I'm so exhausted from working full time and having young kids

[Feelinglikeamoan]

I'm in my 40s, I work full time, I have a preschooler and a primary school aged child. I'm fucking exhausted.

I've always worked full time, we could never afford to reduce hours. I'm burnt out. A normal night's sleep is 6.5 hours during the week. There are simply not enough hours in the day to get more sleep.

Also, I work in a really stressful health care role which adds to my exhaustion.

What makes it worse is that I'm the only one out of my friends in this situation. All of my friends with kids have either one parent working part time, or not working at all. Many of them have grandparents nearby providing significant support with childcare giving them time to rest.

I just wanted to moan. I feel like I don't get to enjoy life much as I'm so busy and exhausted. I've felt really upset by reading a few threads recently about people retiring in their 50s. It made me feel sad that I'm already so exhausted in my 40s, and I won't be able to retire until I'm around 67.

My biggest sadness is not being able to spend as much time as I'd like with my children. I wish I could work less and see them more. I feel like I'm letting them down by not having enough time for them.

OP mine have always needed someone sitting up with them to get them down without emotional agitation that keeps them awake longer anyway. But 4 was when that really turned around so maybe it will for you too.

Its harder when you have children to take care of and need child care ect.
But i will get better.

I was in your position and ended up reducing my hours. Money isn’t as free flowing but we don’t go without and life at home is calmer.

I am now early 50s and having that extra bit of time in the week makes such a difference to everyone in the family.

One of the reasons I went PT was because I was in perimenopause but it wasn’t until 2 years later I could look back and see that. Mine began at about 46, and I wish I’d gone on HRT earlier.

Might be worth considering, OP?

Am I reading this right and that you frequently cook different meals for different people? That will be adding hugely to your evening duties. My kids sound a similar age and the option they get at mealtimes is take it or leave it. It's not always been easy to stick to that line but we have and resisted the temptation to rustle up something else. My eldest is the fussier one and we just keep saying to her that just because something isn't her favourite meal doesn't mean she doesn't like it or cannot eat it. She has got the message (mostly).

No child with a plate of food in front of them ever died of hunger. Mine are fine on days they eat less than we'd prefer in an ideal world. They can have fruit for afters.

I see no benefit to him interrupting his working day for that when he can do it in the evening.

I work flexibly. The days when I'm home, I will prep dinner, run the hoover around, do a couple of loads of laundry etc - yes, means I get no actual breaks that day, but there is a lot less to do in the evening.

And 3yo's are really hard work, it will get easier.

Because you feel guilty about your dc being in nursery you are killing yourself making up for something you don’t need to feel guilty about.

Do dc have hot meal at nursery? Then they can have a sandwich for tea if they decide they don’t like what you are making. Yes you can cook from scratch every night if you are also making your lunch or tea for the next day. Or you can have a go at batch cooking and see how that works. At least batch prep your lunches.

If you have to stay with dc til they fall asleep can you take it in turns and one of you uses that time to relax and the other uses it to tidy up etc so then you’re done for 9.15pm? I’m sure your work is important but if you dropped tomorrow they would find someone else so maybe cut extra to the bare minimum.

I work from home in a technical role - as a bare minimum you can put a wash on/ dry on/ reply to a school message/ pay a club etc etc during the day. Or if dh has leftovers then the time making a simple lunch can be used to do those jobs.

It's really hard working with dcs but we’re all using some form of childcare and we shouldn’t feel guilty about it - your dc are loved and looked after and you are doing an amazing job 😊

I am in this situation OP and a solo parent. Definitely getting easier now as my child is moving into later primary years but I tried to manage this by compressing my hours. I now work 10 days across 9. Is this something you could consider? It does make a difference to have some time to just catch up.

I’m going to say that what really helps me is being organised, multi tasking and being firm about eating and bedtime.
When we do all three I feel on top of the world, other times when we don’t I feel like I’m going insane and I don’t have the work hours you do (I work full time out 7:45-5:00 three days, home in time to pick them up two days with work at home before they go to multiple clubs but I have it a lot easier).

I make big portions one morning before I leave the house or put something in the slow cooker. I love coming home and being able to eat tea more or less straightaway.

I do reading books in bed, cuddled up.

I would prioritise getting your 3 year old in bed by 9 so it’s still late but you’re getting half an hour back.

We have one easy tea midweek to free up more time to get everything done or just have time together.

I prioritise getting to bed at a decent time as I struggle without sleep. I also do things like have nice shower gel to make the morning shower more enjoyable, time out of my day looking at the view near where I work. What’s your lunch hour like? Could you go somewhere on your own just to get time to yourself?

Is there any way you could reduce hours?
I have two primary aged kids and a baby and work 2, 11 hour night shifts a week. That really fits round parenting for me.. altho yeah it takes it out of me a bit.. but I still feel I spend a good amount of time with the kids.
My DH works 9 to 5.
He's on 40k and I'm on minimum wage.
But we live in the North so our mortgage is low.
Sometimes you have to rearrange your life quite alot to get good work life balance. We moved out of the city.. bought a cheaper house with no garden.
Everything we buy us second hand.. get lots of free stuff. Meal plan and budget.
I feel like we get lots of time together in return.

Ffs it's not the same! I'm a sahm and meal prep/ shopping/washing etc etc etc is all done while I'm looking after a 3 year old and a 6 month old during the day! That's part of the job, sure, but it's done during the week, during the day - it doesn't have to be crammed into the evening on top of everything else.
ALSO! All the thinking about things, making appointments, meal planning, what that funny mark is and if I need to call someone - I can use my brain for all that stuff during the looking after my kid bit, because I'm not working on something totally different.
I'm not saying being a sahm is easy or easier but more that they're just not comparable.

Big hand hold here from another household with two FT working senior role type parents with commutes, only one DS. I too worry for our health and constantly, constantly feel guilty for DS for having to accommodate our work and his long days and to my work for having to accommodate flexibility for us to parent. One thing that has massively helped me in the last two months is taking vitamins (easy to fit in, helped my energy). Be really really kind to yourself you're not alone! It's so hard!

What makes it worse is that I'm the only one out of my friends in this situation.

comparison is the thief of joy. By the sound of it you are healthy with healthy DC and a job. Maybe look at the things you have....

If DC are having a meal elsewhere in the day take the pressure off making a proper meal for them in the week. Sandwiches, soup, eggs are all fine.
I am also a big fan of crap dinner night, which is Wednesday in our house. Basically oven chips and breaded chicken or something with veg. Takes pressure out of thinking, I cook it in the air fryer, little washing up.

Could you do bedtime and dh do lunches/tidy up. Then as soon as he is finished he can do his work. That way you should be able to get to bed by 10 or maybe 11 if you want a bit of chil time.

Save most house work for weekend

Definitely ditch cooking from scratch 1-2 nights a week. We used to have 1 night a week designated as beans on toast night, and another designated as jacket potato and cheese night. Saved loads of time.

Working full time with more than one kid will always be tiring. There are a few issues that stand out here, the first that your 3 year old goes to bed late and that they are a picky eater. Lots of kids are similar but if you could get some sort of a handle on it then your life would be easier. For now I'd tackle the sleep. Our dd1 was similar and dh used to lie on the floor and then move further away the next day until he was out of the room. It took a week of doing so but she got there in the end and slept on her own. We took to spending time in our room so she knew we were close by.

Food wise I would take time to prep meals at the weekend so your dh can feed them before you arrive home. If you get in at 7.30pm and start meal prep from scratch then, when do you eat?

I'd also make sure you are eating well, take multivitamins if your diet isn't great and carve out any time to exercise.

Longer term I'd sit down and make a spreadsheet of incoming and outgoings and look at whether this is realistic for you longterm. Could moving areas, retraining, your dh getting a job as an employee overall be better for your family?

Also, it might get easier when they’re both at school - I would go back to 5 normal days at that point if I were you. Compressed hours a good when you have a preschooler to get time with them, but once they’re both at school it’s better to have more evening time available.

That only works if you have a ‘village’ that offers every type of job, and enough of them. When it comes to really specialised work even really large cities may only have a few corresponding positions at most forcing people to the odd opening in other large cities, or even different countries. I’ve had several colleagues over the years that have had to move countries to gain a spot in what they are specialised in, so the ‘stay in the same village as your parents and everyone you know to help you’ isn’t really a panacea.

Whilst I understand what you're saying, it really is only a tiny majority whose jobs are so specialised. Most of the problem is the centralisation of firms for no good reason, where firms like them had managed perfectly well to be based throughout the country or at least had regional offices in smaller cities and larger towns!

Go back 3 or 4 decades and there were lots of "good" jobs in the smaller cities and larger towns. Close to where I was born in a North West seaside resort, there was a town just 20 miles away that had two large insurance offices (hundreds of staff), that employed a wide range of people from very specialised jobs such as qualified actuaries, through to qualified accountant, and down to receptionists, office clerks, etc. They both closed down when they were taken over and sucked into London based firms! I had a relative who was on the Board of one of them, and who was seriously pissed off when they were sold out and he had to relocate to London after spending most of his working life in his home town!

In our town itself, we had regional offices of national insurance firms, solicitors, banks, building societies, accountants, land agents, stock market brokers. All gone! Now just a couple of banks with no "back room" and just counter assistants, less than a handful of tiny independent accountants/solicitors, no stockbrokers, just a couple of tiny independent mortgage brokers. Literally the only jobs we have now are retail and hospitality. Kids go away to Uni and never come back as the jobs have all be artificially centralised in a handful of big cities.

My point is now proved in many cases by the ease in which workers have transitioned to working from home roles and barely any need to go into the city centre offices. That's fine for those who are experienced and settled in their roles, but simply doesn't work for youngsters/trainees who still have to relocate in the cities, with all the cost that incurs, to get inducted and trained.

@Feelinglikeamoan you might be putting too much pressure on yourself with the cooking. My eldest has ASD and likes sandwiches, so he gets sandwiches with fruit for his tea. He and his sister both get cooked meals at school/nursery. Sometimes his sister will have pizza, or pasta. If she doesn't want the evening meal I cook I let her have a snack instead, since she's already had her lunch and dinner at nursery.

For things like cleaning the bathroom, I sometimes find I can quickly do that on a weekday evening while they are playing together or playing with my partner. Even just a 5 or 10 minute clean helps stay more on top of things.

Raising children is hard work. I've raised my ds alone, but I only had one.

You have two but there are two of you, so do you not get the occasional weekend afternoon off while your dh takes the strain? Can't you tag team when you are feeling low?

Try to have a lie in this weekend.

This too shall pass, here's to us hardworking determined women🫶 may your days be short and your coffee strong ❤️

Would renting a smaller but cheaper place and then being able to cut your hours help? Sorry haven't read whole thread so maybe you mention you're already living somewhere as small as possible.

@Feelinglikeamoan The best advice I can give is to say lower your standards. Seriously, with what I read on Mumsnet it’s a parallel universe with what people do to what they need to do. I took care of people for healthcare problems for decades and never once came across anyone in a normal living situation who had healthcare complaints due to not washing bedding, towels etc frequently. The only instances I encountered were people who were literally homeless, slept on the street and wee’s and poo’s themselves and sat in that for prolonged periods. We were in the same situation as you, literally threw the iron away, DH and I shared a towel for the week, all kids shared a towel for the week, kids bedsheets washed once a month at best unless they wee’d/vomited, anything possible to cut down on washing/drying etc. Mumsnet will claim this is ‘minging’ and so be it, fact is it won’t hurt anyone.

One of our kids was in hospital for several months after birth and I was given many helpful hints from the paeds in relation to keeping the house going with other kids to care for. Number one was stop daily baths, once a week as long as you make sure faces and bums are clean meanwhile. We had two bowls labelled ‘tops’ and ‘tails’ for this purpose. So much easier and quicker.

As for food. Stuff like spag bol, make a huge batch quantity to cover a few nights. Repetitive night after night, but so much easier to just reheat. Get a huge slow cooker and things like tuna bake/casserole in it will cover 3 or 4 nights for 2 adults and a toddler. Dull, but cuts the cooking out!

Finally, while utterly shit at present and likely for the next few years, it does not last forever. They get older and the load gets less, then ramps up again in different ways but at least you have been able to take a breath for a few years. Then, they are fully formed people (brains excepted) that are capable of doing their own washing and cooking the odd night or two. It will come!

That doesn’t sound so different from my routine op (kids 8, 6 & 2), and I feel you!! I am really prioritising going to bed by midnight this year and it’s making a huge difference. Can I ask if you batch cook? We don’t have time to cook from scratch weekdays every night. We batch cook on the weekend, and we slow cook soups eg to have with cheese toasties. So we try and eat freezer food at least twice a week, and other meals are things like omelette, baked potatoes (can bake the previous night and reheat if no one wfh to put them in the oven, bonus pre baked potatoes also make amazing wedges if you slice and roast), packet ravioli.
that and we accept that weekends will be full of housework and washing and we use a laundromat sometimes for the sheets, so we don’t have to get everything done on weeknights. Sleep is really important.

the other thing worth mentioning is our oldest really struggled to get off to bed, and we started giving him some melatonin- just the smallest dose, 0.5mg I think, and only on school nights so it’s not every night, 60-90 minutes before bedtime. That too has been a game changer for bedtimes.