AIBU dd(17f) keeps trying to sabotage my relationships

[Doucebelle]

sorry. First time posting but I could really use some outside opinion here.

My daughter seems to hold the opinion that because I had children I am not permitted to have relationships. She was so confrontational and rude to my previous partner (7 year relationship) that it ended up with him moving out because I couldn’t cope being in the middle of the war zone all of the time. That wasn’t a great relationship for different reasons and it did finish about a year after that but I don’t think that is the point.

I now have a new relationship, over 18m, and while I used to only see him once a week when she went to her father’s, he will now come round once in the week too. We also just went away together for four days. She is now being openly rude to him whenever he is here and pointedly leaving the room when he comes in and I have challenged her on this. Her retort is always that I deserve this behaviour for dating when I have children. I have tried telling her she is being unfair to me but maybe I am being unfair to her? I really think I am trying to put her needs as a priority (otherwise my current partner would be living here too) and I am at my wits end.

Note she is normally a very good teenager. Very sensible, diligent at school, sporty, doesn’t go out wearing zero clothes so I can’t complain too much but I just don’t know what to do.

thanks

How many relationships have you had in her life?

YANBU op. You are entitled to a life.

How old is she?

It literally says she's 17 in the thread title!

Two (after her dad)- the two mentioned.

So it does 😆 @GalileoHumpkins

Hmm.

You are allowed to have a life but she is also allowed to have opinions.

You say the previous relationship wasn't great for various reasons. Depending on what they were (he kept jerking you around, cheated, violence etc) then arguably she was right.

At 17 presumably she is hoping to fly the nest pretty soon - uni, apprenticeship? At which point you will have a lot more freedom.

It literally says it in the title?

YANBU OP you deserve a life too. However, if the other relationship wasn't great and he didn't treat you well, that can't have been easy growing up in the house? I do think children should come first but there comes a point that you need to be clear that you need a life and companionship and she will need to accept that? Is she going to uni? Perhaps keep it as it was until then if she is?

I’d be interested to hear her side,

If she has had you to herself for a long time then she will probably be jealous. Hopefully she hasn't had a succession of men paraded though her life though.

however now she is 17, she is being extremely unreasonable and selfish to expect you to stay single forever.

Where has she got this outdated idea from?

Is her dad single?

Is he allowed a girlfriend?

Does any partner he has get the same abuse?

Have you asked her at what age she needs to get to for you to be 'allowed' to have a relationship?

By saying that you shouldn’t have relationships if you have children she’s effectively saying that she’s a child. So treat her like one - especially because she’s acting like a child too.

does her Father have a new partner?

Well you're forcing her to share her home, even for one day a week, with a strange man. Maybe she is a better judge of character than you, if she previously objected to your last "not great" relationship.

You are entitled to a private life but you seem to be forcing it upon your daughter by bringing it into her home and she's very clearly communicating to you that she doesn't want to be involved in it.

Hard to say. How quickly did the last relationship move on and how old was she? I think if it was very soon after your split with her dad maybe there is some lingering resentment.

It's your home that you pay towards, alone. Of course YANBU to have your partner around one day a week. You've been considerate enough to schedule his visits previously when she was gone.

I get how it feels to be a child and disapprove of a new relationship, but she is nearly an adult, it's really not her business unless your partner is rude or unfriendly towards her.

What do you mean when you say the previous relationship wasn't great?

I see both sides - you should be allowed a life and relationship, but equally it's not really surprising that she doesn't want to see or hear about it.

She does not get to be openly rude to your partner for no reason.
It is your home and your rules ( she should be polite to your guests) DD can go and live with her father if she can’t follow your rules.
Your are entitled to have a partner . She is not a little child.

I'm curious as to why you needed to tell us your daughter is female? 😳

Her dad has never had a new partner so cant answer if it would be different. Although she doesn’t get on with her dad massively well.

Previous relationship he moved in after 2 years and helped us buy a house after the divorce. It was not violent no cheating it was just not great in lots of ways that she would have known little if anything about.

there have not been a parade of men, just 2 in 9 years. Current partner is kind and generous to her even when she is being rude.

she will be going to university in 15 months time.

She’s being outrageously entitled and unfair
I would ignore her

Previous relationship he moved in after 2 years and helped us buy a house after the divorce. It was not violent no cheating it was just not great in lots of ways that she would have known little if anything about.

How long after splitting up with her dad did you move another man into her home?

I agree with this.

Just keep it out of the house until she goes to uni/moves out etc. it’s not long until then.

Three years

Hmm, that's quite quick really, assuming she wasn't even a teenager at the time?

Maybe she just doesn't want strange men in her home.