AIBU dd(17f) keeps trying to sabotage my relationships

[Doucebelle]

sorry. First time posting but I could really use some outside opinion here.

My daughter seems to hold the opinion that because I had children I am not permitted to have relationships. She was so confrontational and rude to my previous partner (7 year relationship) that it ended up with him moving out because I couldn’t cope being in the middle of the war zone all of the time. That wasn’t a great relationship for different reasons and it did finish about a year after that but I don’t think that is the point.

I now have a new relationship, over 18m, and while I used to only see him once a week when she went to her father’s, he will now come round once in the week too. We also just went away together for four days. She is now being openly rude to him whenever he is here and pointedly leaving the room when he comes in and I have challenged her on this. Her retort is always that I deserve this behaviour for dating when I have children. I have tried telling her she is being unfair to me but maybe I am being unfair to her? I really think I am trying to put her needs as a priority (otherwise my current partner would be living here too) and I am at my wits end.

Note she is normally a very good teenager. Very sensible, diligent at school, sporty, doesn’t go out wearing zero clothes so I can’t complain too much but I just don’t know what to do.

thanks

You absolutely have the right to date. You do not have the right to involve her in your dating life.

saying she would have had no idea of the problems in your relationship is ridiculous. She lived in the household. She saw and heard more than you realized. She had her own relationship with your partner outside of your relationship. She is entitled to have her own feelings about that experience.

she is going to be leaving soon. Why does someone you are dating need to be spending time in your house right now? Can’t it wait until she moves out?

@Doucebelle no it’s not quick to move someone in. You’re a bloody adult. It’s fine. I would have a very clear talk with her and let her know that her behaviour will not make you finish your relationship. It’s is not ok. Neither would I move him in though while she lives at home. It would just be a repeat of before. I would ask her to go to her dad’s more or go to her grans so that you can have time with your partner. She’s old enough to understand that if she’s rude she needs to be removed temporarily and just misses out on a whole part of your life.

You do deserve your own life. However, you say last relationship was like a living in a war zone, as it lasted 7 years your DD would have been a child during this relationship so she can not be blamed for the conflict between her and your adult partner. You also say there was other issues, I suspect your daughter was aware of these issues. Maybe she is hurt and angry that she had to deal with your ex-partner during her teen years, which are hard enough for any child with hormones, changes, high school etc. It wouldn't be surprising for someone of her age to carry this through to your next relationship.
You do deserve your own life and to be happy, maybe a good conversation with your daughter would help. Don't be defensive, take on board her thoughts and feelings, reflect on anything you may have done wrong and apologise for anything you did wrong. Maybe also consider if new partner has any similar traits to ex, your DD may be picking up on red flags you don't see.

Her behaviour isn't great, but her feelings are valid. She probably doesn't know how to fully articulate them or thinks you are either not listening or dismissing them.

How would you feel if someone brought a man you didn't really know or like into your home twice a week, every week, and he made himself at home in the communal areas, was there for meals, bathroom etc and you had no say?

If she isn't onboard, she doesn't consent, or isn't comfortable with sharing her home with him, you need to respect that. Being firmer with her is basically telling her feelings don't count.

I appreciate it’s upsetting to you OP that your daughter is kicking off about your partners but looking at it from her POV, she doesn’t get to select the man that moves into her house or spends his time at her home. She’s forced into a relationship whether she wants to or not with a strange man who is always going to be around. And all this while
going through puberty When your home life is uncomfortable, first because a stranger moves in and second because you don’t really like them or get on with them, it’s bloody miserable and she’s been too young to leave.

She feels stuck and then you’re saying the relationship wasn’t great and she will be aware of that even if you think you’ve been hiding it.

OP when my mum did this to us, it was awful. It was like living in a home that wasn’t mine. It was so awkward and uncomfortable and I couldn’t relax. I was constantly on edge.

inwasnt averse to my mother having partners but I do think that moving partners in needs to benefit the whole family emotionally, socially as well as financially. I think your need or want to have a live in partner is
clouding your thoughts or opinions on how your daughter feels and the only way she can show how she feels is to act out. Despite being 17 she’s still a child with an immature way of thinking and reacting.

By all means keep dating but don’t move anyone else in if it’s upsetting your kids this much. She’ll be gone to uni soon enough and you can move whomever you want in then.

There is nothing unfair about you seeing a man twice a week, and only once a week at your home. You are entitled to a life of your own regardless of your parental status.

You need to sit down with her and find out just why she objects so much and try to reach a compromise. Whatever her reasons are she does not get to be rude to your friend. She can stay in her room, go out with friends, or see her dad on the day you are seeing your date. Or she can stay in the same space and be civil.

You're entitled to a personal life but I don't see why it can't be kept separate from your home life. I am a lone parent with a 16 year old, I have dated etc but I do not bring men into our home. I don't want to force men onto DS.

Kids don't have a choice, you do.

Three years is really quick?!

You're all giving OP such a hard time!

OP I'd put it on the Step parenting board as clearly no one on here can contemplate a blended family!

I think she needs you much more than you realise and she doesn't want to have to share her home with a random male that happens to be your boyfriend. I know you haven't moved this one in yet, but you did move the last one in so she's probably still worried about that too.

She's probably also worried that she's going off to uni, has huge changes ahead and you're going to end up more interested in the latest boyfriend while she's feeling all at sea about everything she has going on.

Just see him away from the house, one night while she's at her dad's and then go out for an evening in the week. You don't need to bring him to yours if it's making her uncomfortable.

What repercussions does she face for behaving this way? She's nearly an adult and shouldn't be getting away with this.

When you have a small child at home, yes, it's very quick.

Is she worried about being replaced when she leaves home and losing you? She might be feeling scared about having to make it on her own soon.
This would be 800% worse if you had another child with a new man soon after he moved in as she moved out, so keeping boyfriends at a healthy distance 'helps' with that too.

I see where she's coming from really. Kids get forced to live with these random people, and get absolutely no say in it. I know you've not moved the latest one in, but she's probably still smarting from the last one.

I've no issue with parents dating, but I do think moving a partner in can cause all sorts of issues. I had a really difficult relationship with my Dad as a kid, but at least he was actual family, I can't imagine what it would be like if it was some random instead.

17 - she can go live somewhere else if she fancies it? OR respect your home and life

It is weird to have someone else’s intimate partner who you don’t know that well (and even after 7 years she isn’t going to have known your ex-partner like you do, certainly this one she won’t) in your home. To have no say over it. To feel powerless. And, probably, to feel like you are demoted somewhat in your relationship with your parent.

Some of that is going to happen in other spheres of life too, like if you have a room mate, but a) that’s one of the reasons a lot of people hate house sharing and b) you are rarely as powerless over it as you are as a child in your parent’s home.

If she doesn’t get on with her dad and you’ve already moved one partner in with whom you didn’t have a good relationship, at least at the end, it’s even less surprising that she doesn’t think highly of your judgement in men.

Kids do get jealous of their parents relationships. When both people are their own parents they at least have a tie to both of them but when one isn’t their parent it sets up a very different dynamic. There’s this adult who their parent trusts but they don’t, who has no loyalty to them but wields significant influence over the one person they rely on. It’s not surprising there is tension. I suspect you haven’t considered your DD fully in all this, understood her feelings and concerns or addressed them well and this is coming home to roost. Her behaviour sounds really rude, but you don’t keep him anway from her so it’s all the power she has. She isn’t an adult yet able to look after herself, and make her own way in the world and she won’t be for some time. She relies on you so it’s not surprising if this scares her.

She doesn't like:

• her dad
• your last partner
• your current partner

That's 3/3.

You may have terrible taste in men. But it's also possible that she just won't like ANY male unit you introduce to her life.

She's wrong that parents don't have a right to a love life, and you also have the right to have a visitor - and to set boundaries around open rudeness.

But as others have said, there might be something underneath - have you had any one-on-one time where you non-judgementally ask her if there's anything behind it or anything that would make it easier? She might want a reassurance that you'd listen to her if she was worried about you or had any concerns - perhaps that you wouldn't repeat the same pattern as last time.

A lot of teenagers (and adults tbh) find it easier to express anger and judgmental statements than vulnerability or fear, so it might need a bit of time and gentle conversation before she opens up. Good luck.

Two separate things here- you having a relationship , does she object to this entirely?
Secondly is the issue of your daughter having a man move into her home .
I would not like to live with someone I had not chosen to live with.
Of course you are entitled to a life, relationships etc but does your daughter deserve to choose who she lives with?

She is not a child in the true sense of the word.
so I suppose I’d ask two things to try and get her to think critically and see your perspective

1. how will / would she feel if you take umbridge/ veto/ trash / are hostile to every partner she gets on the basis they aren’t “good enough”
2. When exactly does she think you are entitled to a private or romantic life?

I do think ultimately she has the right to decline sharing her home with a man.

.

She just wants you to herself. I was the same way.

Tell her that if you having a relationship meant that you loved her ANY LESS you could understand her acting up, but your relationship doesn't mean that.

I haven't read all the replies but this was me, four and a half years ago before covid hit and that finished us off, not my daughter trying her best to act up.

He was the only man I'd ever brought home and my daughter acted like she was a two year old being dropped off at creche. It was embarrassing. Later when we split up, she told me she like him and that I should get back with him

I'd wait until your daughter needs money and then have a word, maybe take her out for a meal. Ask her where she thinks she'll be in five years. Out with her own friends? Building her own life?

You are entitled to try and build a future and if that's a relationship, so be it.

Bit harsh. I would put my daughter first until she'd finished university, even if she was being extremely unreasonable.

@LadyMuckRake

what does putting her first mean?