Not to see in-laws knowing dh wont go without me?

[sleepworking]

Back story is that I met dh 15 years ago in our early 20s when he lived at home with his family who are all very close and involved with each others lives and called, text each other multiple times a day and spend all their free time together and are all very involved with each other's lives I found this quite invasive as I am close to my family but we have our individual independence.

After many years of his mum needing to know every inch of our lives and feeling under constant family surveillance I decided I didn't want anything to do with them anymore.
Dh supports my decision but has insisted that he won't see them unless I go too, which I think he says to show his support to me but I can see it gets to him, I have never stopped him from seeing his family ever but I have said I don't want anything to do with them and I'm not spending anymore time or energy on them for my own well being.
What he does is up to him.

They have now taken the stance that I am controlling and want dh all to myself and that's why I'm keeping dh away from his family.

Should I see them for his sake or continue no contact knowing dh insists he wont see them either then.

It seems your dh is hiding behind you for some reason.

I had a boundaries issue with one in-law. With my blessing, dh would take the kids for visits and to family events without me. When said in-law died, I attended family events again.

No drama.

Basing this response entirely on your opening message @sleepworking, but you are not, I repeat not, keeping your DH from seeing his parents or other relatives.
You made a decision that you didn't want to be involved with them in any way going forwards and your DH decided that if you're not going to see them, he won't either. He cannot and should not put this on you. He's a grown ass man with his own mind and he made a decision. HIS decision.

If they are coming out with statements saying that you're keeping him from them, please send one message to them all saying that you are doing nothing of the sort. He can decide to see them or not but the one thing that they can't do is blame you as it is his decision and his choice not to see them. If they have an issue with that, they had better do some introspection and see if there is something that they are doing that this making relatives decide that they don't want to be around them. By sending a message, you are covering your ass here but your DH should have shut down this line of conversation ages ago. Why hasn't he????

If you're no contact then how do you know that they think you're controlling DH? If it's because he's telling you then you need to tell him you're not interested and don't want his conversations with them reported back to you.

A thread recently was about a woman embarrassed that her husband doing DIY on the roof did not come down to say hello to his MIL who had called in. His wife admitted he found her mother difficult. So many posters called him unreasonable and rude.
A lot of people are not comfortable with their in laws, male or female side but being in a partnership means you make an effort.
Cutting someone off and going no contact is very harsh. Your in laws won't be around for ever. Making an effort in all areas is part of being married. Do you refuse to go to extended family weddings etc.
It all sounds sad.

So your DH is too lazy to be arsed to see his family unless you are there to facilitate it all.

There are a lot of things that are hard in marriage. As you get older, many people get ill and need support. Being married means you can turn to each other for that support. You are making it clear that you won't support him in this important area. I wonder if he will decide not to support you in the future.

Um.... it's ok to go and have her take offence when she asks questions you don't answer

Just ignore it

I also don’t see DH family.

He does make the effort and goes once or twice a year - more when there’s been illness etc

He went to his DSis wedding, and don’t take the children although they were invited.

I said he could take them if he brought outfits for them and he couldn’t be bothered either that or he wanted a break or wanted to ‘enjoy’ the wedding without kids to look after.

Honestly, not my problem.

I’m here if he wants support. But I won’t be going.

YANBU to not see them if they are detrimental to your mental health and you can’t find a way to develop a thick enough skin about it.

Sounds like your DH may be being unreasonable if he hasn’t been clear that you haven’t asked him to stay away and it’s his choice not to see them. He may have told them that though but they just won’t accept it/are scapegoating you for it, so I don’t think it’s a given your DH is a bad guy in this the way some posters are accusing him of being.

If you’ve gone no contact, though, how do you even know they think you are keeping DH from them? Block those avenues of communication.

This

This is it, 100%. You have opened his eyes to how controlling and intrusive his family are - but you have also provided the perfect excuse to avoid them. He can tell them that he’s stuck in the middle and that you’re keeping him from having a normal relationship, all while claiming to you that he’s being supportive. He’s got the best of both worlds.

Your in laws won't be around for ever.

Wanna bet? They may live to 100 and op only to 70.
My in-laws will probably outlive me just out of spite.
They'll probably drive me to an early grave.

He’s pathetic. Why the hell can’t he see them on his own? You keep your distance, they sound vile, but I cannot see why he can’t pull himself together and go alone, he’s making it worse for you.

This.

Until you've had arsehole boundary-less in-laws, I don't think you can truly understand how much drama and upset and stress they can cause. Unsurprisingly, hearing they "won't be around forever" is an absolute joy.

But yeah, the ones who delight in causing havoc will cling on out of sure spite and joy at the pain they cause.

I don't think he's supporting you as much as hiding behind you to duck the drama. He's probaby found a quiet little spot back there after a lifetime of trying to dodge his mothers outbursts.

They will blame you no matter what you do, whether you go, or don't go, you'll be public enemy number 1 because your MIL can't cope with boundaries, and you employ them. It's never going to be happy families, shitty in laws are the devils work OP, you have my sympathy.

it sounds like he's gone from being enmeshed with his FOO to enmeshed with his spouse.

It doesn't have to be like that though. If you asked him what would he do if he HAD YOUR SUPPORT what would he do? help him identify what it is that he actually wants.

He'd probably like his wife and mother to get along but they don't and he's standing by his wife instead of taking his mums side as he's probably always been expected to and so will the rest of the family.
He's probably knows the backlash this will bring and so avoiding it.

Yes, agree with both of these. I had similar thing. PIL would just push too far, be a bit too intrusive, ask for too much from us, eventually it got too much and I started saying no, there have to be some boundaries. It was like a revelation to DH!! As if he’d never realized he could say no to them before. I feel like he has slightly healthier relationship now that he at least realizes that saying no is an option. I don’t know if I get blamed when he refuses to go along with what they want now, but don’t really mind anyway.

I have a friend with a similar family set-up. They're not controlling or horrible in any way but there is mum and dad and two daughters with husbands and 2 children each. They see each other every day plus speak on the phone at least once daily. Go on holiday together and know the ins and outs of each others business. How the sons-in-law stand it I'll never know.
Anyway op stick to your guns.

Your husband is being both a wet lettuce and a bit of an arse.

He knows they are reading it as you controlling him - and he appears to be happy for them to think that.

Otherwise he'd go any time, and prove them wrong.

No, for some reason he wants them thinking he can't go because you won't go, and won't let him go.

I'd go with him. Be all sweetness and light. Let him say when you leave. Give them nothing to work with. No ammunition.

And give them no personal information at all.