Would you tell him the truth?

[yuniper]

Ex and I had acrimonious spilt. He cheated, he’s since left me to do everything for our 1 year old while he carries on with his career. I had a good career too but it’s stuck in the mud for the foreseeable while I juggle it all alone. Yes, I am resentful…

He’s come up with a random figure of 1,100 a month to pay me which he says should ‘shut me up about money and will cover half the costs by his estimation.’ I recently complained about nursery cost hence his comment about shutting me up.

he made the first payment last week. He does earn well (something over 70k, I don’t know exactly). But he thinks 1,100 is half the cost. It isn’t. Nursery is 990 so it still leave 110 for other things on top. Would you tell him? I don’t want to as I hate his guts and what he’s done to me but I also feel guilty not telling him half is more like 600. What would you do?

@yuniper

I think you're being unreasonable.

For someone earning £70k a year with 1 child to support and not looking after the child then you'd get £627.07 a month.

So £1100 is good. This more than pays half the nursery and anything else you'd need.

I'd try not to piss this ex off otherwise you'll end up with less!

Keep the money. Firstly, you are raising the child without input from him, and second, you just never know when costs are going to rise. Keep it.

@BlueMum16 thanks. He does buy extras here and there like shoes and toys and got the latest new mattress for example.

I think my friend was suggesting that when nursery finishes then there will be more than enough but I don’t think she appreciates just how much my career has been hit. I am not the employee I once was as a literally can’t be

Christ alive why would you deliberately ask for less money?

It's guilt money from him, you deserve it, take it while you can. Squirrel some away for when he inevitably realises he can legally pay less and drops it down to CMS amount.

Absolutely take the money. He sounds like a piece of shit and he owes you far more than half of nursery fees for the monthly care of his HIS child.

Exactly this.

Sounds like it's the cms calculation plus half of nursery. Sounds fair to me.

From Child Povertt Action Group:

In 2023, the cost of raising a child to age 18 was £166,000 for a couple and £220,000 for a lone parent.

https://cpag.org.uk/policy-and-research/findings-our-projects/cost-child-reports

Food for thought, given the ridiculously low maintenance that many (most?) single parents (mothers...) get.

Take the money he just doesn't have to pay 1/2 nursery fees, but food, clothes, heating washing, treats, holidays etc

What I am saying is the entire nursery bill is 990.

so he pays all the nursery bill and 110 on top. So it’s more than half of everything if we were splitting it all.

i end up spending around 80 a month in total and he’s spending 1,100.

I despise the man and don’t trust him but keep feeling conflicted about the fact he thinks 1,100 is half

The stalling of your career and earning potential whilst you take sole responsibility for your child will cost you.

Take the money and stop sharing information with your friend about your finances.

I'm more shocked that your so called 'best friend' seems to think once nursery is accounted for you'd then be 'making money off him'.!! WTF! Does she also think if you buy toddler a packet of hulahoops you shouldn't take one as 'he' bought them! Take the money, CMS is a joke and stop telling your best friend about the inner workings of your finances.

Have you checked out the CPAG link above?

What about your time - all the hours you spend looking after your child- while he does F'All!!

CMS is a joke and stop telling your best friend about the inner workings of your finances.

And this too!!!

@DojaPhat no she meant as in when dc is at school x

@PaminaMozart yep this is what i think, I never (ever!) have a break

You don't seem to be thinking about the cost of housing your child, rent , mortgage, utilities, food, transport, holidays, trips, presents, clothing, shoes. You are paying for all of that!!! You have an odd view of what a child costs.

@indianwoman yes I have only factored in nursery and food and clothes. I guess if I broke down the extra cost of heating and gas and water etc it would actually be loads more

If he's voluntarily offered you £1100 then I would imagine his earnings are more than you think and he's worried CMS would ask him to pay more.

Take the money while it lasts because it might not if it's a voluntary arrangement and then you'll be kicking yourself. He might decide to reduce it once your child goes to school.

I also agree with PP the costs of raising a child go way beyond food, clothes and nursery fees when you account for housing, utilities etc. I imagine that like a lot of mothers you made small purchases for your child out of your income when you were still together and you haven't counted those types of things as child rearing costs.

In your calculations you haven’t included how much it costs to keep a roof over you and your DC head. You are actually spending more than the £80 you are suggesting. In your calculations you need to include Rent / mortgage / all utility bills & council tax / food / clothes etc. I suspect that’s how your ex is coming to “half” You are only considering the nursery fees - suspect when you add everything else in you will realise you are spending much more than £80. Sure once DC transitions to school nursery fees will reduce to wrap around care but that’s a few years off

If you're feeling guilty (if that's the right word) could you open an account for your child and put the £110 in. You could use this for school trips down the line or even save it for them for big expense like car or house

And expect them to do what?

I would definitely keep it. Maybe put the extra in a savings account as one off costs will come and then you won't have to ask for more (e.g school trips, uniform, text books, etc.). For all you know he's factored this in in his calculations.

Thanks for the advice :)

im not going to say anything. I think stupidly I felt that paying for a home was my cost anyway as we are not together but actually I’ve had the heating on more this year and definitely use more water with all the wash loads

Top tip - stop talking to your "friend" about this. She doesn't sound like she is batting for you. I wouldn't be surprised if you cane back and said she had told him what nursery was and caused problems for you.