I'm so exhausted from working full time and having young kids

[Feelinglikeamoan]

I'm in my 40s, I work full time, I have a preschooler and a primary school aged child. I'm fucking exhausted.

I've always worked full time, we could never afford to reduce hours. I'm burnt out. A normal night's sleep is 6.5 hours during the week. There are simply not enough hours in the day to get more sleep.

Also, I work in a really stressful health care role which adds to my exhaustion.

What makes it worse is that I'm the only one out of my friends in this situation. All of my friends with kids have either one parent working part time, or not working at all. Many of them have grandparents nearby providing significant support with childcare giving them time to rest.

I just wanted to moan. I feel like I don't get to enjoy life much as I'm so busy and exhausted. I've felt really upset by reading a few threads recently about people retiring in their 50s. It made me feel sad that I'm already so exhausted in my 40s, and I won't be able to retire until I'm around 67.

My biggest sadness is not being able to spend as much time as I'd like with my children. I wish I could work less and see them more. I feel like I'm letting them down by not having enough time for them.

I'm not sure if it is a great example to set them, to be honest. Do you want them to feel the same as you do now, when they are adults? I don't know what the answer is either, but let's not kid ourselves that it's good for children to think this is a healthy way to live - it's not really is it?

I have found my people!

OP mind are 18 and 8 and I'm mid 40s and feel bloody exhausted. I've worked full time for most of my working career and if it's any consolation always had a good close relationship with the kids, made the most of weekends and school holidays. I don't feel it's diminished our relationship in anyway.

I've also been a single parent for large portions of my life and now divorced but do share custody 50/50 of youngest DC.

Is there any chance you could find a less stressful job or would the problem be you’d have to take a pay cut? I work f/T and have similar aged kids and often find my days off with them in the holidays more exhausting than being at work. Trying to say that it may be the job itself rather than the hours which is the worst thing

Yup. Same here.
I empty the dishwasher whilst I'm boiling the kettle
I put the laundry on overnight and put it out after the kids have their breakfast
I've trained myself not to wee during the day so I get my FT job done is as few hours as possible.
The air fryer is an efficiency essential.

There is not a second of the day that is not just go go go.

I am a well oiled machine and if the wheels fall off, then I willabsolutely IMPLODE.

It's absolutely bloody shit.

I already did this. I was a senior manager and took a huge step down as it was completely incompatable with family life.

I'm working towards a sideways move to a less stressful kind of work in my profession, but it will be a couple of years before I'll have enough experience to get a role like that.

Yes I feel my health is suffering too.

There is not a second of the day that is not just go go go.

This is exactly it @JustMarriedBecca

It is hard, but it gets easier

I'm sorry <3

Is there a way to do compressed hours? So do 5 days in 4.5 + then have an afternoon off to reset or something?

You're doing really well + as the kids grow up & hopefully both your wages go up, they'll need less time heavy input & you might be able to afford a better family balance.

Sending hugs

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy @QforCucumber

I get up at 6.45, leave for work at 7.30. Dh gets the kids ready and takes them to school/nursery. He wfh. He picks them yo at 6. I get home from work around 7.30.

Dh and I then deal with dinner, cleaning up, online grocery shopping, laundry etc. Both the kids are late sleepers, I was the same when I was young. It's 9.30 now and the 3 year old is just asleep. She is a sleep fighter so bedtime takes ages.

After the kids go to bed, and we've finished all the house stuff and I've got my lunch and stuff ready for the next day, it's about quarter past midnight.

Dh usually has to squeeze in about an hour of work in the evening too as he's doesn't quite manage to do a full working day during the day. I usually have to finish up a bit of work too, but not every night.

I work full time over 4 long days. Which is a blessing as I have Fridays with the 3 year old, and the older one does not have to go after school club on a Friday.

Cross Post, just wrote about doing 4 long days! I've thought about sending the 3 year old into nursery on those days sometimes, but I would feel too guilty. I know she loves her Fridays with me and likes having a day off from nursery.

Thank you everyone for your messages. I feel less alone.

After the kids go to bed, and we've finished all the house stuff and I've got my lunch and stuff ready for the next day, it's about quarter past midnight.

What's all the house stuff? There must be something you can do less of or smarter. Are you making your lunch separate the evening meal for example? Could you cook twice as much and then cook less often or have it for lunch.

6.5 hours of sleep sounds awful.

It’s hard OP, I get it it! DH works 5 days, I work 4 days, but I find 5 days of work just needs to get done in 4 (even though I’m only paid for 4 🙄) and on my day “off” I have my two year old at home who trashes the place 🤣.

I feel guilty my primary aged kids are in after school club 4 days per week and I’m not at pick up like most of the other mums.

Some advice from me (from one exhausted mum to another):

• Drop your standards. Clothes don’t need to be ironed (I iron school uniform, that’s it), accept there will be piles of clutter everywhere, kids don’t need home cooked meals every night, beans on toast is fine.
• Batch cook at the weekend. I make several portions of Spag Bol and vegetable pasta sauce in one hit (sauce has same base, so I just brown mince and add half the sauce to it. I don’t cook more than beans on toast in the week, and get batched cooked meals out of the freezer for the nights the kids eat properly.
• DH and I often live off ready meals to leave the freshly cooked healthy stuff for the kids (I am trying to change this now 2 year old sleeps better, hence making all the portions of vegetable pasta sauce).
• Get a cleaner if you can afford it to do the basics.
• prioritise sleep over housework. If you get more sleep you will feel a lot better.

@Feelinglikeamoan it absolutely sucks! There is also no way I’d be up until 00:15 midweek! Ds2 (also 3, 4 in 2 weeks) goes to sleep late too, the 8 year old was asleep by 8:30 tonight the 3 year old was asleep by 9:15. While I put him to bed dh puts the dishwasher on and sorts kitchen. Laundry is on a delay start, I’ve just got out of the shower and we will both be in bed in 10 mins. Sleep 10:30-6/6:30ish. Tbh midweek we prioritise sleep over anything else, but - we do get home around 6pm so all eat together around 6:30/6:45 which I’m thinking will make a big difference to the rushed evening feeling!

Just seen your DH works from home. It sounds like he has a busy job so not a criticism, but he needs to take advantage of working from home to take the pressure off you both in the evening. Can he put a wash load on first thing and put it on the airer whilst on a boring conference call? Can he prep dinner whilst making his lunch or make your lunch for the next day whilst making his own lunch?

I work 50% from home. I make sure I am super efficient on office days including doing emails on the train on my long commute and working through lunch, then I allow myself time on my wfh days to put a wash load on or do some school admin (generally whilst on a boring conference call). I don’t take the mick (haven’t got time) but there are things that can be done from home concurrently with work.

A typical day for me is up at 6, out of the house at 7.15 to drop DD2 off at grandparents and get to work with DD1 by 7.30 (she is in reception class at the school I teach in). Work all day, rush off at 4.45, collect DD2 from grandparents. Get home, DDs are starving so eat tea cooked by DH (out of the house before 7 but usually home by 4.30). Bath and bed the chidlren for 7, hastily stuff down dinner made by DH, work on laptop until around 10, fold washing etc, then bed.

When I write it down I don’t actually know how we get things like DD1s reading, life admin, cleaning etc done but we somehow fit it in. Weekends are a blur of swimming lessons, play dates and birthday parties.

I am permanently exhausted, mainly by the evening work tbh, but at least I get a percentage of the school holidays to spend properly with DDs (and in Sep 25 both will be attending my school so at least I’ll see them more). I do not know how people in other fields do it, so well done previous posters for being super women. Hopefully our children will look back and be impressed by what we went through in order to give them a home and food.

There's me thinking 6.5 hours of sleep is quite normal for alot of people.

Not dismissing your situation at all by the way OP. Sounds tough. I couldn't do it. I'm in a cushy situation with a part time job, comfortable financially and only one child.
I'd completely break in your situation. I have no idea how you do it.

A 12 hour working day is more than full time though. That seems a bit much.
Also you should be prioritising sleep over doing house stuff until last midnight. That's not sustainable.

I hear you, and salute you in equal measure.

If we have two kids I’d need to work full time to support that choice thinking of longer term etc. If we stick with one, I can go back to work 3 or 4 days a week and probably maintain that. That will probably (unless finances improve) be our choice, in order to be more comfortable.

Try not to think to 67. One year at a time.

Your issue is the late nights. You need to find a way to do all the jobs you are doing at another time and get to bed much earlier.
So make lunches whilst making dinner etc. I can’t believe there is that much to do in the evenings?
Id be aiming to be in bed by 10.30pm at the very latest. The sleep you get before midnight is super important. If you could I would do 10-6am and do some of the jobs then.

Same, 2 children, FT job and add in a demented elderly parent for me as well. I am fucking burnt out.

I would throw everything you can at sorting out bedtime. That would make your evening less draining. Can DC sleep resist on their own? Or do they need constant supervision/hand-holding while awake? Getting shot of them earlier, gives you a bit of time before you get an earlier night. If they are just not sleepy and can't be left awake, then let them stay up and have a more relaxed evening with them about instead of wasting hours in a draining sleep battle. Working full time with young children is hard work, but no need to make it harder.

It is hard, and I shouldn't even comment because the only way I cope is by working 4 days.

I know what you mean about very few people working full time with kids - it always surprises me how many people don't. In my workplace most people have children and work full time, and I thought that was the norm until I became a parent.