Not to see in-laws knowing dh wont go without me?

[sleepworking]

Back story is that I met dh 15 years ago in our early 20s when he lived at home with his family who are all very close and involved with each others lives and called, text each other multiple times a day and spend all their free time together and are all very involved with each other's lives I found this quite invasive as I am close to my family but we have our individual independence.

After many years of his mum needing to know every inch of our lives and feeling under constant family surveillance I decided I didn't want anything to do with them anymore.
Dh supports my decision but has insisted that he won't see them unless I go too, which I think he says to show his support to me but I can see it gets to him, I have never stopped him from seeing his family ever but I have said I don't want anything to do with them and I'm not spending anymore time or energy on them for my own well being.
What he does is up to him.

They have now taken the stance that I am controlling and want dh all to myself and that's why I'm keeping dh away from his family.

Should I see them for his sake or continue no contact knowing dh insists he wont see them either then.

This - it sounds to me like your husband is pressuring you into seeing them again.

Just take matters into your own hands.

Text them (individually if you're not in the group anymore) and say "Hi, just to clarify, DH is free to come and visit you any time he likes - I encourage him to do this. So if he's not coming to see you, it's entirely down to him. Suggest you speak to him directly. Best regards, xxx:"

Honesty and clarity to stop the drama (your drama at least). Simples

I went no contact because there's no in between she won't be told to mind her own business and nobody would dare say that to her and she'd would have a child like tantrum until she got her way, it's her way or the highway and all her family behind her so if you dare upset her or she doesn't feel she got the right respect you have the whole family to answer to.

Unless there is a giant back story or toxicity YABU to declare not seeing them all. It is controlling bc he has to explain your absence and I imagine it’s not a good feeling. You a bu.

I have got anm friend who sounds like your MIL op and honestly l pity her future DIL. I personally couldn't go NC with dh's family but l do understand sometimes it's the only way if boundaries and privacy are totally ignored

But what do you have to lose?
If you're already no contact.
Send this message - by physical postcard if you like!
And then be done with it.
What would she do to you in retaliation? Whatever she does can't be any worse that what she's already doing - and you've already taken the nuclear option to go non-contact!

I hope it’s not one of those situations where you have told your partner he can see his family, but he gets the silent treatment if he does.

Honestly, I wouldn't bother sending a message. I stepped back from facilitating contact between my husband and his family (because they showed me exactly what they thought of me...which wasn't pleasant).

I will still visit them as a family and be polite, on the once in a blue moon occasions when they grace us with a visit I'm also polite - I just refuse to be the one to make things happen anymore.

Despite this, I'm the world's worst daughter in law because I'm stopping my husband and children from having a relationship with them. Nope, I'm just not facilitating it. My husband is welcome to sort things out himself but can't be bothered. He's made it clear to his mother that the lack of effort is his not mine but she won't hear any of it.

My point is, unless you do exactly what your in laws want you'll always be the villain so I'd continue to chose your method. The only thing I would add, is have a serious word to your husband about being a spineless prat and how unattractive a quality it is. If he wants a relationship with his family, then he needs to make the effort! Stay well out of their interfering nonsense.

They must be more to this story. I mean it’s one thing to be very involved to going absolutely no contact. That’s absurd. Your husband saying he won’t see them at all unless you’re there. That’s also absurd. What are you leaving out here?

It appears your husband is being manipulative - perhaps he is hoping you'lll back down.

Right, so I'd just send a text to all telling them that you have not stopped DH from seeing them, that he is welcome to and his decision whether to or not.

I would just leave him to it and not give it another moment's thought. He's a grown man. If he wants to see his family he will. If he doesn't he won't. No need to over complicate matters.

Your DH probably deep down feels as suffocated by his family as you do. He will have grown up not being able to do anything without being watched and controlled if MIL is like you say she is. IMO your DH is being a coward and hiding behind your decision so he can blame you, without taking accountability for the fact that he also doesn’t want to see them. If he wanted to see them, he would regardless. He’s an adult.
I wouldn’t give it a second though - let your DH and in-laws figure it all out themselves. Just keep reminding your DH he is free to see them whenever he wants and tell him you aren’t taking responsibility for his inaction.

I agree with pps. OP, your H doesnt want to deal with his family either, he hopes he can guilt/manipulate you into being his human shield.

Look up enmeshed family and I think you'll recognise what you're in.
It's toxic and sounds like you were an outsider to this for 15 years.

Do you have any children?

Do you have any children

Well he is not really supporting you then is he?!

He is trying to back you into a corner until you feel like you have to go with him.

Do they even know you have decided this? Maybe he is to scared to tell them? Hence him saying he is not going until you do

You'd have a point if she was trying to stop him seeing his family, she isn't.

Husband can't be arsed to make the effort and is happy for his family to blame OP.

So have you asked him why he won't go alone? And if so, what did he say?

This.

He's using you as the scapegoat.

I would remain firm and not see them. He's a big boy; he can grow his own spine and go or not go.

Why do you care what they think?

Why do you care what they think?

In a similar situation my ExH very rarely saw his family.

I made clear he was very welcome to see them and he was very welcome to take the kids to see them but I wouldn't be going.

(Among other things I am severely disabled and use a wheelchair and they wouldn't have a wheelchair in their house because it was dirty, blah blah blah)

It turned out that he mostly couldn't be bothered and he didn't organise anything. Really common for men not to be bothered

Just accept that some people who you don't think well of are deluded about you.

I don't think your DH is making a show of support for you Op, I think he finds them too much as well but doesn't have the balls to say so. I think even if you tell his family that you don't stop him from visiting they won't believe you, they're all so enmeshed that they can't imagine he'd want to be different.

Men on here can't win, can they ?

OP says her dh is supporting her and doesn't want to undermine her by going to see them, and he's getting criticised for that.
Of course he would go if he wanted to, so clearly he doesn't, and OP isn't stopping him, but it doesn't mean he is a bad man for standing up to his parents and supporting his wife.

However, I agree with most, that there is a whole long line between spending a lot of time with them, and going no contact.
It would seem going along occasionally, or inviting them to you once in a while would have been a more normal reaction to being overwhelmed by them.

Uncomfortable to begin with, but perfectly possible to say "I don't think that is any of your business" or "Well, that is something we keep private" etc, and ask a different question of them or turn the conversation to something less intrusive.