Would you tell him the truth?

[yuniper]

Ex and I had acrimonious spilt. He cheated, he’s since left me to do everything for our 1 year old while he carries on with his career. I had a good career too but it’s stuck in the mud for the foreseeable while I juggle it all alone. Yes, I am resentful…

He’s come up with a random figure of 1,100 a month to pay me which he says should ‘shut me up about money and will cover half the costs by his estimation.’ I recently complained about nursery cost hence his comment about shutting me up.

he made the first payment last week. He does earn well (something over 70k, I don’t know exactly). But he thinks 1,100 is half the cost. It isn’t. Nursery is 990 so it still leave 110 for other things on top. Would you tell him? I don’t want to as I hate his guts and what he’s done to me but I also feel guilty not telling him half is more like 600. What would you do?

Well if he is ok, then take it as it is more realistic. He does though of course have a hold over you. However, if he is on £70k, whilst a decent salary, he isn't going to be loaded if he maintains his own house. Ie if he has a student loan and pays a pension of 10%, he will receive £3700 a months which if he gives you £1100 it will leave £2700. He won't be buying much with that at all

@Spirallingdownwards i don’t think it was meant like that, I think she meant when dc started school 1100 is quite a lot

As PP have said that's money to help with upbringing of your child. So if half of nursery is actually about £600 that's then £500 over the month for half of the cost of raising your DD. That includes clothes, food, a roof over her head, utility bills, entertainment and the list goes on. I would say that's a good offer and accept it guilt free. If you feel over the course of the month that there is a surplus put it away for her - driving lessons, 1st car, uni fees are all expenses that will need saving for too

I would be careful around her. If she genuinely thinks that then it sounds like jealousy.

I would think of it that he is paying the 700 cms said - which is to cover housing, food etc then paying 400 towards her nursery. Then when she starts school you can tell him nursery costs have reduced so he can reduce the payment if he wishes but he then needs to pay 50% uniform, wraparound care and hobbies/classes x

Say nothing, to anybody about it, unless you need to legally declare it for whatever reason.

If your ex 'creates' about it at a later date all you have to say is "you wanted me to 'Shut Up', so I did".

@Spirallingdownwards i don’t think it was meant like that, I think she meant when dc started school 1100 is quite a lot

@yuniper it really isn't though. Childcare costs continue at school as most single parents will need wrap around (breakfast and after school club) to allow them to work. Then there are lunches, fees for musical instruments. Hobbies etc. shoes, clothes. Children can be expensive!

But she would be paying the majority of that anyway even without a child

All these posters crunching the pennies whilst ignoring the elephant in the room; being the resident lone parent of dc seriously impacts your earning ability.

Whilst there are a few exceptions to this, for the vast majority of LPs, which are usually the ones who carried and gave birth, the above is the case.

Just look at any current surplus as a Dickhead Tax for you taking all the hits whilst also bearing all the responsibilities.

Any spare money put into your pension. Your earnings are hampered so think of this as a bit of recompense. He may reduce amount once nursery phase is over.

It’s not though. You pay clothes, shoes, toys, your child’s gifts or contributions to friends and teachers etc, entertainment, utility bills, mortgage, fuel for nursery, hobbies, food, the extra you can’t earn because you can’t do certain jobs due to having a child, babysitting costs…

Plus holiday clubs, cheapest round here was £20 a day, some up to £70!

Yes but as a single person she could have a room in a shared house for a lot less. Housing and associated costs for 2 is going to be more

This.

So he pays more than 50% of nursery.

How much actual childcare does he do at the weekend? Zero.

Forgive my language but you would be stupid to ask for less. The money is for your child. To go to nursery to eat, to learn to swim, to go to the zoo. You would be silly to ask him to give you less and take those opportunities away from her.

Consider it Guilt Tax.

Surely he means he thinks he is paying approx half of the costs of a child, not half of nursery?!

Agree with PP you need to look at this a bit differently. Nursery is approx £500/month each (am assuming f/t place - if you are working p/t then that’s a day of unpaid childcare you’re putting in), then you have 50% of the mortgage/utilities/food/clothes/shoes/activities/unpaid leave when your child is ill/babysitting if you ever want to go out etc. If he is giving more than you need right now then great - it won’t be forever. Wait til your child is a teen and eating you out of house and home, showering every day etc etc

And don’t worry - when the OW gets pregnant she will doubtless tell him he is paying you too much and demand he reduces to CMS levels, so if you’ve time to build up some savings in the meanwhile all the better.

I'm sorry to say, but your best friend sound jealous. The cost of being a single parent is enormous, not just financially.

But you've no idea if he will still be paying £1100 by the time your child goes to school. He may decide to cut down once nursery expenses are over. Your friend is making a lot of assumptions.

So take the actual 'half' of the obvious costs like nursery, clothing, food... out of the money he gives you. Stash the rest into its own bank account to use for other costs, the kind of thing he'll refuse to contribute to, emergencies, cover when he decides randomly to pay less or stop paying.

It's not like you're spending it on cake now is it? It's all for your daughters benefit, and likely not remotely half the cost of actually raising her on a day to day basis, factoring in heating, building maintenance, the effect its had on your earning capacity and career!

I despise the man and don’t trust him

He told you it was to shut you up so... shut up 😀

You're only doing what he wanted! Simples.

I would definitely take it, who's to say it will last? He could change his mind next month?
if you have “extra “ I’d try and save it once nursery finishes he will stop paying nursery fees! Children are expensive.

Keep the money and save it. As dd gets older there will be hobbies, more clothes, trips. Goodness forbid something happened to you where you have to cut work etc then savings in the bank could be a life saving buffer

He is paying to ease his guilt

Take the money. Say nothing. You have no moral obligation to do otherwise.

But he may well want to reduce it at that point anyway if he intends it to cover his share of nursery fees? So take it for now in the expectation that it won't necessarily last. For example if he meets someone else and has more kids, or loses his job or whatever. If he's happy to pays that now I'd definitely accept it and maybe save some of it if you can - you're the one doing all the care and taking the career hit, it's the least he can do.

He’s not going to keep giving you £1.1k once nursery finishes. What gives you that idea? He’s not stupid. When she reaches 3 you’ll apply for state funding and help reduce his contribution to you.

Don’t thank him for being generous, what a very bad idea. He’ll never up it again if you go that, and up it, he will need to do because inflation isn’t going away. He’s paying his way as he should. The extra on top is for everything else, nappies, wipes, clothes, food, heating, lighting, and whatever else is needed as an emergency like medicine etc.

The costs will quickly mount up as she grows. Enjoy this ‘cheaper’ time, it really doesn’t last!!

For future reference if you have time I’d log a month or two of costs so he knows how much you are paying for her upkeep so if he ever questions you in the future, you have some back up.

Its also good for when she turns 3 and there’s a reduction for you to argue for same/more/not too much of a reduction.

That’s all well and good until he decides to stop paying and then you’ll miss the money