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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to give lone parents a

110 replies

ALMummy · 07/04/2008 09:10

medal.

Have had food poisoning for the past two days during which time I was unable to get up off the bathroom floor for four hours let alone take care of my DC. DH sorted them out and then got his Mum over for the rest of the time.

When I started feeling better it made me realise how bloody hard it must be for lone parents without much support of which I know there are a fair few on MNet. I was incapable (I felt) of looking after my kids but loads dont have any choice do they? and just have to get on with it. Just made me realise how much more you have to deal with as a lone parent.

OP posts:
Remotew · 07/04/2008 12:55

Maintenance paid by an ex is not taken into account for WTC etc so if a parent works just 16 hours they can claim a nice top up as well as the maintenance, which is nice for some.

OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 12:58

Youcannotbeserious I'm glad to hear your DH is paying for his children and supporting them as he should do! They are expensive aren't they.

I'm glad I'm a lone parent, I may have to deal with everytinhg on my own and it may be tough at times but at least I'm not stuck in a shitty relationship .

Don't be sad for me or my DS rebelmum, I love my life and wouldn't have it any other way.

I will accept that medal though Almummy! Thank you!

Kewcumber · 07/04/2008 12:59

I think its harder if you are used to being a two paretn family and then become a lone parent with a not very involved partner. I've always been lone and being sick is hard - the rest of the time its just, well, normal.

I think a "lone" parent is one who does not have regular frequent support from a partner regardless of whether they live together or not. Just becasue you don;t live with your partner doesn;t necessary (IMVHO) make you a "lone" paretn.

Remotew · 07/04/2008 13:00

Should have added. Rebelmum1, that's great and if I had a better relationship with my DD's dad and wife I would help out with their kids too. Afterall they are my DD's brothers and sisters, saying that there are 3 little ones , perhaps the odd hour or so.

Kewcumber · 07/04/2008 13:00

Do I still qualify for a medal if I chose to be a lone parent (or do I just get a cuff across the back of the head)

Youcannotbeserious · 07/04/2008 13:01

Oh, very nice.... But not really fair, is it?

DH's Ex even signed the kids up for free school meals at their old (state) school because 'she couldn't afford them, as a unemployed single mum'....

Yet, her maintenence and child support payments were far more than the national average wage AND she had no overheads (mortgage etc)

CrackerOfNuts · 07/04/2008 13:04

Being ill as a LP is awful, and not something i'd like to go through very often.

I started being sick at lunchtime, last xmas eve and within 30 min I could not get up off the floor. Luckily for me, my mum was off work, and she came round, put me to bed and took over everything for the next few days, xmas dinner, wrapping the last of the kids pressies etc.

I don't know what i'd have done without her tbh.

Youcannotbeserious · 07/04/2008 13:06

Overmydeadbody

No, kids aren't all that expensive... it's his ex who's so damned expensive!!!

OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 13:08

Actually it is fair really, presumably your DH isn't paying more than he can afford or thanthe CSA have worked out, and they are his kids so why shouldn't he give them a better quality of life (regardless of the Ex's financial situation, if she was financially secure in her won right would you still feel bitter?)

Kew the way I see it I chose to become a lone parent too, not in the same way as you did, but because I chose to leave my ex and go it alone.

OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 13:10

Oops, x posted.

I guess some people are just selfish and try to get as much as they can, don't let that give you a bad impression of lone parents though, we're not all like that

Youcannotbeserious · 07/04/2008 13:12

OMDB,

hahahahahahahahahaha!! ROFLOFAS

the CSA couldn't possible understand the needs of DH's EX!!!! You have no idea.

As I've said before, I have no problems with the kids money. Not a bit.

Youcannotbeserious · 07/04/2008 13:14

OMDB - Sorry, I also x-posted!

yes, it is selfish, and for what? so she gets an extra £50??? believe me, to her, it's nothing - but to someone who needs it, it can make a real difference.

And, yes, DH is a GREAT father .. I'm really pleased that, even though we don't have so much £££, he's the father of my baby....

DirtySexyMummy · 07/04/2008 13:21

YCBS - If you are paying your DH ex thousands a month and she is claiming free school meals, then there is something amiss. She does not need free school meals.

If you cannot afford a nursery, whilst paying away thousands a month, then you need to contact the CSA. You must be paying too much. get it sorted out.

skyatnight · 07/04/2008 13:32

Oh purleeze don't subvert ALMummy's thread and turn this into a debate about single parents, AGAIN! I'm sure that was not her intention for this thread.

Let me try and short circuit this and say it for you:
There are 'good' single parents and 'bad' single parents. There are 'good' fathers and 'bad' fathers. There are 'good' mothers and 'bad' mothers. Some single mothers milk their ex-husbands for all the cash they can get to spend on themselves and neglect their children. Some single parent mothers are heroines. Some fathers are worse than useless and never see their kids and never pay maintenance. Some fathers are brilliant and the mother doesn't have to feel like she is parenting alone at all. There is nothing wrong with choosing to have a child on your own provided you look after it properly. Some single parents have loads of backup and support from grandparents, friends and neighbours. Some two parent families get no support from grandparents, friends and neighbours. Some single parents are rich and can afford paid help. Many are not rich. Some two parent families are on a very low income and cannot afford paid help. Etc. Etc.. I am sure I have left some things out but you get the jist.

The main thing is: Purleeze do not GENERALISE about single/lone parents because we are not all the same. We are not all saints and we are not all villains. Most of us are average.

But, if you have no support or backup from extended family or friends, being ill and looking after a child or children on your own IS not nice. We don't deserve a medal but it is nice if someone thinks about it sometime and thinks 'there but for the grace...' instead of judging and deciding that anyone on their own bringing up children must have something wrong with them or must have deserved to be left by the father or is a scrounger who bred children irresponsibly in order to be supported by the state or....

ok?

No. I know I am wasting my breath. People have such fixed ideas on this subject and the people who are the most bigotted about it are those who are either step-parents or single parents themselves in shitty situations. No-one ever becomes convinced of, or converted to, the other party's point of view as a result of these threads. No-one ever seems to have their horizons broadened because the enlightened don't bother to post. I am fed up of justifying myself as a single parent and trying to dispell the myths and prejudices. Just rant away, get it off your chest...

Sorry ALMummy and others. I know you were just trying to be nice.

OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 13:48

now take a deep breath and breathe skyatnight!

skyatnight · 07/04/2008 13:59

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggggggggchzh.

(I must cut back on my Pro-Plus habit.)

Janos · 07/04/2008 14:14

Yay skyatnight well put!

I wouldn't mind a medal though, if they are being handed out .

Remotew · 07/04/2008 14:32

Skyatnight, of course we all know that what you have said is correct, situations vary enormously.

Please dont presume that just because someone posts on this thread and gets into a bit of banter that they are not "enlightened" and deserve a good telling off. Thanks.

sleepycat · 07/04/2008 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameCh0let · 07/04/2008 14:41

I will step up to accept a medal!!

Is it made of chocolate??

Seriously though, it can be a lot easier to be a single mother than it is to be in a relationship where you don't get enough help.

Some money worries, especially about that future. But that's a problem I'll deal with 'later'.

Kewcumber · 07/04/2008 14:41

yes, yes but do OverMyDeadBody and I qualify for the medal being instigators of our own fate?

MadameCh0let · 07/04/2008 14:42

Just read some of these messages.

Wow.

I would just like to say that my ex gives me £1 a month. Yes, that's right. Some kind of ongoing insult I can only assume.

The VAST majority of single mothers struggle financially.

sleepycat · 07/04/2008 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janos · 07/04/2008 14:46

I get nothing from mine officially, but he does pay half the nursery fees, I don't get anything because if I did that would mean that he doesn't look after DS properly?

Mind you, that's still a lot more than many mums on here get.

justwaterformethanks · 07/04/2008 14:47

have to say though the best bit of being a lone parent ( im not anymore) is not having to cope with a sick DP/DH ,completely chauvanistic and a sweeping generalisation but hey ho !!