Would you tell him the truth?

[yuniper]

Ex and I had acrimonious spilt. He cheated, he’s since left me to do everything for our 1 year old while he carries on with his career. I had a good career too but it’s stuck in the mud for the foreseeable while I juggle it all alone. Yes, I am resentful…

He’s come up with a random figure of 1,100 a month to pay me which he says should ‘shut me up about money and will cover half the costs by his estimation.’ I recently complained about nursery cost hence his comment about shutting me up.

he made the first payment last week. He does earn well (something over 70k, I don’t know exactly). But he thinks 1,100 is half the cost. It isn’t. Nursery is 990 so it still leave 110 for other things on top. Would you tell him? I don’t want to as I hate his guts and what he’s done to me but I also feel guilty not telling him half is more like 600. What would you do?

Take it , save some . He may change his mind particularly if he meets someone else.

Ex started paying £600pm. Dropped to £500. Dropped to £280 (cms amount) then he pleaded poverty after losing job. Paid £50. When he had his third child he stopped paying.

I would take what you can whilst you can!

So what if he's paying more than the absolute minimum?

I've always thought that cms should be factor in childcare.

All you need is bouts of illness and need to take unpaid parental leave. My children's and my GC additional needs haven't been picked up until older (dyspraxia/milk protein allergy/hearing issues etc) time off work has been needed for appointments. Your child is both your's and his. Your hours have been restricted, which impacts savings and pension. Your housing needs are more expensive than if it was just you. Your holiday choices has changed and you will be restricted to the most expensive times. As your child goes to school, birthday parties, after school activities etc get expensive. Why shouldn't she have nice hobbies? Or savings built up?

Breakfast club, after school club, holiday club, evening activities such as swimming lessons, karate, cubs, school uniform, clothing for all the clubs plus every cloths and an increased food bill.

It all adds up. Yes people manage on a lot less. Save what you don't need. College and university gets VERY expensive.

It’s a large assumption that he’ll still pay it then.

At some point he may look at the CMs calculator and realise he can just pay that minimum and there’s nothing you can do.
Try not to become reliant on it if possible (it’s not always possible I know) because CMs can take a while to get wheels in motion if they’re needed down the line.

Take what he’s giving you and stop sharing details with your friend.

My feeling is when a waste of space father won't do anything practically or emotionally they should cough up financially to try and make up for it.

What has starting school got to do with it. Thats 4 years down the line.

Does he have her at all? Because from the sounds of it you have her all the time and pay for everything... so £1100 from his c £4000/month salary seems on the low side to me (not CMS wise I'm sure but on a personal level). He should be paying towards housing, feeding, heating, clothing and entertaining his child, as well as for your time / loss of earnings because you are the primary carer of your shared toddler. Chucking you a grand whilst he lives his life as a single man seems like the least he can do!

I agree. Stop discussing this with your friend.

If he was involved he would know that's more than half 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fuck it. Take it. He owes you both and not just money. Break ups with children are so hard. Best of luck 🌷

Thanks everyone! Im not going to say anything and anything extra can go in dd savings

If you didn't have DD could you move to a cheaper property? Could you do a house share? Do you pay for a bedroom for her - if not you will have to at some point. The cost of housing a child is enormous. Don't underestimate all the decisions you make with her in mind and how much more cheaply you could live life if you were truly on your own!

He's making money out of you.

How many overnights does he do?

How many drop offs and pick ups?

Does he do your child's care, laundry, meals, appointments, activities?

Whos off work looking after your child if they're sick and can't go to nursery/day care/child minder?

Who's working their job around the child and who is not?

Your "best friend" is a bit of an asshole.

That's not getting into who's looking after your child if you're sick, or if you'd like to do something social once in a while.

Keep it in savings in your name. Many many many men start faffing about with maintenance at various points, especially if they get into new relationships (experience from both my ex and a brief stint working at CMS) so it’ll be handy to keep the money easily accessible for you in case you need it

I wouldn't tell him. Child support is meant to cover other things as well as nursery - clothes, food, nappies, activities etc. If he earns a lot of money, it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to pay more than the bare minimum towards his child's care and upbringing. He can clearly afford this and is apparently willing to pay it rather than insisting you go through the CMS for a smaller payment, so I wouldn't be worrying about this.

Presumably, when your child eventually starts school and you are no longer paying nursery fees, your ex will reduce his payments accordingly. So I would be inclined to pay the full nursery fees out of the money he's giving you and to put the remaining £110 a month into a savings account for when your child starts school.

Take the 1100, use it to cover nursery and a bit extra, then use your FT salary to cover your home/bills etc.
He sounds like a right charmer.

He may not pay this much money forever. When your child leaves nursery and goes to school he may ask to lower the payment. Or, in the future he may meet someone else or have other children and can't afford this. It could happen. Take the money now and bank any money excess for the future. You cannot predict the future.

But likely she's still living in same place as before she had the child

I'd be very surprised if £190 is in fact the totality of your child's costs outside of nursery. As others have said - heating/food bills/housing/electricity are all costs of your child as well as yourself. Plus clothes, shoes, toys, trips to the zoo, transport, art supplies etc. He's a high earner so is paying for a lifestyle that his child should be entitled to, rather than leaving you unable to afford to buy/do things.

Well if he doesn't;t pay more than that he's making money out of YOU as you are caring for his child at your expense. say nothing.

You don't need to do that either. It's for her living costs, it can go on living.

Take the money - keep it to one side if you don't technically need it but you will kick yourself if you tell him.

Think about putting any ‘excess’ in your pension to cover what would have been going in if you hadn’t taken time out to have DD.

i think you’re underestimating the costs involved in housing/ feeding/ clothing/ etc a child. Particularly once you deduct those nursery fees. CMS is a joke anyway so don’t base anything on that.