MIL took a photo of my child with a stranger

[Cookiemonster81]

We were out with my in-laws last weekend. Stopped for some food in a small grassy area and as we were finishing up another family came and sat by us. The mother gave her children some little bubble machines to play with and my toddler got very excited so started playing with the children (with the families consent). At one point my DS went and just sat on the lap of the mother - I think she had her phone in her hand and he hasn't grasped that you can't just look at everyone's phones yet.
She was really lovely about it and entertained him for a minute, before I decided that as we had finished we would leave because I didn't want my child disturbing this family for ages.

Then later that night I get a couple of photos sent over from my MIL of my son sitting on this woman's lap. It might sound silly but I instantly burst into tears because my self esteem is at an all time low and I don't have a single photo of me and my child that I like, yet here he looked so happy with this total stranger, it was a nice picture. If it was me and my child I would have been really happy. MIL has never sent a photo of me playing with my son.

A week on and I still feel gutted. It's really got me down. I don't know if she did it on purpose, I doubt it really, but why the fuck would you take a photo of a total stranger that we spent about 5 minutes with and further, why the fuck do you think I'd want it. What are you expecting me to do with that photo. I was there, stood chatting with the woman, I saw it.

AIBU to be so bothered by this, given that MIL knows how I feel about things at the moment or do I just need to stop sulking and forget it.

It is perfectly possible to give the OP a reality check, and good advice, without giving her a kicking, though, @PrincessofWells - shouldn’t that be people’s first impulse?

If you don’t like any photos of yourself how about going for a hair cut and colour or buying some new clothes and or makeup to give yourself a bit of a confidence boost? Treat yourself!

You are you son’s safe space, sitting on your knee is a non-occurrence because he will do it so routinely to feel safe and centred. That’s why your MIL didn’t capture that photo. What she did capture was that your parenting has created a confident little boy, one who is happy to sit with a stranger for a few minutes. She also captured the innocence of childhood.

There are pictures of you and your son but you don’t like yourself in them. I bet if you showed that woman the photo, there will be bits she doesn’t like of herself. Everyone does. But only you see them. I bet if you show your husband or mum those pictures that you don’t like, they love them because it just shows the genuine love you have for your son. My husband has a photo of me and DC as his screensaver. It’s taken from the side and you can see the fat under my chin, the grey hairs. DH loves it though because I’m talking to DC about piglets. It’s just natural.

Ask for more photos of you and your son. He won’t care how you look in those photos but he’ll want to look back on them. And so will you.

This sounds slightly crazy but I also have very few candid photos of myself with my kids, so I have started taking some myself. So many lovely moments happen at home, during the day, when it is just me and them with no one to take a photo.

So sometimes, if we have a really good game going and it is just so fun and lovely, or we are all snuggled up doing some activity, I just prop my phone on the side and hit record, or set a long timer for a photo. I don’t fuss over the perfect angle or whatever because it distracts from the game and makes the photos less natural.

But, doing this I capture the day to day, and some do turn out lovely - I don’t necessarily think I look great in all, but we look like we love each other and are having fun! It feels like a mad thing to do, but needs must!

Well I think the issue is that you don't have any nice pics, so maybe address this. People won't assume you want them, you have to ask. I don't think you can hold this against your MIL

Total non issue. You're massively overthinking this

Bursting into tears over an innocent photo is very extreme so there must be other things going on that need addressing otherwise it's going to have an impact on your child and your relationship with your family.

Agree with this. If you brought this up with anyone other than a psychologist, I'm afraid you would sound barking bloody mad, and MIL would not think very highly of you. You clearly have some very serious self esteem issues. Please address these OP.

Christ almighty! Maybe she's just a bit hormonal! You might be too tbh with that response. OP had a slightly off kilter response, laughed at herself afterwards. Hysteria is helping nobody.

Agreed.

@Cookiemonster81
MustDust has expressed it well here, I think.
x

A total non-issue really.🤷‍♀️

You sound weird and insecure. And obviously have issues with your MIL.

This⬆️

Your son was probably having a lovely time with the bubbles, and the woman was probably open and friendly- Children can gravitate to open friendly types-nothing wrong with that , and no need to feel jealous of it, that’s just strange.
Ask someone to take a pic of you having fun with your son.

How you feel is just how you feel, so of course its valid. You need to accept it's your issue though. You could mention it would be nice to have photos of yourself, but you can't punish her.

This is more an indication of your low self esteem than anything else. Are you doing anything to help with that? There are some really good workbooks or resources online, and it will make like a lot easier overall for you.

I hear you OP, most people won't get it. I hate the look of myself in photos and it's literal facial features/ bone structure that's the problem, so no amount of make up or weight loss is going to improve anything.

I love photos and would really like to be in them to capture memories but it's just too embarrassing. Actively avoid all social events that I know people will be uploading photos to SM after. Just so depressing.

What I would do especially if you feel your pics with your DC has that forced smile or posed look it to ask DH or MIL to take some pictures of you whe you are just playing with them without you knowing when they are taking them. Often as you say it's those natural ones that look nicest. It may be worth a try. But also don't worry if you don't like the ones that day. There will be other days.

When I look back at photos of me with mine as toddlers I thought I looked terrible at the time and now I wish I looked like that or indeed that I could go back and live that time again with the knowledge that I really didn't look bad at all!

It's good that you recognise this is a fairly extreme reaction. Did you have PND after his birth?

I think it was cruel. Why does she need to take a photo

OH for god's sake. She took the picture because she thought your son looked cute in that moment. Your issues are your issues.

@nobeans

cruel? Why?

I wouldn't find it upsetting but I would find it weird on her part. It's a strange thing to take and then send on - like you say, why would anyone care about a photo with a stranger, unless the kid was doing something particularly cute or funny I guess.

I guarantee you, you're your son's best friend. He may not know it or be able to communicate it but you'll be rock of his universe. You're a good mum. You love him. He loves you.

It's your insecurities OP. Don't read malice here - how can sending you a nice photo of your child be malicious? It was an unusual fun moment with a friendly stranger, and the only reason this woman was in it was because of what your son did. No one would think he is happy because she's a better mother than you or whatever!

I am in the minority that think you should trust your gut. It is a strange thing for mil to do.

I’m surprised that so many people have voted that yabu.

Your feelings are completely valid, and I would also be irked by this. Maybe you could say, “this is a lovely picture! I’d love one like this of me and X!”

Also, remember that you are your little one’s number one. 💐