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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to socialise with my work colleagues?

86 replies

nobeans · 08/06/2024 16:59

I work part time so I don't earn as much as them yet they seem to forget this and complain when I kept turning them down for after work socialising. I just want to get home and see my family. The latest complaint is that I won't go to the pub to watch football with them - it's the euros I think? . 1. I don't drink and 2. I find football dull. My husband says I should make an effort and go once for every twice I say no as it's team building. I just don't see the point. I go out with people I am friends with. Aibu?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 09/06/2024 10:53

Please yourself. Eventually you won't be invited to anything which is of course fine if that's what you want.

WannaBeSuzieGlass · 09/06/2024 11:11

I like some of my work colleagues and not keen on others. I dont want to socialise with them though
I work with them for 8 hours 4 days a week and have no desire to spend any more time with them outside of work.

Darby3785 · 09/06/2024 11:12

I don't socialise with my work colleagues either, I did but not anymore. So I don't think YABU. We are all free to choose who we spend our time with.

I've seen what their "outings" entail and as a grown adult I'm not interested!! It mainly involves slating the office and managers! I'm not that type of person!

There are 5 people out of the 50 that work in my office who socialise regularly the rest of us don't, so it's not unusual! Their cliquey behaviour is more unusual where I work than our let's keep work and home life separate attitudes!

MonsteraMama · 09/06/2024 11:21

I don't socialise with my work colleagues at all. I've got plenty of friends and I don't want or need more, and all the social interaction I need from my colleagues is done during the work day when I'm being paid for it. They're nice enough people, they're just not my people. It's not primary school, I no longer need to form friendships with people based only on proximity.

I get on fine with all of them and our professional relationships are good, I'd stop and chat if I spotted one in Tesco and I'm happy to sit and eat lunch of have coffee with any of them. I'm not mean or rude - but I've made it clear we're not friends and I don't want to be - they've accepted that. I think sometimes you just have to be blunt and up front with people rather than beating around the bush with excuses every time they ask you to go out.

BringMeSunshineAllDayLong · 09/06/2024 11:33

I've worked in many different jobs I now have a lovey collection of friends from over the years from those jobs. Going to work with friends is 100% better than just colleagues. Obviously not all my colleagues are friends but lots of my long term friends have been colleagues.
Why don't you organise some nights out or activities around stuff you like? Playing pool, axe throwing, watching the ballet , film, opera, book club, darts, bowling, eating in Thai/Indian/Polish restaurants, hiking, biking, art gallery, pottery class whatever it might be. Then you've made an effort and you might find your people.
I find the I never go out people also don't tend to have many friends and as they get older and the kids leave home and DH dies/leaves they are the most lonely. Sad but true.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 09/06/2024 12:22

I met one of my best friends at work but we don’t work together and we would have been friends otherwise. We just happened to meet at work. Another lady I was friends with left due to ill health and I never see her anymore but we are in touch. Another person I was going to be friends with double crossed me.

VestPantsandSocks · 09/06/2024 12:27

Having a lemonade and spending an hour with them a couple of times a year is not a big deal and will help you build relationships.

As a previous poster mentioned, it's really key as you are part time.

Jeezitneverends · 09/06/2024 12:31

I work part time and find I can be isolated on my team-it’s not deliberate on their part, I’m not there for a third of their working week, and whilst it’s the last thing I want to do, I try to make an effort to go out with them a couple of times a year….it does help that it”s not billed as team building bollocks, just going out for the hell of it

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 09/06/2024 12:34

That said I do go to a couple of the things as it is good to see them out of work. Even when I worked just mornings when dd was small I’d go to the socials which were on afternoon/ evening

DancelikeFredAstaire · 09/06/2024 12:54

I find the I never go out people also don't tend to have many friends and as they get older and the kids leave home and DH dies/leaves they are the most lonely. Sad but true.

I find the I always go out people just tend to gossip about Sandra from logistics affair with Dave from IT and moan endlessly about work because they don't have much of a life outside of it. Sad but true.

See I can do ridiculous generalisations too.

HelpMeGetThrough · 09/06/2024 13:13

Just tell them you keep work and private life separate, including them.

ShorterWorkingYear · 09/06/2024 13:18

NewName24 · 08/06/2024 21:16

I think your husband has a point, that going occasionally would be good.

I wouldn't expect you to go to the pub to watch football - especially as you aren't interested - but the odd meal or quick drink sounds like a nice thing to do.

I think going for a short period very occasionally would be good for social bonding but it's up to you, it's your time.

ShorterWorkingYear · 09/06/2024 13:18

VivienneDelacroix · 08/06/2024 21:37

After constant "are you coming to the Xmas party" bothering, I gave up being polite and just said "You're my colleagues, not my friends, I see you all week, so no".

Ouch. I think there may have been a nicer way to put it?

OriginalUsername2 · 09/06/2024 13:22

Not everyone wants the op unquotable.

OP, just keep saying “I keep telling you, I can’t afford that sort of thing, you guys enjoy yourselves!”

RampantIvy · 09/06/2024 13:31

I don't subscribe to the popular mumsnet view that you should never make friends at work. It sounds so joyless and functional. I agree that maybe going for a meal after work once in a blue moon or something similar really does make a difference to how you interact with your colleagues at work.

I am not a football fan so, for me, it would be easy to say "thanks for asking me, but I'm not keen on football".

And just asking for tap water in the pub sounds cheapskate and "worthy". I am often the driver so my go to non alcoholic drink is a lime and soda.

GentlemanJohnny · 09/06/2024 13:35

I've never worked anywhere where I have socialised with all my colleagues. Some wanted to. Others didn't. It was their call and they could do as they pleased. YANBU.

Happyinarcon · 09/06/2024 13:44

I would make the effort and go to a couple of events. I used to work with one guy who prided himself on rejecting all social offers, right down to refusing to let anyone put Xmas decorations up near his desk. I guess he thought we were all office drones or something. I’m not saying that you are like this person, but the truth is that nobody really wants to be at work, we’d all rather be on a yacht somewhere but small acts of connectedness and camaraderie can’t make a workplace seem warmer and less draining.

harmfulsweeties · 09/06/2024 14:03

YANBU.

No one should be held back for promotion because they didn't want to attend after-work drinks down the pub. It's not everyone's cup of tea and it's so outdated now as well. This idea that everyone is off, having after-work drinks on a Friday afternoon and that's the only way to get ahead.

I don't think there's anything wrong with attending them or organising them, but I hate the fact that people feel so pressured to attend or else they fear they'll be held back for promotion or isolated within their team. Many people don't go to work to make friends-but to work. That doesn't mean that they don't like their colleagues or build in-work relationships with them.

It just means that when work is over-it's over and they're happy to go home and do what they actually want to do. It's not necessarily a reflection on how they view their colleagues as people.

I don't go out on work nights out. It's not my cup of tea-and I'm not going to demand that everyone switches the night out from one of drinking and pub crawling to one of going to the cinema and having a meal-because I know that's not what the majority want.

I'm not a big drinker and I'm not going to tag along to an event where I know there'll be pressure to drink-and questions why I'm not drinking-and pressure to stay longer than I want to. I think when there's pressure to attend-there's often pressure to behave a certain way or stay a certain length of time (that's agreeable to them) too or you still end up looking like an asocial cretin.

MuseKira · 09/06/2024 14:19

Yep, I agree about other posters who've mentioned the "pressure" to attend. I was happy enough to attend work socialising events that I actually wanted to and thought I'd enjoy, i.e. pub quizzes, etc., but the pressure and then shaming when I didn't go along to their cricket or snooker sessions was completely out of order and I told them so (and their bosses) when I left!

However, I also see the other side of things when you have staff who simply won't ever go to anything, and it does kind of spoil working relationships/friendships.

So, two sides of the coin really.

I was discussing this exact thing with our son yesterday. He's 10 months into his first "proper" job after graduation and working in a huge firm. About 15-20 graduates started at the same time. The firm set up internet group chats so they could start "chatting" in the months leading up to the start date, they also set up a couple of voluntary "get to know each other" days last Summer, with a free lunchtime buffet, tours of the offices, etc. Son threw himself into it all, despite having previously been very shy and socially anxious (not helped by being stuck at Uni during covid lockdowns), but he knew he had to throw himself in. Few others bothered. Only two of them turned up at the "get to know you days", only 3 or 4 of them engaged with the online chat. He got to know a couple of the others quite well over the internet and when they started work, and between them, they came up with all kinds of ideas for socialising with the other grads, i.e. asking if anyone was up for a river boat ride (river right outside the office!), or going to the museum, or going for an evening "ghost walk" of the town, or even getting together for lunch in the park across the bridge. Absolutely zilch response! After the first month or two, they stopped asking and making suggestions and just do things themselves now, along with some interns (work placement uni students) who likewise threw themselves into socialising! None of things they'd been suggesting involved getting drunk, going to pubs, doing sports, etc., that fair enough, some wouldn't have been interested in, they were all pretty simple/generic/cheap activities. What he's really annoyed about now is that he's starting to come across some of them working in other departments/other floors, etc., and they're moaning that there's no social activities happening and they're a bit disenfranchised with the firm, especially as they're encourage to WFH for 2 days a week! He's had to remind a few of them that attempts were made but there was little or no interest from them!!

It does work both ways. You get out what you put in. I think that pressure is completely wrong, but it's also just as wrong to shun perfectly simple/cheap/generic activities all the time, especially if you then bemoan that work colleagues don't talk or you feel left out! Best to get on in there and help shape what activities are taking place by offering suggestions, etc., rather than simply opting out and then whinging about other colleagues being "more in the know" or nepotism etc.

RampantIvy · 09/06/2024 14:25

we’d all rather be on a yacht somewhere but small acts of connectedness and camaraderie can’t make a workplace seem warmer and less draining.

Absolutely.

Cosycore · 09/06/2024 14:27

I don’t socialise with work colleagues any more. I don’t like how it makes me feel. So I just don’t do it anymore
YANBU op

LilacK · 10/06/2024 15:31

I find the I never go out people also don't tend to have many friends and as they get older and the kids leave home and DH dies/leaves they are the most lonely. Sad but true.

I don't go out with my work colleagues, but I have lots of friends outside work. My work colleagues are the ones who seem not to have any friends outside their 2 or 3 work buddies. Then when said work colleagues retire, they gradually stop getting invited to stuff because eventually they have nothing in common with those still in the workplace, and end up alone. Sad, but true!

RosePetals86 · 10/06/2024 15:41

YANBU just do what you feel comfortable with OP. Your own time is valuable don’t let work dictate what you do with it!

CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine · 10/06/2024 15:49

I always turn down after work social events, I really do like most of the people I work with but I find things awkward in an out of work situation and find social situations hard in general.

I also spent years working part time in a team where everyone else was full time and would arrange outings in expensive places then complained when I wouldn’t go. I remember one Christmas outing someplace that was something like £90 per head, for a shit meal on a Thursday evening then having to pay into the drinks kitty while I only had soft drinks and everyone drank expensive cocktails and all of this two weeks before Christmas. No thanks.

nobeans · 10/06/2024 20:37

Pleasebeafleabite · 08/06/2024 21:24

If I was your colleague I’d rather you kept turning me down

Fair enough. I'm probably a bit too "woke" for him and his homophobia

OP posts: