My closest friend has fallen out with me without explanation

[Suncreamfootball]

I’m really upset and need some candid advice please and probably a head wobble.

42 I’ve known my best friend I’ll call her T since high school. There was a period of time for about 5 years we lost touch when she lived away but we became close again about 13 years ago we became mums and she lived closer. we are very close speak several times daily especially since she started at the same organisation I work for .

about 18 months ago T went through a bad time and didn’t speak to me or any other friends for a couple of weeks afterwards it was related to her going through a difficult time with mental health which I completely get.

this year has been very difficult for me I’ve been going through the mill with my health and need to have surgery which hasn’t been the easiest thing to sort for various reasons but I’m been mindful not to put on T or other friends.
anyway it’s all coming to a head now surgery very soon and T has gone MIA. From speaking few times a day to nothing about 3 weeks ago. At first I thought it was self preservation and due to mental health like last time so sent a couple msg saying ‘no pressure hope you’re ok if I can do anything to help pls let me know’ . and nothing even with my surgery health problems etc all happening now. T’s has been at work and speaking to other friends so it’s an issue with me now I think. So left it another week no contact and said I hope you’re ok I think I’ve done something to upset which I would never want to do - can we please talk? She’s replied and said can I chat to you next week?
I feel like if I’ve done something ( which I’ve thought and genuinely don’t think have) just tell me so I’m worrying about this when I’ve got other things to be concerned about at the minute.
but now I’m sat here worrying what I’ve done to upset her

thanks all food for thought. I feel a lot better than the weekend.

Does she have a history of falling out with people? Do you work closely with her? How is she with other people at work? Has she supported you when you've been going through a tough time in the past? Had it been arranged that she was supposed to be providing you with practical support for the surgery? How much support were you wanting from her?

Yes she could be going through significant mental health issues but if she is still working and acting normally there, I don't think a text to say she is struggling ans she hopes you're OK, would be beyond her.

I'd think it's something different. Like you're the supportive one in the friendship and she isn't keen on the role reversal as the attention isn't on her, or she is too selfish to think about anyone else or something. Nobody ever admits to anything like that so they invent spurious reasons to avoid you.

It could be a mis understanding eg someone said something at work however with a friendship as close as yours, you would think she should always give you the benefit of the doubt and speak to you first.

If you know that you haven't done anything wrong or are expecting too much of her (eg I know you're worried about your surgery but if you're calling her about it for hours a day, expecting her to drop everything while you go over and over the same things, expect her to pick you up from hospital and look after you afterwards, do all your shopping and cooking, take your kids for a week etc) then I think it's time to feel the anger. If all you wanted was a listening ear and she couldn't even provide that then this isn't a proper friendship. Stop worrying about her as she certainly isn't worrying about you. It does sound a very intense relationship, most people don't phone their partner 3x a day, and that kind of dependence can be a bit u healthy as it stops you looking for other friends and leaves a hole in your life if anything goes wrong. So even if you make up, I'd take this as a lesson that you maybe need more friends around you rather than a really intense relationship with one friend

Good advice thank you definitely.

we don’t work closely together at all. Not real life example but for context- both work at same hospital one in IT the other in dermatology as nurse, our paths almost never cross just rarely.

wasn’t expecting any support from her - she did offer to have the children for me but nothing set in stone and I have family helping out so there was no expectation on my part that she would be doing anything.

When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer it took me ages to come to terms with it and I definitely did not have headspace for anything else.

sometimes other people
have to take a backseat.

I have previously backed off from friends who expected me to be in constant contact with them. I didn't ghost them; I just tried to set a boundary in a gentle way. I have an intense job and small kids; I can't cope with a friend who treats me like their partner. I wonder if something similar is going on here.

Eg I had a friend who would text me things like, 'Are you annoyed with me? We haven't seen each other in ages' when I wasn't annoyed with her, and had seen her the week before. It was too much.

Sounds like she can’t cope with or is fed up of, the 3 x per day thing. Even if she was often the one to contact you. It may be that she felt obligated to in a way or that she felt you expected her to? I mean maybe not 🤷🏼‍♀️ Just a thought

When I've had surgery in the past I didn't expect anything from my friends. They didn't do anything. What are you expecting from her?
Maybe she's overwhelmed by your expectations?

I appreciate some people need space and don't feel up to communicating for whatever reason, however it takes literally a second to say something like "you haven't said anything to upset me, I just need a little space". Regardless of what is going on with her, to just give you the silent treatment and then a cryptic reply of asking to talk next week comes across as attention seeking. Especially given your upcoming op, it sounds like maybe she doesnt like you having a reason to get attention for a change...?

My initial thought when she asked to meet with you was that there might be something she wants to discuss, however the fact she has vanished again cements my suspicion it is an attention thing. Either that or she needs learn to communicate like an adult.

If the situation was the other way around, would she tolerate you being like this towards her? You have done all you can and done everything right. If she persists to not talk to you, leave her be. You have your own things to deal with.

I suspect it'll be because you are now the one who is having a hard time. I had, what I thought was a good friend. I did my best to support her with depression for years, then again when she suffered a shock bereavement. When I then suddenly lost a family member she dropped me like a stone. When I asked her why some time later, she said she had to protect her MH. Looking back it was always a rather one way friendship, with her using me for support. Some people really need to be the centre of attention at all times.

It seems like she all take ,and no give to me . Sometimes when you are friends from an early age ,as you get older you can drift apart a bit.This happened to me as well .I would take a step back if you can ,she sounds like she doesnt want to give back ATM . Some times you can "be there" for someone and when its their "turn" they dont want to do it back!Be greatful you have been good chums and let it go .Often find one door closes as another opens am Mum used to say!

Do a bit of going on recognising toxic people to see if it rings any bells.

They tend to like for you to be questioning yourself, unsure if you did something wrong. They also like to be in control - she's has an the control here. She's controlling the level of contact and controlling how much information you have about what the issue is. She may not like that you have your own problems to deal with at the moment. Don't be surprised if she comes back with a bigger drama to over shadow your health problems.

When people are high drama and not speaking to you it can be very freeing to just leave them to it rather than chasing after them.

I have a "friend" who likes to paint me as a bit of a loser, but every time she has a blow-out with her partner, she calls me for a shoulder to cry on. And that's the only time she calls me these days.

Last time I was genuinely busy when she wanted to talk, and she pretended it was a social call and said we would touch base the following week. Of course I knew it would not happen and it didn't - obviously she found someone else to bail her out so I went back on the shelf.

Honestly, some people!

Some horrible experiences on here why are some people so mean.
still no call and not holding my breath for today either. I haven’t messaged since that last message I sent at weekend and won’t be - I’m open to the conversation if she does call but if not then that will be it. I’m hurt I can’t say I’m not but it’s out of my hands ultimately.

Might be worth confirming you don't expect her to have the kids, she may be overwhelmed and trying to avoid a difficult chat to say she can't manage it - but you don't actually need the help so no issue.

Thanks it was offered very casually if you need help let me know and I’ve never said I did so think she must know I wasn’t expecting her to have kids

3 weeks now still nothing. I think the issue is she’s fallen out with me/ghosting me whatever reason in which case I’m sad but nothing I can do but there’s a small part of me worried that she’s having a breakdown/feeling suicidal and I’m not checking in - should I msg her or her husband to check if she’s ok?

No I wouldn't check in. I'm not saying you should by the way, simply that I wouldn't. I don't think friendships should be oneway traffic and she's not giving you any support.

I think i would check quickly with her husband. "Is OK? If she needs any support, let me know. I'll be in hospital from x, y, z so not very much I can do practically but I'm available to talk." If she's not OK then it's a nice thing to do. If she is OK then it's beautifully passive aggressive!

No, don’t contact her. She will be getting her emotional needs met elsewhere, don’t worry about that. And she’s obviously getting some kind of satisfaction from leaving you hanging.

She can fuck off. She knows about your surgery. She doesn’t care. Sorry OP - sometimes it takes a long time and certain circumstances to expose who someone really is/a fault line in a relationship.

Yes. I once witnessed a former friend do this to another friend when she was having cancer treatment. There were some unkind comments which really exposed who she was and I dropped her too.

She knows and not contacting you is her continued choice. It's horrible but it's unfortunately a display of her true colours. You have reached out. Leave it, or perhaps send a final message if it makes you feel better and then be prepared to leave it.

There will be others who will support you.

I wouldn't check in either. She knows that you are worried about your friendship and she has done nothing to try and repair that. Don't keep crawling back.

Dump her

How are you @Suncreamfootball?

I’m ok- ish thank you had a bad few days but feel much better about my upcoming operation.
no word from ‘friend’. I came close to messaging her the other day but I stopped myself. I think I have been a really good friend but have asked in case I had done something and heard nothing back.
its a real shame it has been a lovely friendship I thought but obviously not for her so I feel sad about it - but definitely out of my control.

Fuck her OP.

What a nasty selfish friend.

You be there and communicate with your friend even if you're hurting.

Selfish cow. Sack her off.