My closest friend has fallen out with me without explanation

[Suncreamfootball]

I’m really upset and need some candid advice please and probably a head wobble.

42 I’ve known my best friend I’ll call her T since high school. There was a period of time for about 5 years we lost touch when she lived away but we became close again about 13 years ago we became mums and she lived closer. we are very close speak several times daily especially since she started at the same organisation I work for .

about 18 months ago T went through a bad time and didn’t speak to me or any other friends for a couple of weeks afterwards it was related to her going through a difficult time with mental health which I completely get.

this year has been very difficult for me I’ve been going through the mill with my health and need to have surgery which hasn’t been the easiest thing to sort for various reasons but I’m been mindful not to put on T or other friends.
anyway it’s all coming to a head now surgery very soon and T has gone MIA. From speaking few times a day to nothing about 3 weeks ago. At first I thought it was self preservation and due to mental health like last time so sent a couple msg saying ‘no pressure hope you’re ok if I can do anything to help pls let me know’ . and nothing even with my surgery health problems etc all happening now. T’s has been at work and speaking to other friends so it’s an issue with me now I think. So left it another week no contact and said I hope you’re ok I think I’ve done something to upset which I would never want to do - can we please talk? She’s replied and said can I chat to you next week?
I feel like if I’ve done something ( which I’ve thought and genuinely don’t think have) just tell me so I’m worrying about this when I’ve got other things to be concerned about at the minute.
but now I’m sat here worrying what I’ve done to upset her

sorry just realise how long that post is

God that's pretty poor form on her part. You're the one going through a rough time and now she's left you dangling after ignoring you for weeks.

If at all possible try to keep an open mind before The Big Reveal - it might have nothing to do with you. If it is about you take a deep breath before or even if you respond.

You are not obligated however to dance to her tune here. You are the one needing support and I'm assuming you were the one giving support when the tables were turned.

Has a time for the chat been arranged? If yes, leave all communication till then.

If not, suggest a few times and places that suit you. If she's flaky or leaves you hanging I would have no qualms walking away from her; less friends are better than lots of fairweather friends.

She sounds like a whole lot of hard work. Sometimes friendships have to end.

Thanks for your responses I’m stuck between 1. She might be really be struggling with her mental health and maybe I have done something to upset her
or 2. She’s not being a great friend and this is really unkind to leave me dangling at this current time
or 3. All of the above god knows

Sounds like she doesn’t want you being centre of attention given your upcoming surgery.

Honestly? Unless she comes up with a really good explanation i would not chase,
be pleasant and breezy (given you have to work with her) and be prepared to bin her off.

Nobody needs fair weather friends. I got rid of mine and it made space for some really lovely people to come into my life.

I hope you're ok

You are the one facing surgery, so she should be supporting you.

Unless something really bad has happened in her life, then she is a bit of a crap friend. Actually, even if she is having a terrible time, she could have written: "having a very rough time, sorry for lack of contact, hope your surgery goes well"

I don't like the "can I talk to you next week" I think that just leaves you hanging and worrying.

I would re-evaluate this friendship. She isn't there for you. She isn't supporting you and worse, she is stressing you out.

If she moans about some of your behaviour, I'd simply say that I hadn't meant to hurt her and then cool things right off.

Thanks for responses it’s going be a difficult few days. Not responded yet to T

I have an anxious attachment style which goes someway to explain it but if this were me I'd have cut her off dead by now. I would absolutely not be chatting 'next week'.

She knows you're upset and instead of trying to allay your fears she's prolonging it. Sounds like a power trip to me.

If you have upset her then she could've acknowledged that. 'yes, you have upset me but I'd rather chat face to face. Can we talk on Monday?'

If you haven't upset her then she's just enjoying knowing you're squirming. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sack her off.

Maybe she's pulled right back because she's scared something bad might happen to you in surgery so she's self protecting.

Or maybe someone has told her some rubbish about you.

Or maybe she's totally misunderstood something.

I'm sure it's nothing you've actually done and it's either her issue, or someone lying about you.

Wait for the chat with her next week, and then at least you can find out what's going on and have an open talk about it. How did she respond since her difficult time 18 months ago and when you started having a difficult time recently, was the friendship normal then, or was she distancing herself at all from back then? Also, when you were going through tough times before, how was she then with you, e.g. pregnancy/childbirth concerns, was she sympathetic before? If she values the friendship hopefully you'll be able to at least have an honest discussion and could be salvageable.

Do you contact her 3 times a day or do ye take turns. Be honest with yourself. I would go off my head if someone was contacting me that often.

As hard as it is I’d wait until next week. How do you know she’s talking to other friends?
You’ve got a lot going on at the moment, try and focus on that and worry about T next week.

It’s pretty even but in all honestly maybe more her calling me but mostly even.

Thanks all your thoughts on this I was prepared for different responses altogether so will reflect on your comments

I don't think you've done anything to upset her. She just doesn't sound very nice.

Keep us posted. I actually saw my former friend unexpectedly today after years. In the surprise of it I momentarily forgot she'd stopped talking to me and greeted her warmly, which I think took her aback.

I'm virtually certain I did nothing to cause that whole situation so I've stopped wasting headspace wondering.

Sounds like you did well in that interaction and definitely the bigger person

Have you responded to her OP? Or heard anymore from her?

No nothing as yet. To her message can I talk to you next week (from sat) I sent one back saying ‘fine’ but not heard anything

Are your DC friends? Have they fallen out?

I have been on the receiving end of this, over a total misunderstanding.Its hurts, solidarity @Suncreamfootball .

Stop worrying and consider yourself in the driving seat as she has been a rubbish friend and YOU have reason to be annoyed with her. There could be something going on that has nothing to do with her but don't let her be the victim and make you feel you have to work for her friendship.

It’s also perfectly possible that something happened in her own life that’s she’s got to work through. Really not possible to say at this time if she’s cutting you off or not.

Speaking a few times each day sounds much too intense for some people (me at least) in a friend. She may have other things going on and not want to worry you in the lead-up to surgery. Just be patient and decide if her explanation works for you or not when you actually hear it.

I guess the main issue is that you need someone at home during recovery time and wanted her to do it? This page might help with options for you to arrange aftercare: www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/care-after-a-hospital-stay/care-after-illness-or-hospital-discharge-reablement/.

It's not good friend behaviour to behave like this though with no explanation even if she is going through stuff.

OP I had a 'best friend' who did this to me once. I went nuclear and rejected her offer of a reconciliatory chat after she blanked me for weeks, and we never spoke again. Several years later a mutual friend asked her what it was that caused us to fall out and she couldn't remember. She gave a reason related to something that happened in her life AFTER we stopped talking. I realised with hindsight this friend wasn't a nice person, that she has main character syndrome and was quite controlling. I didn't see it at the time. You might be better off.

Well, I can imagine someone I know describing me like this. However, I just got sick of providing her with more support than she ever provided me with. She would not see that but that is how it felt to me.

I was finding life very difficult at a time she wanted more support (which I gave willingly for about 2 months- practical and emotional.) I felt invisible yet again to her as a person and had no support from her but she knew how much I was struggling to manage. I'd just had enough and backed off. Perhaps she couldn't manage it at the time- but it's a pattern. Her needs have to be met but mine don't matter really. She pays lip service to supporting me in my view. Over the years we have these 'interludes' and usually after a break drift back as friends.

I'm not saying this is true of you, just that it can seem very different from someone else's point of view.