is the first time he's done this.

We have a baby toddler together, and I've spent my birthday on my own with her as I've got no other family around.

I feel sad that I'm worth so little to him that he hasn't even bothered to get me a card and some flowers.

AIBU to feel upset.

OP posts:

heretodestroyyou · 10/06/2024 18:57

People might tell you that it's not important and as an adult birthdays don't matter but this would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

To show such a lack of care is shitty. Don't put up with it or in 10 years time you'll still be starting threads about your inconsiderate partner.

A card and gift is the absolute minimum you can expect and deserve.

MerchSwyddEfrog · 10/06/2024 18:58

No YANBU. It’s Father’s Day at the weekend. Maybe do the same for him and see what he says about that!

Cazpar · 10/06/2024 18:58

This is the first time he's done this.

He has to go away for work and there is a young baby in the family. That's a stressful situation for anyone involved even if it doesn't seem like it.

I'd wait and see what happens when he comes back. Haven't you discussed anything about plans for your birthday?

Original poster

cj8724 · 10/06/2024 18:59

Cazpar · 10/06/2024 18:58

This is the first time he's done this.

He has to go away for work and there is a young baby in the family. That's a stressful situation for anyone involved even if it doesn't seem like it.

I'd wait and see what happens when he comes back. Haven't you discussed anything about plans for your birthday?

He often goes away for work

OP posts:

notgettinganyyounger · 10/06/2024 18:59

Happy Birthday 💐
As said above. Forget fathers day

Unescorted · 10/06/2024 18:59

It absolutely matters!

Happy Birthday from me.

Original poster

cj8724 · 10/06/2024 18:59

He also has no issue buying birthday presents for his friends and family.

OP posts:

Bumblebee2002 · 10/06/2024 18:59

It's definitely a big deal in this case in my opinion because he knew you'd be on your own on your birthday. I feel like a card would be extra needed as he wouldn't be around to show his appreciation for you in other ways!

Cazpar · 10/06/2024 19:00

cj8724 · 10/06/2024 18:59

He often goes away for work

Show quote history

That doesn't mean it's not stressful, especially when a family is dealing with the upheaval a young child brings.

Wait and see what happens when he gets back and if nothing then talk to him about it.

Octonaut4Life · 10/06/2024 19:01

That's absolutely crap, if he knew he was going to be away he should have put in double the effort to make sure you had at least a card and a gift to open while he was away and some kind of nice thing planned to celebrate when he's back.

Winter2020 · 10/06/2024 19:02

I'm sorry your partner didn't organise anything for you. I expect both your lives are very full on at the moment hut they should have done something or made a plan with you. Is your partner back tonight?

I'm guessing I'm older as I have older kids and I would say - say what you need - which I know is not romantic e.g. "sad you didn't leave me a card or present but looking forward to them when you get back - you can take me out at the weekend".

Original poster

cj8724 · 10/06/2024 19:03

I think if I say anything or say that it's hurt my feelings he will say he's been too busy to organise anything... although my birthday is the same day every year so he has plenty of notice.

He also was at the gym both days on the weekend and went for lunch with friends so he did have time to himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

cj8724 · 10/06/2024 19:03

He's not back this week, he's away the whole week.

OP posts:

BottomlessBrunch · 10/06/2024 19:06

He may well say he was too busy in defence but you need to tell him you're disappointed so he doesn't think he can get away with this in the future.

@Winter2020 message is perfect. Send that.

Cazpar · 10/06/2024 19:07

And you haven't talked about your birthday at all? It's gone completely unacknowledged by both of you until his text today?

Original poster

cj8724 · 10/06/2024 19:09

Cazpar · 10/06/2024 19:07

And you haven't talked about your birthday at all? It's gone completely unacknowledged by both of you until his text today?

No we definitely have. Last week he was talking about work this week and how he had to be in such and such place today. I said "ooo my birthday" and he said "oh yes it is!"

OP posts:

Lavenderblossoms · 10/06/2024 19:10

Tell him it hurt you and to do better.

Say if he won't make effort for you then in future you will be matching this energy.

It's not about what he spends, it is bloody effort that we want to feel cared for. Lot of guys don't realise this.

Saying that, my partner knows effort is important to me so he does it. He doesn't care about birthdays but I always make sure I return the effort.

It bugs me when people say adults shouldn't make fuss about their birthdays. Yeah, obviously don't be a brat about it but what's wrong with wanting a bit of fuss from your partner? Or having people show they care about you? Again it's not money. I'd be happy someone getting me a card and having a meal with me. (Not them paying, just spending time you know?)

Muffin101 · 10/06/2024 19:12

That’s is an absolutely pathetic effort from him towards his partner and the mother of his child, what a prick. I’d be upset too op, buying a card and a present is so easy these days with online shopping!

harriethoyle · 10/06/2024 19:13

I'd be upset too @cj8724 and I think you both raise it with him and ignore father's day. It'll make the point effectively.

Iloveacurry · 10/06/2024 19:14

Will he be back for Father’s Day? If so, will he be expecting gifts? Perhaps you can just not bother as well.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 10/06/2024 19:15

That’s rubbish.
I’m not a big birthday person who wants a fuss, but I do expect an acknowledgement and some kind of card or little gift. Same goes for DH.

TheChosenTwo · 10/06/2024 19:18

Oh that’s absolutely crap. I don’t expect a big fuss on my birthday but Dh and the dc go to a lot of effort to make it nice the same as we do for all birthdays in the house.
Tell him how he’s made you feel, sounds like he’s taking you for granted if he does usually mark it in some way.

Jillybloop393 · 10/06/2024 19:18

You're not being unreasonable at all ... he's absolutely in the wrong. It's not difficult to get flowers delivered, or he could have bought you a present and hidden it somewhere, then sent you clues as to its whereabouts. Its not about the cost .... it's the thought, and he gave it none at all. Happy birthday from me, make sure you make him realise how bloody thoughtless he's been!

Magenta65 · 10/06/2024 19:22

YANBU although he’s always he could arrange to leave a gift and card, even just from the baby. Or he could’ve arranged a flower delivery etc. it’s thoughtless on his part and perhaps he hasn’t realised the significance of forgetting. But if
you Don’t bring it up nothing will change

Original poster

cj8724 · 10/06/2024 19:24

I don't expect a massive fuss or expensive gifts, although money is definitely not an issue!

I don't think I can bring myself to leave him without anything on Father's Day, I'm too caring I'm afraid :(

And he did get me flowers and a card on Mother's Day.

OP posts:

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