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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to give lone parents a

110 replies

ALMummy · 07/04/2008 09:10

medal.

Have had food poisoning for the past two days during which time I was unable to get up off the bathroom floor for four hours let alone take care of my DC. DH sorted them out and then got his Mum over for the rest of the time.

When I started feeling better it made me realise how bloody hard it must be for lone parents without much support of which I know there are a fair few on MNet. I was incapable (I felt) of looking after my kids but loads dont have any choice do they? and just have to get on with it. Just made me realise how much more you have to deal with as a lone parent.

OP posts:
MadameCh0let · 07/04/2008 14:50

Youcannotbeserious, please can you start a different thread to slag off this woman.

Whatever her personality traits are, I don't want to see them being linked to being a single mother.

It can be quite hard holding your head up high as a single mother, especially in the face of so many existing prejudices.

skyatnight · 07/04/2008 14:55

Sorry if it sounded like I was telling people off, AboutEve. Don't mind me. Please continue to post if you think it could be an interesting and useful discussion.

I just get frustrated and I think I am a bit sensitive, bit of a chip on my shoulder. This thread does refer to lone parents directly but I don't think it invites a general debate. I also find it amazing how many threads on quite broad and diverse economic and political topics degenerate into criticism of single parents as if we are at the root of the 'disintegration of society.' It is scary how much prejudice there is out there. Or am I just paranoid?

As for discussion about individual personal circumstances, I think it is better posted in the 'lone parent' and/or 'step-parenting' topics. It is not possible to extrapolate from an individual's circumstances and present them as indicative of the experience of the majority and yet that is what some posts seem to want to imply.

I'm getting all pompous now so it's best to stop. As I said, I really don't want to debate this subject. Single/Lone parents, and you are one so you know, are just normal people with a whole variety of circumstances.

MadameCh0let · 07/04/2008 15:01

Sleepycat, I found it so much harder getting up at 3 am and mopping up sick and changing every nappy and fixing every snack, knowing that there was somebody there who could help but wouldn't. I tried to change him, but it didn't work. So that was no practical help. I got no emotional support either. I was just accused of moaning. I didn't get much financial supprt either. A pitifully small amount of money was put into my account every month, and even though we lived in a nice house, I was always a little ashamed of how little money I had. I had to make excuses sometimes. It was awkward. But he was a bully and a control-freak and he was mean and chauvanistic. So I picked a wrongun.

I know it's different for everyone, and yeah I DO wish I had the security and the companionship of a happy marriage, but on the whole, I definitely find life easier now. I live with my parents thogh, and that wouldn't be every girl's dream, especially at my advanced age, but it is better for the children. The benefits aren't great but we have enough. I dread when the children get older and need maybe braces or whatever. Because their father will never give them a red cent. He knows that I will (like when I was with him) make whatever sacrafices I can to give them a good life. Any penny he gives them would only make my life easier, so he will never do that.

MadameCh0let · 07/04/2008 15:06

Skyatnight, I thought your posst was excellent. If I made a post such as, now, I know not all married women are smug bitches, but yadda yadda yadda, I would be BLASTED. Quite rightly. It shouldn't be acceptable to make some sort of token 'sorry the ones who don't conform to this stereotype but bitch bitch bitch about single mothers. It's upsetting. I haven't got ten cents to rub together and yet I want to bring my children up to feel proud of 'our family' and of course proud of whatever they achieve personally.

Bithcing about ONE woman and somehow linking it to single mothers isn't acceptable.

Youcannotbeserious · 07/04/2008 15:10

MadameC - I didn't mean to offend....

Skyatnight is right - there are good mums and good dads and good single parents and good marriages and then there are bad ones.

it does, of course, upset me when I hear about your ex because there are equal prejudices about 'weekend dads' as there are about 'single mums'

In an ironic way, our situations are similar - your Ex gets away with giving you an unreasonable amount of money because he knows you'll step up to the plate and my DH's Ex gets away with spending unreasonable amounts of money on herself because she knows that my DH will step up and get the kids whatever they need (even if he has already in effect paid for it through CS etc)

As I say, I didn't mean to do anything other than point out that one reason these prejudices exist is because of ex's like yours and my DH!

(sorry, by the way!)

OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 15:13

Here's one for you Kew!

And one for MadameCh0let, and one for janos

Who's next? I have plety to go round!

skyatnight · 07/04/2008 15:15

Exactly, MadameCholet.
I think the OP was being nice, not patronising, so I responded as such but I was dismayed to see someone jumping in with a tale about their personal circumstances to suggest that we should not 'feel sorry' for lone parents because the one she knows is a cow. What a load of rubbish.

Having been guilty of it myself, still am, I also don't think it is useful for single parents to keep defending themselves as though we are some new weird sub-sector of society. There have always been single parents (way before there was a welfare state and tax credits and benefits to 'scrounge') and there always will be, as circumstances dictate.

The subject of single-parenthood/-dom should not automatically be fodder for general, knee-jerk rants about the ills of society.

OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 15:17

Oh and I'm proud to be a single mum and if there is prejudice out there against people in my situation I for one don't notice it!

skyatnight · 07/04/2008 15:18

You're alright, YCBS. As you say, we are all in, perhaps not the same, but similar boats. I wish more people would realise that.

OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 15:19

Go on, you know you want some!

nappyaddict · 07/04/2008 15:20

aww thanks i will wear my medal with pride.

Remotew · 07/04/2008 15:22

They have to blame someone for all of societies ills and yes I agree I'm afraid its always often us, all lumped together. The best way to deal with it is to do a superb job of it, just like any good parent wants to really.

The OP was offering medals so I think I will accept a choccy one too .

OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 15:25

Excellent!

MadameCh0let · 07/04/2008 15:36

Skyatnight, I know what you mean, and I don't want to compound my 'victim status' by defending myself anymore, so I will just shut up now. [GRIN]

THANK YOU FOR CHOCOLATE MEDAL!!

NYC6723 · 07/04/2008 15:43

It is unbelievable hard and the best thing you could do is give a single mom (or dad) a break. If you are friends with a single parent... offer to take their dc for an afternoon or an evening. You have no idea how much that one act will mean to them

skyatnight · 07/04/2008 15:54

Yes NYC, sometimes it would be nice to have a break.

Thankyou for the chocolate medal. I will wear (eat) it with pride. Yum.

43Today · 07/04/2008 16:01

God yes, single mumdom and tummy upsets - what a nightmare..

Worst time I had was on camping hol in spain last summer. Me and the kids for a week. DS got a tummy upset day 5, poo and sick everywhere (tent 300m at least from toilet block..)

Then the night before we're due to leave (driving back through France) I come down with it at 2am, spend the next 6 hours sprinting to and fro to toilets, I even passed out on loo floor for a short time!

Come the morning, check out time 11am and a 6 hour drive to overnight stop in France - the campsite wouldn't allow me to stay an extra night cos they had a policy of 2-night minimum stays..

Bastards!!! in the end had to phone XH in UK who got on the internet and found us a hotel 5 mins drive from site, booked and paid for it. Lousy husband, fantastic dad and ex..

skyatnight · 07/04/2008 16:09

43today? (Is it your birthday or is that your usual moniker?)

Camping/diarrhoea - bad combo.
Nice XH though.

Maybe this camping story will be one to tell your ds's first girlfriend when she comes to tea?

Janos · 07/04/2008 18:24

Oooh thank you

Wait..it was for eating, right? Much appreciated anyway

LittleBella · 07/04/2008 18:44

Great posts Skyatnight

And thanks for the medal ALMummy!

Every year that goes by, I feel prouder and prouder of myself for achieving happy children and insight about myself and why I was so psychologically damaged, that I was involved with their father in the first place. No fucker's going to tell me that my children would have been better off if I'd stayed in an unhappy dysfunctional relationship, I know that I did the best thing for them (as well as for myself) by ending it. It has been an incredibly painstaking, gradual process and it will continue as long as their childhood and I'm doing bloody well at it frankly. Much better than I would have done if I'd stayed with their father. And I don't give a shit that that sentiment would give the Daily Mail the vapours.

chikenmother · 07/04/2008 18:57

youcannotbeserious, you´re an exception. Being a lone parent is a really hard job, and most of the Ex do not help anything (its luky when they don´t destroy your peace...). Being a lone parent and having to deal with the new partner of your Ex is even worse...So don´t regret yourself. Perhaps the excessive payments you husband makes to the children are related to some kind of guilt of having abandonned them before...

LBA · 07/04/2008 19:20

I was just about to say what a lovely thread. It made me feel all warm inside for a fleeting moment. Thanks YCBS for stamping on that.

NotDoingTheHousework · 07/04/2008 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Paddlechick666 · 07/04/2008 19:59

ooh hello, can i claim a chocolate medal too please?

no doubt about it, bringing up kids is hard work whatever your circumstances.

how do you cope as a single parent? you just do and some days you do it better than others. much the same as all the other parents out there.

there are lots of pros to be a single parent but i'm too knackered to list them properly.

not too knackered to eat a choc medal tho if there still being handed out.

LBA · 07/04/2008 20:00

oh and gracefully accepts chocolate medal of course!