Not to see in-laws knowing dh wont go without me?

[sleepworking]

Back story is that I met dh 15 years ago in our early 20s when he lived at home with his family who are all very close and involved with each others lives and called, text each other multiple times a day and spend all their free time together and are all very involved with each other's lives I found this quite invasive as I am close to my family but we have our individual independence.

After many years of his mum needing to know every inch of our lives and feeling under constant family surveillance I decided I didn't want anything to do with them anymore.
Dh supports my decision but has insisted that he won't see them unless I go too, which I think he says to show his support to me but I can see it gets to him, I have never stopped him from seeing his family ever but I have said I don't want anything to do with them and I'm not spending anymore time or energy on them for my own well being.
What he does is up to him.

They have now taken the stance that I am controlling and want dh all to myself and that's why I'm keeping dh away from his family.

Should I see them for his sake or continue no contact knowing dh insists he wont see them either then.

I think it's a bit daft to not see them at all. Could DH and you visit but make sure DH knows privacy is a big deal and they do not need to know everything.

You are under no obligation to go but your H is being a bit of a weasel to be honest.

It very tricky when one partner decides to cut off the other partners family

I agree with this. He can't be bothered to make any effort unless you do it for him.
His family his choice. I personally wouldn't give a toss what they thought about me.

Your DH is being a tit about it but so are you. Why the need to totally cut them, it's your husbands family do you not think occasionally he might like you to go with him? It's a bit weird.

No you should text them and say that you are busy but your dh is free to see them any time he wants to.

Your DH is using you as an excuse not to see them. He is not supporting you. If he was ‘supporting’ you, he would tell them that he is free to see them anytime he wants, but is choosing not to.

The whole thing is weird.

Well done OP for standing up for yourself. Too many women make their lives miserable by putting up with in-laws from hell.

Your DH is being lazy, if you really support him, he could go by himself.

Now that you have established firm boundaries, you could also see them once - or maybe twice a year.

One day his parents will be long gone and forever and a day your husband will harbour resentment towards you. Is this what you really want?

Why? She's not stopping him from going?
If he resents her for a choice he has made then hes's a Dick.
If DH had told me he was never visiting my Mum ever again it would have made F all difference to how often I saw her. OP's H is using her as an excuse not to go

I know it's over worn but really the mn adage of "you don't have an in law problem you have a dh problem " is so apt here. He's not supporting you but rather creating drama where there need be none. Either because he wants to cast you as the bad guy with his family or he's a lazy shit who has replaced his old mummy with his new mummy (you) and won't do anything of his own volition.

Either way you need to tell him to get his act together. His current choice is the worst of all worlds for you and his veiling it as "support" is frankly offensive.

So these people were nice etc but were too close for your liking so you took it upon yourself to remove them from your life?

yabu - you should not encourage your dh to withdraw from his family and god if I was your MiL
im not sure I’d welcome you back!

Tell him to go alone

No don't see them if you don't want to and don't give another thought to what they think about it. Your DH is free to see them if he wants to so just stay out of it now and let him do as he pleases.

She has told him to go alone - he won't.

Is he supporting your choice or is he avoiding having to actually deal with his own family minus his meat shield?

I think I'd simply tell them that you've made it clear to DH that he can see them whenever he likes and you have never (and would never) ask him to stop seeing them.

I do wonder why you found it necessary to stop seeing them at all, I presume even weddings etc?
Were they rude or offensive?

People who ask too many questions can always be told to MYOB. They can be kept at arms length, not invited round/in, seen only once or twice a year, so I wonder why the total NC?

I woundly pander to a husband who is trying to control you by sitting back and letting his family play the bad guys so he gets sympathy from them and somewhat from you too. Mute and leave them all to it. Hw os the message even reaching you if you've stepped back? Start there.

I loathe my in laws (mostly mutual) and my DH visits alone. It is not an issue between us

I would make it clear to everyone that you are absolutely not stopping DH from seeing them and are fine with him spending time with them.

Your DH is an absolute arsehole, sitting back and making you the bad guy. He is not backing you up. At all.

Compromise. Say you'll go with him once for every time he goes without you.

Neither of you come out of this looking great.

She has told him to go alone but he won't

No that wouldn't work, she'd keep asking and asking until she had every detail.
She'd be deeply offended by any type of boundary.

Dh is a bloody wimp. He doesn't want to go alone so is happy for you to take the blame he stays away?

That’s not how good marriages work. If my husband felt like that towards the woman who gave me life, then I’d have to reconsider what kind of person I’d married and whether the relationship was viable. There are obligations that come with marriage despite what people on MN may say.

He doesn’t want to see them. He would if he wanted to.