To speak to other kids parents about them upsetting DS?

[Yesterdayyesterday]

DS(9) is upset tonight. He said when he went to sit down at lunch today, three boys immediately got up and went to sit at the other side of the hall. He said it has happened multiple times recently.

I'm so upset for him. It's not the first time recently that he has mentioned having social issues at school. He plays football at break/lunch times but from what he said otherwise no one wants to play with him. He even said that one of the Year 3 boys asked him why everyone hates him the other day.

For the record, I think DS could have autism. He has always had obsessions/special interests and I imagine the other kids get fed up him talking about one thing all the time.

I'm going to talk to his teacher tomorrow but wondering whether I should speak to the other kids parents too? I do know two of them quite well.

And what would you do if they inform you their children don't like your son and their children want yours to stop bothering them?

Leave it with the school.

Defo speak to the parents of the any of the boys who walked away from the table if you have a relationship with them. But raising with the school is more important, although it's poor they haven't picked up and acted on this already.

Nope. Speak to school about it and let them handle it.
Never EVER raise with parents (unless we're talking criminal charges territory)

Really not a good idea.

Go through school.

What will you say if one of the parents says your kid has been hitting/bullying their kid? School will get all sides and sort it out.

Hmm this is a tricky one OP. If you know the parents well enough to have a chat something along the lines of ... 'DS is really struggling at the moment with friendships. I don't know what to do to help him - he was upset yesterday. I don't suppose your DS has said anything at all. Any ideas what I can do?'
I wouldn't go in all guns blazing and accuse them of anything unkind - you could make much bigger problems for him and yourself. Are you sure your DS is accurate in his description of what he feels happened? I would have a chat with the teacher for sure just to say he's been a bit upset lately about friendships and just see what they say.

School issues must ime be left to school to deal with.

Dm's getting involved never ends well.

If the boys were finding your ds annoying then they would be told to just walk away don't get into a row don't upset him.

I agree approach the school but be aware they may simply be following the advice given to children about avoiding conflict or escalation etc.

This the age where there can be substantial changes in friendship groups and sadly the gaps between them grow overnight.

Has your school any social supports at lunch? I don't think approaching the parents for what happend at school is fair.

Leave it to school.

DC's school takes a 50/50 view on physical altercations but there is a common denominator in DS's year (not DS) and my advice (after I've been called into the school re fighting) is for DS to "stay away from him". Not saying that's what is happening here but it may be. School most likely to have the full picture. Other parents only know what they hear from their own DC.

Well even if that is the case, he was hardly annoying them at that point, he had only just sat down! I would think the first piece of advice if he did annoy them by talking too much should be to ask politely to please talk about something else.

You don't get to dictate how children manage their spaces.

It is not on them to pacify him. They are children as well.

If the relationship between them has broken down so much then yes they can just move away. It's best he is told to leave them alone.

@Yesterdayyesterday

OP it's a tricky one. Children need to be taught inclusive but also to have their boundaries.

Speak to the school, they may offer some insight.

@Yesterdayyesterday they may have raised th issue several times to the teacher and may have been advised to not engage be polite etc. but being 9 they don't necessarily get the full context.

I have been the other side of it with my youngest where he didn't want to continue a friendship and not hurt the boys feelings.

The school did help him with some tactics but it has been very difficult for him also, so I appreciate I may hold a bias.

No, talk to the school.

??? He's not fallen out with them. I don't know why they moved away, I'm just guessing that it might be because they anticipate that he wants to talk about his special interest.

And has that come from your son?

That's enough. What you've said is enough for 9 year olds to decide to walk away.

Have you taught him toblimit how much he talks about those topics?

I highly doubt it because if there has been issues raised I would assume the teacher would have discussed it with me.

No not always.
If teachers spoke to every parent over every slight social issue then no teaching would be done.
They would attempt to manage it themselves first.

Has what come from my son?

Go through school, not the parents.

Not necessarily. My DC schools try to manage friendship issues within school.

OP, I feel for you, it's so hard to remain detached to friendship issues but please just raise direct with the school. If I got involved in DDs friendship issues I wouldn't be able to manage my own life - drama after drama. However, my advice to DD is to walk away and find other people to play with if someone has upset her - has your DS unwittingly upset them?

That there's been no fall out.
You are getting one side. Clearly these boys have something on their minds.

Has it come from your son that they haven't fallen out?

If your son doesn't realise that he can get on people's nerves when he talks about his interests, he won't necessarily have picked up on other boys displaying any subtle signs of frustration with him, will he?

The most accurate source of information on how the other boys have felt about past interactions is the other boys, not your lad.

No I don't think he's upset anyone in terms of having an argument or fight. One of the boys was at football training this evening so they were interacting there in terms of kicking the ball around.

I understand but I feel like what I'm dealing with here is not a NT child, so I worry beyond what might be normal levels of friendship issues, and worry whether he will ever have friends in the long run. It's hard not to worry TBH.