historical dating one 'wear something sexy'

[Frogmila]

I'm recovering from surgery and for some reason my mind has gone to an online date from ages ago (that didn't actually happen!) and I wondered whether others would have given the bloke a chance.

Zero consequence, I have a fab partner now, just looking for distraction!

So, 30s London professionals looking for relationships not casual. All fine on paper, enough to match but not enormous amounts in common or anything.

We chatted (not in great depth and nothing very flirty) before he invited me for a post work drink.

Place and time confirmed on the day.

He then texted 'wear something sexy'.

I didn't like this so politely cancelled the drink and wished him well.

I didn't really overthink it but reasons being, it hadn't been a flirtatious conversation yet. I felt he'd hurriedly introduced a sexual element plus I would feel he was judgemental about appearance! Plus I generally don't like being told what to do!! It just didn't sit right. Like he was trying to be a bit dominant out of nowhere.

He quickly apologised, said it had been a silly thing to say and he didn't care what I wore. I didn't reinstate plans.

I then worried he was just flirting and others would have been fine with this!

YABU= I would have given him a chance
YANBU= no thanks

Absolutely . In my 20s I would have made a joke but I've moved away from that. If someone says or does something I don't like (and they're not a friend, family member or it's a well intended misfire) I'll often politely shut it down these days rather than say something witty. Say, catcalls or similar. It feels a lot less like engaging in the same vein and makes it clearer they've overstepped without being rude back.

I’ve been with my DH for best part of 20 years and he wouldn’t dare tell me to “wear something sexy”. He respects me enough to let me make my own choices, for my own reasons.

Maybe I’ve got my period and my tummy is bloated so I wear loose trousers, maybe my back hurts so I wear flat shoes, maybe I just can’t be bothered making a fuss because I’m stressed or tired. He’s taking out a person, not an object.

Honestly it’s just disrespectful, and I would have told him that then blocked him.

I would have turned up in a leotard with spinning nipple tassels

I would have definitely cancelled but before doing so, I may have responded with ‘wear something that makes you look taller as tall guys are sexy’. It may have made him realise how much he was treating you like hired arm candy.

In my 20s and maybe even my early 30s I probably would have gone along with it, thinking it was nice he was thinking of me 'like that'.

Now though? Not a chance.

Either that or he would have showed up in 70s platform shoes, in the hopes of getting lucky!

I think some guys think online dating is basically a free escort service

And some a free chat line! Not sex chat even, there are just those who expect a good couple of hour's chinwag every night with a stranger. I soon learnt to put a stop to that! One call only pre meeting. Who's got the time?!

I thought this to. I'm a little disappointed 😂

The thing is as well a man’s idea of sexy and a woman’s idea are usually completely different.

lets be honest when the average man says wear something sexy he usually means ‘have your tits and arse hanging out’

It's a big, fat 'Hell, NO' from me, too. What other reasonable response is there? Nobody likes being told what to do.

This is a good response. Personally I wouldn't cancel a date over this. It's just abit of banter and I wouldn't have been annoyed at all.

I may be wrong, but I think women's ideas of " sexy" for a man are much more varied. My idea of sexy is a soldier's redcoat and breeches, but sadly there aren't many men shopping in Tesco dressed like that!

I’d have turned up in flats, wearing a baggy polar neck.

😂😂

Some may have liked it. You didn’t and you are headstrong enough to not just shake off a comment that didn’t sit right with you. Cancelling the date was the right thing to do for you.

Personally I would have been a bit taken aback by the comment if there hadn’t been any flirting yet, but ultimately I would have assumed an abrupt attempt to flirt.

Honestly, it says a lot about you that you would have taken an instruction as to what to wear from a total stranger as ‘flirtatious’.

I’m unsure why you’ve tried to offend me.

if I met someone on a dating site that asked me out to drinks after a while of talking to them.. I’d assume at some point some flirty banter might appear. This would be just that.. for me. Which is exactly why I said OP did the right thing, as it didn’t sit right with her.

I also havent said I would have bowed down to his request and stuck on some fishnets for him. Naturally, I would have been dressing up slightly anyway.. I would have just shot some banter back at him and break the serious-talk ice before we go for drinks.

I’m sorry my opinion isn’t to your liking. But thanks anyway I guess?

I misunderstood the OP and was going to suggest corset and pantaloons 😆

I did actually put together a wenchy medieval outfit for a fancy dress party recently involving a linen apron and coif hat and plaits so that would have knocked his socks off and we'd probably be married now!!

It was the tone to be honest, if it had been a continuation of flirting and joking I think I could have taken it differently and possibly have given him a chance. However , it was quite dull chat and he seemed work focussed. I wasn't that enthused about meeting but thought 'one drink, maybe we're both a bit jaded about texting'. So it came out of nowhere and read as serious or sexual and somewhat judgemental rather than playful.

I’d have taken it as flirtatious - especially given the historical context - certainly not as an actual demand/requirement, but more as an indication that he was attracted/potentially attracted to me and was putting it out there, albeit somewhat clunkily given the lack of chat beforehand.

I’m always fascinated on threads about proactively dating how offended some women get by men who overtly express an interest in the potential of a non platonic relationship. I’d always understood that to be the whole point: Do I fancy this person/do they fancy me and do we want to get it on in the foreseeably near future. If not, what’s the point?!

Well we met on a dating app, the potential for a non platonic relationship and sex was implicit.

Honestly I’m not sure what I’d have done if this had happened to me! It depends if I thought he was joking.

I think mostly it would have shown that we had mismatched expectations because I don’t have anything sexy in my wardrobe! I have nice clothes that I like but I don’t really dress up in a sexy way and so I don’t think a man looking for that in his partner would find it in me.

And yes, for a first date that comment is too forward for me and a bit sleazy. I think you were right to do what felt best to you (cancel).