To be AMAZED at this cms calculation?

[whatnowws]

Recently split from DS’s dad. He won’t communicate or see ds, so after several weeks I contacted cms. They are getting in touch with him but… the claim is for 730 a month?!? He earns almost 80k? How can this be right?

meanwhile, I’m earning 46k and paying 1,700 in nursery costs and all other costs for ds?

how on earth is that supposed to be fair?! This calculation is also assuming he continues not to see ds. If he wants him a night or more then costs reduce further… basically he can do what he wants and I’m expected to pick up the financial pieces no matter what.

paying more than

Oh come on. Let’s not pretend there is anything fair about this. The dad has zero costs for going to work because he’s abandoned his child, the mum has costs for going to work and yes half childcare should be included in the cms because mums should be able to have a job too, ffs. It doesn’t work that way but don’t go implying that’s reasonable and working is just a luxury choice spoilt mums make.

Not really, if she still ‘wants to work’ , few good jobs can be fitted in around school hours.

There are obviously a lot of people on this thread who have never been responsible for raising a child and do not understand the costs.

I always thought women get screwed over! Its not much different if you are married. I strongly believe this is our penalty for wanting to work!

I honestly think we need to get a draft legal agreement drafted for all women to use if contemplating trying for a baby (or maybe just before any sex with a man) which obligates them to pay for a minimum half of childcare costs, child basic costs and half of mortgage/rent should they decide to split up! Even if they are married!

Because what I read on this forum about CMS/divorce is quite frightening. It put me off having children and having had my child in late 30s I still feel very vulnerable.

Before I had my child I thought if I had a child with someone and they ended the relationship I would tell them they had full time custody of child and see how they coped. But then I had my child and with it came the natural love/protection which means I wouldn't want to be without them… even if I was poor and struggling!

Or the dad with a high paying job could pay for his ‘offspring’?

@whatnowws

Herein lies the problem.

You had a child with someone with absolutely no legal protection for you and the baby and now you are facing the consequences of that.

It’s a terrible lesson to learn. But he is only legally obligated to pay the basic CM. You don’t have any legal standing because your finances were never legally tied.

You need to apply for universal credit and everything else under the sun to cover your childcare costs and the shortfall you are now facing as not only a single mother but a lone parent.

So sorry he was/is awful and that there isn’t better news.

It’s a terrible lesson to learn. But he is only legally obligated to pay the basic CM. You don’t have any legal standing because your finances were never legally tied.

You need to apply for universal credit and everything else under the sun to cover your childcare costs and the shortfall you are now facing as not only a single mother but a lone parent.

Seriously? The OP earns a decent salary. Her ex earns a more than decent salary. why on earth should the tax payer be paying for his child???

She isn't asking about property distribution or anything.

All she is saying is it costs X amount to rear my child at the moment. I am doing all the child rearing but wouldn't it be fair for ex who doesn't see our child to pay half of X when he can well afford it - and gets to have no other responsibilities for his child?

Can anyone explain why that isn't fair?

I am very highly educated thankyou, and I do stand up for women, who need it. Not women who are wealthy and privileged and cant even see it.

Child maintenance isn’t dealt with by divorce courts in financial orders as that is the role of CMS. It only deals with property, pensions and spousal maintenance. You can seek an order for additional child maintenance where the paying parent is a high earner but that’s open to any receiving parent, not just divorced ones.

I was married and when I divorced my husband I was advised the court doesn't usually deal with maintenance and to come to a private agreement and if that failed to use Cms. Being married is not the be all and end all protection that. MN likes to think it is. The sad reality is if you want to have children be prepared to be solely physically, emotionally and financially responsible for them because there is nothing available to force shit fathers to be involved in or financially responsible for their children. It's a lesson I've learnt the hard way and wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

You disgust me and many other women.

JFC, are you serious?! You're embarrassing yourself.

On the face of it it sounds quite generous, but I've just done a take home pay calculation with some arbitrary parameters - student loan and 10% pension contributions.

He would still have just under 3k per month after your CMS has been paid.

YANBU.

Are you able to get child tax credits or benefits? I know nothing about these sorry.

Good luck. Don't let this contribution become a reliable source of money in your budget, because it could easily go down. Wanker.

Wraparound care would need to be used (these hours are the same as nursery hours at my DC school so if working whilst using nursery is fine then this would be too).

A full month of breakfast and after school club at my DCs school is less than £250. Still massively cheaper than nursery.

@Pallisers

….

They weren’t married.

There is no legal recourse to force him to do anything.

She has to do the best for her child who she is now essentially raising alone.

And she will be entitled to some UC for childcare just as many families with middling incomes are.

@Tilandsia

Could be a nightmare to get and it’s still a bum deal by comparison to what she and the child would have got if legally tied.

If I were in charge any self employed trader suddenly reporting no income for the purposes of child maintenance would get a full tax investigation.

There is no legal recourse to force him to pay for his child - maybe you should wonder a bit about your legal system

And tell me why a woman on 45 k a year with the father of her child on 80k a year should be entitled to some UC?

Seriously - is UC now a way to get men out of paying for their children?

The responses on this thread are actually shocking

OP: Should the father of my child pay half of his costs? I know I can't make him do half of the work or indeed any work and actually he is doing none of that so I also have to deal with the emotional consequences for my child;

Responses: You are lucky. you are asking him to pay for you to go to work. You should ask the state to pay for your childcare. You are a VERY high earner.

Reality is OP is spending every moment of her life rearing her child on her own - with a less than half financial contribution from her ex. and NO other contribution.

Still. lots of women think she is being unreasonable. My mother was born in 1927 and she would have been aghast at this.

I just had to express that many of the responses on this thread are absolutely fucking mental. What an eye-opener.

I was you @whatnowws when ex left ten years ago. It was so hard to have to sacrifice all the things DS had been used to, whilst exh and various new women and he went on exotic holidays. He contributed £600 despite being on (at least) .£60k.

But here we are now and DS is 20 and appreciates everything. Just remember though, your ex left you, not your DS - hopefully he will be a better father than mine (he no longer sees his sons)

Indeed.

How is the OP privileged @sixtyandsomething to expect her ex to pay half the costs of her child. He doesn't even pay half the nursery fees let alone the other costs, despite being on 35k a year more and the fact she does all the child rearing. If anyone should be paying more than 50% it's the parent who isn't doing any parenting as a trade off for all the free time he's getting.

This thread is horrifying. It's 2024 and it's still a man's world. I have no skin in the game, I am not a single parent but I could weep at how misogynistic this thread is.

Shame on anyone giving the OP a hard time for expecting to be able to go to work and not be financially shafted.

@Pallisers

Dear God.

I think the OP is being entirely reasonable expecting him to foot half the bill.

However, they are estranged, he is not involved in the child’s life and it’s unlikely he will cough up more than the minimum required because they weren’t married and legal challenges in themselves are stressful, expensive and often get you no where.

The fact is OP is entitled to universal credit and potentially more and she should claim it rather than suffer financial hardship needlessly.

If she manages to either persuade or legally challenge this man at a later date great.

But right now myself and others are telling her how to cope whenever she’s been let down so badly.

ok so you think parents of a child earning 150 plus per year should be entitled to a handout from the state.

To be fair OP this issue has affected women for an extremely long time now and is widely talked about but you were apparently ignorant about it until it happened to you, yet you seem to know the lingo such as deadbeat.

Don't you think that many women before you have tried to prevent men from being allowed to behave like cunts and have tried to force them to take on an equal share of the financial burden? Even Mumsnet have a campaign about this where they supported a case against the DWP which reflects how common this issue is.