Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL took a photo of my child with a stranger

113 replies

Cookiemonster81 · 07/06/2024 12:34

We were out with my in-laws last weekend. Stopped for some food in a small grassy area and as we were finishing up another family came and sat by us. The mother gave her children some little bubble machines to play with and my toddler got very excited so started playing with the children (with the families consent). At one point my DS went and just sat on the lap of the mother - I think she had her phone in her hand and he hasn't grasped that you can't just look at everyone's phones yet.
She was really lovely about it and entertained him for a minute, before I decided that as we had finished we would leave because I didn't want my child disturbing this family for ages.

Then later that night I get a couple of photos sent over from my MIL of my son sitting on this woman's lap. It might sound silly but I instantly burst into tears because my self esteem is at an all time low and I don't have a single photo of me and my child that I like, yet here he looked so happy with this total stranger, it was a nice picture. If it was me and my child I would have been really happy. MIL has never sent a photo of me playing with my son.

A week on and I still feel gutted. It's really got me down. I don't know if she did it on purpose, I doubt it really, but why the fuck would you take a photo of a total stranger that we spent about 5 minutes with and further, why the fuck do you think I'd want it. What are you expecting me to do with that photo. I was there, stood chatting with the woman, I saw it.

AIBU to be so bothered by this, given that MIL knows how I feel about things at the moment or do I just need to stop sulking and forget it.

OP posts:
Rolomania · 07/06/2024 13:21

Cookiemonster81 · 07/06/2024 13:11

Thanks to the posters who have understood my upset, or even not understood it but been kind anyway.

Just to clarify for those that did not understand, I was not upset that my child sat with the stranger. She was a nice woman and he was having a great time. My upset was seeing that cemented in a photograph which I would have longed to have seen of myself with him.

It's not that photos don't exist with and him, I just hate them all. I feel I look hideous in them all. If I'm having a day where I feel good about myself I'll ask my husband to take a picture, but then I hate it - probably because I'm doing the whole forced smile for the camera, rather than the natural candid photos I have with him as like lots of people said, Mums often the ones taking the off the cuff pictures.

What's funny is that when I opened the picture initially I thought, oh I look nice here - it's taken from side angle so you can't really see the womans face full on. It took a second to realise I don't own that outfit, and am not as slim and oh, that's not me.

I know it’s easier said than done but one day you will wish you had more photos with your child. You may feel you look bad and I know low self esteem is so hard but your child loves you.

Life is too short, take the photo of you and your child. Let others take photos of you with your child.

Tell your loved ones you want more effort with them taking photos of you and your child. I had to do this, my whole photo album was of my DC with his grandparents, aunts uncles his dad, literally no one took photos of me with him. So I told them to step up

DanielGault · 07/06/2024 13:21

When you have a new baby you can't often take photos of the two of you together (unless you're a selfie expert) so make sure you get others to take some. And take the focus off your appearance. You probably look great. (Dare I say 'glowing') You might look a bit different, but very few people go through Pg and childbirth and spring back into the way they were before. I have some objectively shit pics of me and the Babs but I look amazing because I'm just entirely delighted with her!

blablasmthsmth · 07/06/2024 13:24

"I don't know if she did it on purpose, I doubt it really, but why the fuck would you take a photo of a total stranger that we spent about 5 minutes with and further, why the fuck do you think I'd want it. What are you expecting me to do with that photo. I was there, stood chatting with the woman, I saw it."

Jesus, poor MIL. Maybe I'm just more sentimental or something but I would've liked it. You could look back a few years down the line and laughed at the time DS plonked himself on that random woman's lap.
I'm sorry you're feeling low right now, it's not nice when you have low self esteem. But I think you're being really harsh on your MIL.

Cliedi · 07/06/2024 13:25

If you’ve explained to your husband how much it means to you to have lovely natural candid photos of you and your son and he still doesn’t take them even when nudged then he is a pig. If you haven’t then please do so.

Blondiebeachbabe · 07/06/2024 13:26

I am a MIL, and posts like this really baffle me. I send jokes and memes to our family chat, without a second thought, and I'd be upset to think that anyone was analysing them looking for an evil angle. Most people, most women are nice people. I don't get this hatred for MIL's? I've had two myself, both very nice ladies.

PurpleChrayn · 07/06/2024 13:27

JustWannaBeWorthIt · 07/06/2024 12:36

Umm this is the nonnest of non issues.

Your issues of self esteem don't get to dictate other peoples actions. Many many people would like to be sent a photo of their child enjoying themselves.

This.

My feelings as a mother take a backseat when it comes to my children's happiness.

I grew up with a mother who always prioritised herself and her own (irrational) emotions and it was very damaging.

WetBandits · 07/06/2024 13:29

So the problem is that you don’t like how you look in any of the photos you have of you and your DS, so you don’t want to see any photos of someone you think looks ‘better’ than you? This is your issue, not your MIL’s.

PrincessofWells · 07/06/2024 13:32

Poor MiL. They can't do anything right. What a nice thing to do and op turns it into such a negative thing.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 07/06/2024 13:33

He wasn’t happy to be sat with someone else, he was happy because he could see a shiny, interesting thing (the phone!).

I got to a point where I realised there were hardly any photos of me and DD- so we took a few and I asked DM and DH to take a few now and then. I’m not into photos really, we don’t have many around the house. I just printed them and boxed them up. The memories are all in my head.

DanielGault · 07/06/2024 13:35

Jesus lads - this is Mumsnet. A new mum is feeling a bit wobbly and not 100% rational. Give her a break.

PrincessofWells · 07/06/2024 13:40

DanielGault · 07/06/2024 13:35

Jesus lads - this is Mumsnet. A new mum is feeling a bit wobbly and not 100% rational. Give her a break.

Just maybe some of us are sick to death of the misogyny on here regarding mother in laws. And here's yet another post with the same old . . .

DanielGault · 07/06/2024 13:43

PrincessofWells · 07/06/2024 13:40

Just maybe some of us are sick to death of the misogyny on here regarding mother in laws. And here's yet another post with the same old . . .

Show quote history

Be that as it may, but it still pretty shit to kick someone when they're down.

Itllfalloff · 07/06/2024 13:44

You need to talk to someone about your anxiety…

BodyKeepingScore · 07/06/2024 13:45

I expect she thought it was a nice photo of her grandchild and didn't give any thought to whatever neuroses you have going on privately. I think you're totally overreacting

EnterFunnyNameHere · 07/06/2024 13:49

Cookiemonster81 · 07/06/2024 13:11

Thanks to the posters who have understood my upset, or even not understood it but been kind anyway.

Just to clarify for those that did not understand, I was not upset that my child sat with the stranger. She was a nice woman and he was having a great time. My upset was seeing that cemented in a photograph which I would have longed to have seen of myself with him.

It's not that photos don't exist with and him, I just hate them all. I feel I look hideous in them all. If I'm having a day where I feel good about myself I'll ask my husband to take a picture, but then I hate it - probably because I'm doing the whole forced smile for the camera, rather than the natural candid photos I have with him as like lots of people said, Mums often the ones taking the off the cuff pictures.

What's funny is that when I opened the picture initially I thought, oh I look nice here - it's taken from side angle so you can't really see the womans face full on. It took a second to realise I don't own that outfit, and am not as slim and oh, that's not me.

I think this is understandable OP. Is it worth asking your DH (and maybe MIL/other family) to try to take some more candid photos of you by habit? Lots of people just, well, don't. They aren't photo people so it doesn't happen, but that doesn't mean they can learn.

Also - give yourself a break! I'm sure there's nothing wrong with the photos of you, you've just got a bit down on yourself

Luxell934 · 07/06/2024 13:51

Cookiemonster81 · 07/06/2024 13:11

Thanks to the posters who have understood my upset, or even not understood it but been kind anyway.

Just to clarify for those that did not understand, I was not upset that my child sat with the stranger. She was a nice woman and he was having a great time. My upset was seeing that cemented in a photograph which I would have longed to have seen of myself with him.

It's not that photos don't exist with and him, I just hate them all. I feel I look hideous in them all. If I'm having a day where I feel good about myself I'll ask my husband to take a picture, but then I hate it - probably because I'm doing the whole forced smile for the camera, rather than the natural candid photos I have with him as like lots of people said, Mums often the ones taking the off the cuff pictures.

What's funny is that when I opened the picture initially I thought, oh I look nice here - it's taken from side angle so you can't really see the womans face full on. It took a second to realise I don't own that outfit, and am not as slim and oh, that's not me.

So your issue is actually YOUR self esteem. I think you’ve been really unfair to your mother in law and it’s a shame.

PrincessofWells · 07/06/2024 13:51

DanielGault · 07/06/2024 13:43

Be that as it may, but it still pretty shit to kick someone when they're down.

Show quote history

Or maybe Op needs to be told she is being totally unreasonable and blaming her mother in law for what are her own problems. And to step back and look at what effect her behaviour might be having on her mother in law and ultimately other family relationships.

StormingNorman · 07/06/2024 13:53

Your MIL sent you a nice photo of your son. Of course she would think you’d like that.

If you are jealous because you don’t have any nice photos of you and DS, then be proactive and say you to your DH or MIL that you’d like to get some and ask if they can take a few next time you are together.

This is a you problem, not a MIL problem.

DanielGault · 07/06/2024 13:55

PrincessofWells · 07/06/2024 13:51

Or maybe Op needs to be told she is being totally unreasonable and blaming her mother in law for what are her own problems. And to step back and look at what effect her behaviour might be having on her mother in law and ultimately other family relationships.

Show quote history

NEWSFLASH. You can say it in a nice way. Cop on.

CurlewKate · 07/06/2024 14:41

Tell her it made you realise that you don't have many pictures of the two of you together and please can she take some?

Luxell934 · 07/06/2024 14:45

CurlewKate · 07/06/2024 14:41

Tell her it made you realise that you don't have many pictures of the two of you together and please can she take some?

She admits she does have pictures of them together. The issue is she doesn’t like how she looks in these photos. How that’s her mother in laws fault is anyone guess.

Bobbotgegrinch · 07/06/2024 15:01

It's not that photos don't exist with and him, I just hate them all. I feel I look hideous in them all. If I'm having a day where I feel good about myself I'll ask my husband to take a picture, but then I hate it

This is your problem @Cookiemonster81

Does everyone know that you hate photos of yourself?

I stopped showing DP photos of her and DD, and I started taking less of them, because every time I did, the response from DP would be "Oh, I look dreadful"

DD is 16 now, and a year or so ago DP expressed regret that she had so few photos of her with DD when DD was little, but that she'd taken loads of DD with me, with grandparents, with Aunties and Uncles and friends.

So I showed her the separate folder on the computer where I kept all the ones I'd taken of them together.

Her first response was "Why have you kept these hidden from me?" Her second - "Oh, I look dreadful in all of these".

She doesn't look dreadful in any of them, she just has issues around her looks, and so hides from photos or complains about them, and so people stop taking them of her.

JustWannaBeWorthIt · 07/06/2024 15:06

lionobserving · 07/06/2024 13:13

@JustWannaBeWorthIt
"If I sent someone a nice photo and they came back to take me task about it because 'their feelings are valid' they'd get told to fuck right off tbh."

Did I say go back and take her to task, or did I say ask her if she'd mind taking some photos of OP in future?

I'd suggest you take a minute to actually listen or read as a first step in future, and maybe "fuck off" would trip out of your foul mouth less frequently.

Jeezo calm doon woman.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 07/06/2024 15:08

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 07/06/2024 12:37

It’s just a memento of a nice day out, with someone being kind to your child, nothing more, nothing less.

Exactly, no drama!!!

I recall this nice man offering to take a few pics of our family in the USA years ago - he was with his OH - as he took so many, we said join in and then we took a few of the couple, ie on their own cam - many nice ppl around

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 07/06/2024 15:15

Reframe your thoughts about this. Feelings come from thoughts, and no, not all thoughts are valid, ergo not all feelings are either. Are your thoughts correct or an assumption of ill intent? Is it more likely she took a nice picture of your son and thought you would like it, regardless of who else is in the picture, or that she was out to get you? I suspect the former, particularly given what you say about your self esteem.

How about saying to her that it was a lovely picture of him and would she mind taking some similar shots when you aren't expecting it. Let her know you don't want posed, awkward smiling pictures. Sure, some might look shit, but most people tend to be their own worst critic, notice every wrinkle or grey hair, when all their child sees is their mummy. If she (or others) do it often enough, you will get used to it, and get more relaxed about phones/cameras being out, and the ratio of good:poor will get better.