To not want to socialise with my work colleagues?

[nobeans]

I work part time so I don't earn as much as them yet they seem to forget this and complain when I kept turning them down for after work socialising. I just want to get home and see my family. The latest complaint is that I won't go to the pub to watch football with them - it's the euros I think? . 1. I don't drink and 2. I find football dull. My husband says I should make an effort and go once for every twice I say no as it's team building. I just don't see the point. I go out with people I am friends with. Aibu?

I’m part of a very social team. I’m pretty tired after work and my weekends are precious. I still attend every so often. I get a round in and do my best to enjoy the evening. I’d rather not be there but I think it’s important to make the effort.
We have a colleague who never, ever comes and it does feel like a snub.

After constant "are you coming to the Xmas party" bothering, I gave up being polite and just said "You're my colleagues, not my friends, I see you all week, so no".

If you don’t want to go to the pub don’t. I hardly ever socialise with work colleagues-at my age I’ve found it preferable to be honest and say while I really like them and they’re great to work with, I’m anti social and don’t like gatherings. I’d quite happily invite someone round for a cuppa if they’re in my area but don’t do social events. Are there any other things which are possible if you did want to see your colleagues outside work? Like a quiz night or country walk? But I’d only offer if you want to. Christ-I’m reliable, good to work with, good attention to detail, drama free-I’m a good colleague! If you’re the same, don’t feel pressured into socialising!

When you are in the office, you need to work. After work drinks is when you let off steam - it's your chance to vent about your boss, or just to have a laugh. It's best to keep both out of the office, right? You don't want to carry resentment into work, so talk about any issues in a casual way over a drink, and 99% of the time you feel validated knowing that you are not alone or better that you've been heard. Likewise, too much joking about in the office isn't going to get you very far, save it for after.

Once I worked for a very toxic company. Everyone on the team was very competitive, wouldn't share notes or explain how to do something. Then I got invited to a social. 5 or 6 of us went to a colleagues house to play video games and drink gin. (I hate video games and very rarely drink). I went anyway and I promise you, work was much easier after that. Suddenly people were much more open and friendly.

I feel strongly about this because I did get it wrong once and deeply regretted it. Sometimes, you just have to suck it up. Unless of course it's a job that you really don't care about. I've had those too - couldn't be out the door fast enough!

I think it's ok to go now and again, that doesn't eat significantly into family time and shows willing. And who knows - maybe you'll like them.
If you don't like their suggestions because they're too expensive how about a light "oh too expensive for a part timer like me, not this time, but maybe we could go to X next time?"

I know many on MN think socialising with colleagues is akin to sleeping with the enemy but it does make things a lot easier at times. And you may not always be part-time, and if they know you better the nice jobs and promotions etc may come easier than if they don't think about you because you barely speak to them. It is a bitof a stretch to think that but you never know.

At least they keep asking you. I'd have given up after about the third refusal.

unquotable, no, but truncated like it is on the mobile version would be good.

What sort of job is it?

why does the bonding happen so much?

Plenty of people can't really socialise outside of work. I don't, at the moment, because we have four kids including a baby, and evenings are hectic at home! So I don't think it should be held against you.

Different things are more important at different times of your life. But it is also important to keep in touch with the less important things, not too often but now and again, because you never know when it might become important again etc.

Being friendly (no need to pretend to be BFFs) with colleagues is useful. You never know when it may come in useful to grease the wheels of the corporate ladder, or maybe you need a lift to work and you know - due to informal meetings/chats - that they love close. etc etc.

Having said that - if a company is pushing "team bonding" then it is entirely justifiable to book a 1 hour meeting and play pictionary or something. We do that once a week and it's brilliant fun, and it really helps us work together. But we also sometimes meet up outside work, not always the same group, and that is fine too. Nobody is shunned for not going though

People should not be held back from promotion because they don't want to socialise with colleagues.
I do have a life outside work. I work in retail and our manager is great but is very friendly with a couple of the team leaders but most of the others have had major issues with one of these leaders and it's not being dealt with because of this friendship. Manager has said she finds it awkward because they are now close.
Anyway don't go if you don't want to, I never do.

We rarely have work do’s as even though a small team, there are people with kids/caring responsibilities, non drinkers (not an issue but quick pint after work doesn’t appeal to them obviously), etc etc. So we try and organise something inclusive….it’s hard but worth it as you do see a different side to people and understand things about them that help at work.

a friends work colleague was admirably forthright when asked to socials ‘I hardly go out with my real friends so I’m not going out with you lot’.

she then expected work to pay for her retirement do….there was some eye rolling.

I’m the same. We don’t have that many events. I have agreed to go to one in a couple of weeks but it’s right near where I live and should be done and home by 9pm. I go to the Xmas party and any in work time stuff but that’s it. I’ve had some issues with one of my colleagues recently so I don’t want to socialise with her but she isn’t going anyway. I don’t drink either.

Asking for tap water is a bit off . One soft drink and make it last ? They are clearly making an effort to include you which I think is nice and always saying no is very unfriendly and knobbish .a couple of ££ and an hour of your time isn't that much of a commitment surely?

Absolutely fine to not want to go out with them.

I used to go out with work colleagues when I was young but later on I stopped and they got used to my refusal whenever I was asked.
It is not compulsory and don't be forced into doing it, they are your colleagues and not friends/family (they can be friends if you want but that is your choice).

This
You don’t have to go to every gathering but I do think going for an hour and a lemonade every few months is not that big a deal.
In my job being a close knit team is extremely beneficial. It is a huge part of why we’re good at what we do. People who have come along and made zero effort to join the (rare) socialising opportunities have often struggled. Shared experiences are important in my opinion.
Allowances are always made for family situations and we are very careful to ensure what we do is never expensive. It does feel that those who never come don’t value our team in the same way.

If you keep saying no enough times they will eventually stop asking in my experience.

You’re paid to work with them, not socialise with them. Your time, you do what you want.

I go to some of them as the night they all like to have a works night out is a night I have a long term commitment.

I wouldn't go to the football but I'd be okay going to the pub once in a while. I've never had any pressure to drink when there, and don't go very often. I'm quite open that I have caring responsibilities though, and once in a while, I suggest lunch in a cafe so we can chat then. That's a nice balance. Not everyone comes to lunch each time, we just order our own food and pay independently.

I have worked in social places with two that were the majority of my entire career being very sociable plus in those places dinners and drinks were often free. I’m still friends with people though I haven’t worked with one of them since 1994 and some since 1999 and 2013.

Just go along occasionally, apart from anything else tongues loosen and you can learn a lot.

Fine not to go, providing you decline politely and don't back out last minute.

It used to be put in my annual appraisal that I didn't value the team because I refused to spend time with them; and my goal for the next year was to socialise more. We had the same discussion every year. Nope.

I'm sure if you had pushed it you could have claimed some form of indirect discrimination or harassment.

As for the football watching the OP mentions, I can think of a number of reasons not to go. Wales haven't qualified is one, nor have several other countries that people have heritage from, for starters.

I would go if I'm available (but there have usually been discussions about which evenings are best for people,) and if it's something I'm interested in. I wouldn’t go to watch football, don't want to go karting. Not keen on bowling, but I'll go. Meal out, fine. I don't drink, but I'll have a Coke, though I usually move to water after a couple. If it bothers anyone, tough on them.

But it can be useful as a way to get to know people, and I usually like the people I work with - even the few exceptions, if you're in a group, you can usually avoid speaking to them individually.

I used to give lame reasons for not going to work socials. After a couple of years I just used to say bluntly that I am an antisocial old moo, and preferred the sofa and Netflix. Oddly, everyone accepts this without judgement or query. And I have never felt like the work pariah.