AIBU dd(17f) keeps trying to sabotage my relationships

[Doucebelle]

sorry. First time posting but I could really use some outside opinion here.

My daughter seems to hold the opinion that because I had children I am not permitted to have relationships. She was so confrontational and rude to my previous partner (7 year relationship) that it ended up with him moving out because I couldn’t cope being in the middle of the war zone all of the time. That wasn’t a great relationship for different reasons and it did finish about a year after that but I don’t think that is the point.

I now have a new relationship, over 18m, and while I used to only see him once a week when she went to her father’s, he will now come round once in the week too. We also just went away together for four days. She is now being openly rude to him whenever he is here and pointedly leaving the room when he comes in and I have challenged her on this. Her retort is always that I deserve this behaviour for dating when I have children. I have tried telling her she is being unfair to me but maybe I am being unfair to her? I really think I am trying to put her needs as a priority (otherwise my current partner would be living here too) and I am at my wits end.

Note she is normally a very good teenager. Very sensible, diligent at school, sporty, doesn’t go out wearing zero clothes so I can’t complain too much but I just don’t know what to do.

thanks

She may be concerned that this man is going to move into the house / not like him being there, and so she is reacting to that.

Just see the boyfriend when she’s not around. She’ll be gone in 15 months and you can do what you like then.

Is she likely to go to university soon? I can see it happening g with younger children but as a young adult she needs to grow up somewhat!
Can you send her to her dad's house in the week for a night?

She's nearly 18 time for her to grow up and act like the adult she nearly is.
Will she be expecting to have a boyfriend allowed to visit? If so why can't you?

Yes. Choosing the new relationship over the daughter, to the extent of telling her to leave her home if she doesn't want to share it with a strange man. Absolutely no issue there, provided OP doesn't actually want to have a relationship with her child going forward.

Wait till she gets a boyfriend and wants to bring him home all the time….. her attitude will quickly change I bet! Seriously though my daughter was always like this even from a young age so with having 4 on my own I just focussed on them and had coffee dates when they were at school sometimes and didn’t bring any man around them. You shouldn’t be controlled by what she wants but I totally understand it’s easier to just go along with it!

Are you 100% sure about his behaviour that it does not somehow unintentionally upset her? Or that it does not remind her of a bad trait about her dad, given they have a poor relationship as you describe.

I also think the dd is unreasonable, based on what OP has said. Time for a chat about it. Reassure, also bring up some of the points raised here eg what if she has a bf, and when(what age) it would be acceptable, and be gentle but firm that you have rights on your home, even though it is her home too.

I think when you say the previous relationship wasn't great in lots of ways but she wouldn't know anything about that you might be under appreciating what it's like to live in an unhappy household (which it sounds like if it was unhappy in lots of ways!).

Whilst 2 men in 9 years is hardly a parade, it means that if one was 7 years and one was 18months, she's seen you go from one (not great relationship) almost straight to the next. 18mths is no time to be moving someone into a house you share with a child imo either, which you say you'd be doing if she wasn't being difficult.

She's had to spend her teenage years, which are difficult and hard anyway, sharing her home with someone she clearly didn't like and who you didn't have a great relationship with - perhaps she doesn't feel like a priority to you?

So 2 relationships. One wasn't good for a number of reasons. So likely your daughter saw that too. And as such, she saw no reason to be nice to him. The current one, she just leaves the room when he is there. To be honest, I don't see the issue with that. Why does she have to have a relationship with them? Why can't she leave you to it? Rather than forcing her to be there when he is, can't you just enjoy your relationship and keep her separate?

I don’t think my current partner has traits particularly reminiscent of her dad but the last one was his polar opposite and she didn’t like him either! I suppose the common theme is that she doesn’t think any of them (including her dad) are/were good enough for me. I think she’s using the wrong metrics but hey.

I wouldn’t want to ask her not to be here to see my partner more but nor am I trying to force a close relationship. Just a civil one. I have not even said that I am planning to see him more than the current twice a week-I meant I would move him in if she weren’t there, not that her attitude is the only thing preventing it. I appreciate this is her home too and I am trying to be sensitive to this while also balancing my own life and happiness in a way children are not all of my life or happiness.

I take the point about whether she feels a priority but generally I do everything for that girl and I have spoken to her so many times about how she is the priority. But perhaps I need to do it more.

If she can offer no other reason for her behaviour than "you can't date if you have kids" then I'd be reminding her she won't be a kid much longer, one year in fact, and will she appreciate you dictating her relationships then? It's your home and your life. She's being a brat (unless there is more to this).

I’d ask her if she’d welcome it if you behaved in a similar manner to someone she’d fallen in love with. Unless she wants to keep you company forever she should be relieved that you’ll have someone else in your life and she doesn’t need to worry about you being lonely when she wants to live her own life. 17 is old enough to be sensible

Yeah this is the thing. I suspect it would be different if Op had just started dating now her kid is almost an adult.

But although her kid is now 17, she had a 7 year relationship in the past that I’m guessing that means she was with this man from about when her kid was 7-14 and for some of that time her daughter was living with an unrelated male, I’d have hated that as a child. Perhaps she’s just sick of it because of the earlier relationship so she’s a bit hyper sensitive to men coming home now.

If she was my daughter I’d say to her that either she’s going to behave politely around people I invite to my home or she’s welcome to move out. If she has concerns, there are other ways of showing it.

She’s 17 not 7.

Can you be firmer with her in terms of her massively sticking her nose in where it’s not wanted. And that parents can’t date is crap ( if it was good enough for the king, surely it’s good enough for you)

one of mine is rude about the man I am seeing (whom she has not met!). Every single time she gets reminded that this is none of her business.

The other aspect of course is that soon enough you’ll get to be openly rude and hostile to someone she likes.

She is entitled to have an opinion yes, but she can't rule the roost. She isn't entitled to order her mother about, or to be extremely rude to other adults in the house.

It's really important that your dd knows she can't control others OP. I would be working on that, especially if it is just because she thinks you shouldn't date because you have kids. Otherwise friendships and future relationships are going to be tricky for her.

But she was about seven when her mum moved a strange man into her home - and then goes on to describe it as "not an ideal relationship". And this was only a few years after her parents divorced.

It's hardly ideal, and now another man is hanging around - she's probably worried about the same thing happening again.

I'm not saying her behaviour is right btw.

I'd be telling her to mind her own business and to stop being so rude, otherwise you'll be rude to her future partners.

It’s not ‘none of her business’ if this man is at the house multiple times a week / might move in.

You said it better than me.

She may be 17 now but she was very young when this "less than ideal" man moved into her home - and even helped them buy a different home. That's hardly ideal, is it?

Rudeness is unacceptable

What are her friendships and dating life like ? I’m surprised that her friends haven’t raised an eyebrow at her stance that divorced parents shouldn’t date and given her a reality check. Apologies if there’s ND at play and she isn’t being controlling because she’s been allowed to dominate.

I’m a single mother of teens/young adults for the last 10 years and while I wouldn’t move anyone in while my kids are at school because I think it’s unfair on them, they wouldn’t comment on me dating or having relationships because I don’t interfere in their friends and gf/bf and they are welcome to invite people round. They wouldn’t be rude to any guest I invited because I wouldn’t do the same in reverse and because they are teens and older, spending time with friends, gf/bf or alone in their room is a higher priority than hanging out with me 😁

So her argument is, when you pop out a child, they become the absolute centre of your universe. Then you get one shot at a relationship (with their father) and if that fails or he is a massive bellend you spend the rest of your life with them or single, sexless and sacrificing yourself onto the alter of their needs and wants, even if this means you are lonely, unhappy, unfulfilled and watching your chance at finding a life companion to get older with (and who will be around long after they are off spending most of their time living their own life) slipping away?

I’d love to be a fly on the wall if she ends up having a kid with someone unsuitable long term and splits up with them “mum can you have little Robbie so I can go on a date” “sorry DD your not allowed to have any relationships as you have a child, remember?”

I'd guess that she's had one bad experience with your relationship with her dad, followed by another by your previous partner, and she's just using past behaviour to predict future behaviour.

Ask her what is going on for her, and what exactly her challenges with your ex were, and listen, undefensively, to how it went for her from a child's perspective.

That wasn’t a great relationship for different reasons and it did finish about a year after that but I don’t think that is the point.

This is really relevant, although you might not think so. Once you've had some decent communication around that it might allay some of her fears, she's still reacting like a younger child because she's dealing with it like she's the age she was when you moved the last one in. Clear the decks from that one and then you can move on, and hopefully she will feel heard and able to talk to you about how she feels about your new relationship, instead of communicating by leaving the room.