Would you sack nanny over this?

[YourMerryBrickRobin]

AHave name changed as potentially outing.

Nanny has been with us for 6 years, since our joint biological eldest turned 1 (DH has two kids aged 18 and 14, eldest lives with us full time youngest visits in school holidays)

We have never really had any problems although we will admit a boundary has been slightly pushed lately but we let it go- her long term boyfriend was left homeless, so we agree he could TEMPORARILY move on but would be in the caravan outdoors as he wasn’t DBS checked and didn’t want him staying in the house. He seems a nice enough guy and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t harm my children and appreciate a DBS doesn’t stop that, but it was a boundary we put in place.

He started coming into the house around the DC while we weren’t there. Got a bit more annoyed, but chose not to rock the boat as Nanny is a diamond

Anyway today- she left our youngest (9 months) in the care of her boyfriend while she went and collected DS from nursery, which is literally a 5 minute walk away. Reason being- we had DDs car seat in our car. She didn’t attempt to contact either me or DH (we are both self employed and always within 10-15 miles of home) despite noticing this morning when she was going to take her to the park (DH dropped DS off, we have 2 same stage car seats hence why it wasn’t an issue with DS this morning)

Im pissed off if I’m honest. Like I said, nice enough guy but don’t know him well enough to look after my child even if it was for under 10 minutes

AIBU?

"Someone she trusted" who she allowed into the house when she knew she wasn't supposed to while OP and her husband were out. That's a breach of trust in itself

Well yes, but realistically this was always going to happen once he was living in the garden". It could have done no matter where he was living, but actually being on the premises almost guaranteed it, which is why I wouldn't have allowed him to stay at all if I didn't want anyone else there with the DCs

Is it just me though, or is that a pretty strange thing for the nanny to have requested in the first place? And while it's not uncommon I'd have wanted to know the circumstances of him becoming homeless before even considering it

She's 18? Trained nanny or no training?

NO, she is not 18. That is the OP’s DSC… she is likely mid to late 20s.

Please read the OP's posts. She does not give the nanny's age.

Her step-child is 18

Oh yes I see, sorry misread.

This is a clear cut case of giving someone an inch and them taking a mile. She is unboundaried and is showing poor judgement. As are you.

You have done her a massive favour and in just two weeks she has broken your conditions for that favour. There are the cases you have written about and probably others you haven’t discovered.

You don’t have to sack her but at the very least you need to tell the boyfriend to make other arrangements by the end of the week and tell the nanny if it happens again she will be sacked and you tell the agency why.

That’s exactly why I said it was a bad judgement call, unacceptable and OP would be within rights to sack her.

I, however, could get past it if she otherwise showed good judgement and understood the error of her ways when it was addressed and boundaries re-instated to stop it happening again.

The logical thing to do would be to discuss with the nanny that she's not happy with her DC being left with the boyfriend .........

Shouldn't this be a given? If the nanny needs it spelling out to her that she should not be leaving her charge with her boyfriend, that really is a big concern.

It’s a difficult situation.

I don’t think I’d sack her. But on the other hand, things have got completely out of control.

I wonder if he pushed her to come in the house with the kids when you weren’t there, or whether she happily invited him in.

and I wonder if she found out about the car seat issue when it was too late to walk

Presuming you don't think the boyfriend has ever abused kids, the reality is that he probably poses no risk to your kids even if he is on his own with them for a short time. I don't think there is a "right" or a "wrong" response to this. What the nanny did was wrong, certainly. What would make you comfortable? If you want to let the nanny go with immediate affect, that would be a reasonable and justified response. If you want to keep the nanny but kick the boyfriend out, or ban him from ANY contact with the kids, that would be reasonable too. As would saying he could stay, but not be alone with the kids! You could also say he needs a DBS check to keep staying there, and, presuming it came back clean, it is up to you whether you say he still can't be alone with the kids for a short time, or not. If it helps, the childminder we use has to DBS check all the 18+ people that live in the house, even though only one of them is a registered assistant and would be alone with the children.

Genuinely shocking and I think shows a really poor level of professionalism and judgement. Even if she knows he is not a risk, she should always err on the side of safety with those in her care. Anything could have happened

It's tricky. She's pretty much one of the family surely. You trust her with the most important things in your lives. Presumably she wouldn't want them at any rusk either.
Its clear you don't trust her judgement and I think she'll leave anyway. Time for a change.

I'm not generally someone who would want to be harsh on an employee whose circumstances might not be that great anyway, but in this case, I probably would. The guy definitely would need to go and I would NEVER have taken him in with young children in the house.

Major alarm bells reading your post. Not saying there is necessarily anything wrong with the guy but neither he or your nanny understand boundaries.

So this man 'found himself homeless' and has no family or friends that could take him in? Had to be taken in by his girlfriend's employers?

Red flags all over that. 🚩🚩🚩

”Good” Nannie’s or any childcare providers DON’T leave their charges with their boyfriend especially if their employer has told them he is not even to be in the house. Of course you can be sacked for such very poor care. Earnings are for minor infractions not this level of negligence.

Written warning as she is otherwise an excellent nanny.

I would be very sad to let go someone that worked for us such significant amount of time but that would be my decision. You don’t know the guy, you think he wouldn’t harm your children but child abusers don’t walk around with a disclaimer saying “I’m a molester!”. Is this guy used to small children, is he aware how much attention they need (particularly at 9 months where they are crawling, cruising etc). I know I’m painting the worst scenarios here but those are risks I wouldn’t be willing to take.

I used to be a nanny. If I was told my boyfriend wasn't allowed in the house then he wouldn't have come into the house as I'd expect to be sacked by the parents.

You have been very fair, too fair, she's very lucky.

She's not the only nanny. Kids get attached but they cope fine with change.

I would have let her go. It wasn't her decision to make, she decided to go against you rather than walk with a buggy. It's disrespectful to you even if the child was safe with the boyfriend.

This is clearly gross misconduct so sacking is fine and should happen imo.

Every nanny contract I've had has had, front and centre, that the nanny's first and single most important responsibility was to keep the children safe.

This nanny failed at that. She is not in any way an "excellent nanny".

I genuinely can't understate the righteous outrage that would be seen on here had a nursery key worker randomly got her boyfriend to cover part of her shift. People would be incandescent. They would do their best to shut the nursery down (and rightly so). There would be complaints to Ofsted (and rightly so). Other parents would pull their kids out (and rightly so).

I'd argue that this man has manipulated his way into a family with young children. Exactly the behaviour of an abuser. He could well be grooming the nanny too.

(She has to go. 100%.)

OP, you've been very kind in housing her BF BUT you should have never ever let him move in. Surely he has family or friends of his own? This man is a complete stranger to you. Why on earth does he want to live in a caravan in your garden?

In addition, by having the BF around 24/7 your nanny will not be focussed on her job of caring for your children.

Re whether you should sack nanny, unfortunately she has made a massive error of judgment. I work in childcare and it is a massive safeguarding breach to leave a child with a stranger. I would be sacked for such an offence and anyone who works in childcare know they should never do this. I can't believe your nanny has been so stupid, makes me wonder what other errors of judgment she has made.

Tricky - but I’m mindful of a friend who had to sack their lovely nanny after a new boyfriend was found to have “history”.
There had been no contact with the children (but the first my friend knew was when the police ended up knocking on the door to check)

That's exactly what I've been thinking. It may be unfortunate circumstances, he may be blameless ... or it may be something uglier.

Even without the paramount issue of the children's safety, I wouldn't accept having an employee let some random man let into my home when I'm not there and have already said he's not to come in. Just because she trusts him doesn't mean OP should - and his presence in the house shows neither he nor the nanny is trustworthy.

If anyone I trusted to look after my children decided to up and leave them with a stranger without my approval/knowledge, unless it was for an absolute emergency, I would never trust them to look after my child again. Period. The fact that you had clearly set a boundary that BF should not be in the house at all and she ignored that just makes it worse. I’m all for second chances, but not when it comes to my children’s safety.