My closest friend has fallen out with me without explanation

[Suncreamfootball]

I’m really upset and need some candid advice please and probably a head wobble.

42 I’ve known my best friend I’ll call her T since high school. There was a period of time for about 5 years we lost touch when she lived away but we became close again about 13 years ago we became mums and she lived closer. we are very close speak several times daily especially since she started at the same organisation I work for .

about 18 months ago T went through a bad time and didn’t speak to me or any other friends for a couple of weeks afterwards it was related to her going through a difficult time with mental health which I completely get.

this year has been very difficult for me I’ve been going through the mill with my health and need to have surgery which hasn’t been the easiest thing to sort for various reasons but I’m been mindful not to put on T or other friends.
anyway it’s all coming to a head now surgery very soon and T has gone MIA. From speaking few times a day to nothing about 3 weeks ago. At first I thought it was self preservation and due to mental health like last time so sent a couple msg saying ‘no pressure hope you’re ok if I can do anything to help pls let me know’ . and nothing even with my surgery health problems etc all happening now. T’s has been at work and speaking to other friends so it’s an issue with me now I think. So left it another week no contact and said I hope you’re ok I think I’ve done something to upset which I would never want to do - can we please talk? She’s replied and said can I chat to you next week?
I feel like if I’ve done something ( which I’ve thought and genuinely don’t think have) just tell me so I’m worrying about this when I’ve got other things to be concerned about at the minute.
but now I’m sat here worrying what I’ve done to upset her

Sorry OP. As scooby said, fuck her. Look after yourself and when you’re feeling better you can think about meeting some new people. For now just be very compassionate to yourself.

She’s just been in touch need to process it but it’s nothing I’ve done

But also indicated that she doesn’t see it’s something that we can resolve still none wiser

Ha ha, keeping you dangling, eh? Time to block and move on.

Leave her to it and mind yourself OP.

So she's still not actually told you what the problem is??

What did she say?!

I don’t know what she said but I agree it appears she’s unable to reciprocate the support you gave her and is backing off now that it looks like you you may be struggling.

It sounds bad but I have a childhood friend that I have given so much support to (emotionally and financially ) and the only way I can stop her from being so dependent on me is to tell her I’m struggling with stuff.

She withdraws communication instantly and goes quiet - it’s bliss! To be clear - she steps back when she thinks she may have to support for me for a change 😏

I think some people just like to create unnecessary drama and can be over dramatic.

You’ve done nothing wrong yet she said there’s a matter she doesn’t think can be resolved.

I would personally for my own sanity take charge of the situation and block her and move on. Not only did she fail to be there for you she is quite clearly causing unnecessary stress to your life.

It hurts but you can be in control, block and you can hold your head high

I’m not sure what to make of it.
she basically said she’s extremely sorry she’s had mh issues- felt awful for not being in touch And has been terrible. And that she expects that due to the length of time she would understand we can’t resolve things now.
not sure if she’s meaning - I wouldn’t be able to forgive her or whether she’s alluding to an issue that caused her to not speak to me and now it’s gone on too long there’s no point discussing it.

Hmmm, there’s two things this could be.

1. She’s looking for a way to end the friendship and has taken the cowards way out.

OR

2. She’s genuinely struggled. Feels awful and doesn’t know how to fix it.

I think the best way to go in is open. You can’t have a relationship without work. You lose nothing from keeping things supportive and open ended, so when she’s feeling better you might be able to patch things up. She is making all the decisions here. I’d take control by being friendly and supportive but not pursuing her that hard.

The cynic in me would also do this so if things never got better I couldn’t be accused on being a shit friend or a drama queen.

Personally, I would forgive her but no longer put effort into maintaining the friendship. If she wants to meet/chat/whatever, then go but it needs to be her making the first move for a while.

Suggest a chat. There needs to be clarity whatever happens now.

The last few posts nailed it.
I would be kind, breezy and busy.
Best of luck with your surgery.

Ghost them forever

Sounds like a friend I have who struggles with the idea that people genuinely like her and that we continue to be friends because we love her. It's a trauma issue. So I take your friend's message as being understanding if too much time has gone by for you to forgive her disappearance.

I would reply (if you want to maintain the friendship) with something like you value her friendship and understand that sometimes she needs to withdraw for her own sake, you've been struggling with your own health issues and would appreciate some time together to unwind and catch up.

See what she comes back with.

How are things, op?