I'm so exhausted from working full time and having young kids

[Feelinglikeamoan]

I'm in my 40s, I work full time, I have a preschooler and a primary school aged child. I'm fucking exhausted.

I've always worked full time, we could never afford to reduce hours. I'm burnt out. A normal night's sleep is 6.5 hours during the week. There are simply not enough hours in the day to get more sleep.

Also, I work in a really stressful health care role which adds to my exhaustion.

What makes it worse is that I'm the only one out of my friends in this situation. All of my friends with kids have either one parent working part time, or not working at all. Many of them have grandparents nearby providing significant support with childcare giving them time to rest.

I just wanted to moan. I feel like I don't get to enjoy life much as I'm so busy and exhausted. I've felt really upset by reading a few threads recently about people retiring in their 50s. It made me feel sad that I'm already so exhausted in my 40s, and I won't be able to retire until I'm around 67.

My biggest sadness is not being able to spend as much time as I'd like with my children. I wish I could work less and see them more. I feel like I'm letting them down by not having enough time for them.

@Truetoself some people come from families with physical illness, mental illness or abuse. Physical distance isn’t the only problem. You can’t assume that every child has 50/60yo grandparents who are supportive and able to support.

This is also true. We had our DS late in life (late 30s) and he was never "looked after" by any grandparents ever. OH's father was long dead and his mother was too old and infirm. My father had three long hospital stays and my mother was too busy traipsing to and from the hospital (in a different city, so daily train journeys) so again not able to help out nor baby sit, etc. By the time DS was 10, he only had one grandparent left, my mother, and dementia was setting it, so even when her hospital duties were over, she wasn't capable of looking after DS. So basically, all childcare, baby sitting, etc was done by myself and OH, no respite at all, not even for an evening out.

OP I empathise. Some excellent suggestions on this thread. I think you need short term goals/wins and then a long term goal/change. If that means moving somewhere cheaper or completely rethinking your life then I think it’s worth doing. Your health and happiness is important. I hope it gets bette for you

Yes.
I'm sorry too, probably would burn out as well.
This is not gonna go down well, but since my significantly hard childhood I planned
how to make it to have a comfortable life.
Was lucky.
Child free, no outside work for me needed,
45 yo.
Still, not a fairytale.

Slow cooker. Bang it all in on the morning, done by the time you're home. Your DH can keep a eye on it if he's Working from home.

Hmmm def sounds like this is an area that can be improved / streamlined!

re 3 yr old (I have one too) - can you just give them whatever it is and if they don’t eat it then go to toast / something boring rather than messing with the “I don’t like that now” scenario and then making something else? Have to say I don’t do this and don’t really pander to that kind of thing….

So he's working from about 9am - 6pm plus an hour in the evening, and only a quick lunch. That's pretty full on.

I wfh in a brain intensive job but I lock my computer down every 55 mins for 5 mins (it's an App I can't override). In that 5 mins I can chop some veg, hang some laundry, give the bathroom a wipe, sort a bit of laundry, water the plants, open the post, tidy some things up.

ONE of those things, not all of them! Over the course of a day that's a lot of the grunt work done.

I am so sorry OP. Sounds really hard. I would suggest changing career and looking for a job where you are less stressed and can wfh too? Then maybe moving back to what you’re passionate anvoy when the kids are older? Also, as some have said: slow cooker. We buy frozen diced onion, frozen chopped garlic and frozen chopped ginger from Morrisons. Buy chopped meat or use mince. Saves sooooo much time.

Also get a cleaner if possible. I had to search for ages (gumtree etc) till I found someone affordable who was happy to do 2 hours a fortnight (can’t afford more). It’s not a lot but it helps so so much. I come home that day and the house has had a good going over and we just need to keep on top of it fairly well for the next two weeks.

Totally get it. I'm a widow, no family to help and I have 2 young kids. I work full time, and do everything myself. I get about 6 hours sleep a night. It's relentless

Unfortunately that's life these days. Very hard and not fair. I feel for you.

@MuseKira we have no help at all either, due to parents ill health and to a certain extent their disinterest too. We’ve never had any relative babysit for us at all. Friends who do simple do not get it!!!!! Totally different ball game when you don’t have grandparents doing 1/2 the job for you.

I’m sorry to be really blunt about this OP

but if your DH is self employed and WFH then frankly - his time is his own to manage

getting dinner started or putting a load of laundry on or
doing some washing up etc should just be part of his normal day

he has no commuting time which makes a massive difference to the working day and if he’s also not on lots of conference calls etc then he doesn’t have many distractions at all while the kids are at nursery / school

this is the reality for parents who WFH - eapecially
if you are self employed.

I have worked from home and been self employed/ run my own businesses for the best part of 15 years and the whole time we’ve had DC.

i do the lions share of what’s need doing at home, because I’m at home the majority of the time. My Dh goes out to work.

thats a huge difference and there is no reason that you should be staying up until midnight or beyond when
you have to be up early to get to work when you have a parent working from home every day.

It's exhausting! I'm 40 this year and have a few health issues and a nearly 4 y/old and 2 y/o.

I actually changed jobs so I could wfh and have a better work life balance and it has helped.

I'm lucky that my partner helps with doing most of the child care drop off and pick up and will pitch in with bath times, dinner, cleaning and that.

I feel the mental load is more exhausting than the physical sometimes.

Oh god I could've written this post a few years ago. It's still hard now right enough but not unbearable. When my eldest now aged 7 was a baby I worked full time compressed over 4 days (health care role too). It was exhausting. I also had a fair commute to and from work. Fast forward to now, I have 2 children now (a 7 and 3 Yr old) but we moved to be much closer to work (15 mins drive) plus I got a promotion which has helped and I also took on some private work. So now I work about 30 hours per week which is still a bit tiring but nothing like it was a few years ago. I was constantly coming down with viruses at that point it was awful. Sending hugs xxx

It's definitely a hard slog OP! I'm 43 (and have the joys of peri), single mum, with a 10yr old and a 17yr old. It's a bit easier now the kids are older, but that also comes with its own set of problems and worries. I work FT (always have done), normally over 4 days, sometimes it's 5 days.

Stuff that I do to make my life a bit easier (I can't afford a cleaner)....in short, using gadgets and tech:
I sacrificed a kitchen cupboard to fit in a slimline dishwasher.
Tumble drier is in an outside shed (which has electricity). I don't use it all the time but if I have multiple loads to do, it's brilliant.
I don't iron anything if I can help it (school stuff maybe if needed).
Robovac for upstairs (all wooden floors) that is set to vacuum and mop floors everyday.
Robovac for downstairs that vacuums everyday.
I meal plan and batch cook stuff on my days off: Instant Pot (has a slow cooker and pressure cooker function) and Airfryer are fab. Thermomix is also brilliant (takes away a lot of the mental load of meal prep/planning).
Online shopping for groceries.
Sounds stupid, but I make sure I take a daily multivitamin.

@TicTac80 you're similar age to me with similar aged kids. Do you think you get used to the exhaustion? I've been tired for nearly two decades since I had my first! 😂 Can't remember a time when I felt like I had energy.

I work 4 normal days. When I went part time I did consider 5 days condensed into 4 but I was worried about feeling too exhausted on those longer days. I wonder if that's the crux of it really for you. As I think that extra hour or two you'd gain after work could probably make the difference that you'd be able to get the every day jobs done early in the evening so you have time to relax a bit. I think probably the other cleaning type housework should be able to be done on your weekend and day off. I do keep cooking very basic on the days I work as I don't get back till 5:45 and collect kids at 6pm so we really do cook something quick most nights and do more extravagant things at weekend.

I do feel for you, it is constant being a mum and working. I think also you'll find it easier when your kids are older. Mine are now 9 and 6 and it's so much easier than when they were younger.

I’m a single parent and recently went went part time (3.5 days) as I was just struggling so much. We were out the house from 8-7 most days by the time I’d picked the younger 2 up from afterschool care and taken them to swimming lessons and other activities The house was always a horrible mess and dd1 (13)was on her own in the mornings getting ready for school and then coming home to an empty house every day. She was spending all her time alone in the house and having to take on a lot of responsibilities that she is too young for. The worst part was that dd2 has a chronic health condition and I’m ashamed to say she ended up in hospital as I just wasn’t managing to keep on top of managing it properly.

Working less hours is a massive struggle financially and we have gone from just getting by to worrying about how I will
keep us all fed and warm. But My mum will retire September next year and has said she will start having dc after school 1 day a week so I will go to 4.5 days then.

I feel for you. I'm single and my kids are a bit older, 9 and 6 but like you I need to work. The vast majority of my mum friends work so they can pay for swimming lessons, holidays, Brownie camps etc, and yes they have told me this much. I struggle to relate because if I didn't work I couldn't pay the mortgage! It's a huge pressure financially. I have had to hugely lower my standards. I'm hoping to do a huge declutter this year which will make the house much easier to keep on top of.

If I was in your position I would sacrifice a cupboard for a dishwasher. at the weekends, take in turns with your husband to take the kids out whilst the other does house stuff. So one Saturday you take the kids out and he sorts the house, the following Sunday you do it etc etc. during the week do not stress about everything being done before going to bed. Prioritise your sleep and mental health. I try to get to bed by 11 and it makes a huge difference. Last night I went at 11.45 which was late for me but I desperately needed a shower. The kitchen wasn't clean but the kids had clean uniform ready for the morning, they were fed, their homework was done, they'd been put to bed and I'd sorted everything out for ds2's school trip which was today. Everything that was absolutely essential was done. The rest has to wait for me to sleep.

It’s weird but in my 30’s I was tired due to the kids waking at night (particularly as babies/toddlers). That was bloody awful, but I think because I was younger, I just soldiered on. I remember, sometimes I’d finish work, and we would head off camping for the weekend…then home on Sunday afternoon, and get everything sorted for the new week of school and work. Crazy!

Now, the kids are older but I think for me it’s a different kind of tiredness (peri). I work and then just about have the energy to make sure the house work/mental load is up to scratch! I look back and wonder how the hell I managed to do the weekends away camping. I’m addressing the peri issues though, as (after 5yrs) I’m fed up of feeling like I’m wading through treacle!!!

PS FWIW, my house is small (very small) and bloody cluttered. So I’m trying to declutter as I think that will make things simpler as well!

Being upworldly mobile and not wanting to stay in the same village you grew up in isn’t a bad thing. I look at people who’ve never lived further than 2 streets and wonder why they’re so unambitious personally

@CharlotteBog this is a great point, and something recommended for physical and eye health too. A short break once an hour was recommended in the health and safety training I just did at work. Not healthy to stare at a screen for hours

Yes, I know the same kind of people. But, it's a balance isn't it? You either stay close to home and benefit from the support of family and long term friends but sacrifice your career potential, or you move away for your career and better lifestyle choices, but lose your support network. Very few people can have both - basically only those who were brought up in or very close to the few large cities. Go back a few decades before the centralisation of everything into London and a few other big cities and it wasn't like that. Lots more people could have good careers and lifestyle choices pretty close to their support network. People could get qualifications "on the job" or at more local adult education colleges rather than have to move miles away to go to Uni. My sisters kids have stayed close to home and have ended up in dead end jobs because they didn't go to Uni - it's such a shame that there aren't the same kind of "local" opportunities that there used to be say 30 years ago before all emphasis was placed on going to Uni and ultimately staying in the Uni town or another big city for the decent jobs! We really need to reverse the trend and aim for localism rather than centralisation - now we've the internet it's easier than ever - we just need government and big employers to buy into localism and open up opportunities as an alternative to youngsters having to move to expensive cities for the decent graduate jobs!