historical dating one 'wear something sexy'

[Frogmila]

I'm recovering from surgery and for some reason my mind has gone to an online date from ages ago (that didn't actually happen!) and I wondered whether others would have given the bloke a chance.

Zero consequence, I have a fab partner now, just looking for distraction!

So, 30s London professionals looking for relationships not casual. All fine on paper, enough to match but not enormous amounts in common or anything.

We chatted (not in great depth and nothing very flirty) before he invited me for a post work drink.

Place and time confirmed on the day.

He then texted 'wear something sexy'.

I didn't like this so politely cancelled the drink and wished him well.

I didn't really overthink it but reasons being, it hadn't been a flirtatious conversation yet. I felt he'd hurriedly introduced a sexual element plus I would feel he was judgemental about appearance! Plus I generally don't like being told what to do!! It just didn't sit right. Like he was trying to be a bit dominant out of nowhere.

He quickly apologised, said it had been a silly thing to say and he didn't care what I wore. I didn't reinstate plans.

I then worried he was just flirting and others would have been fine with this!

YABU= I would have given him a chance
YANBU= no thanks

Same!

I think it’s the sort of thing you can jokingly say a few dates down the line, but not online before you’ve even met them!

You… get that (a) there are thousands and thousands of posters on MN and only a few tens on any given thread and (b) any statement that starts with “women expect” is probably gonna be generalising in à meaningless way.

Not sure why, it was about 5 years ago! It randomly popped up with me wondering 'did I overreact?' it's not about the man, I don't think we would have been much of a love story. It is heartening to know others would have been put off too

I'd have gone dressed as Nora Batty!

That was my first thought - my second thought was, what if he'd found that irresistible?

I'd have cancelled too. Why should women wear sexy clothes to please a man, is he from the dark ages or something?

Agreed! Even if we'd been joking away and I thought it was his sense of humour I could have maybe taken it as such but it was quite a serious chat, even a bit dry and then that out of nowhere!

I’d have chalked that up to men being men, and gone on the date, worrying about whether I’d interpreted sexy correctly. I’ve learned, or rather unlearned, so much from mumsnet since my idiotic youth.

Tbf, I never liked anyone enough for a third date before I met dh but I could have saved so much time by just eliminating them at the beginning.

I went on a first date this somebody that I've met online dating. It was a boiling hot summer's day and I was wearing a floaty dress and a pair of bright red Crocs. The very first thing he said to me before he even greeted me, was "Well you might have worn sexier shoes!"

@ManilowBarry you'd have been in trouble if Compo had shown up!

Of course you were right to cancel. The man was a demonstrable idiot before you’d even met.

Something only a man would say. They make their priorities clear don't they.

As a man, I've actually had a woman (just the one, so no, it's not a regular thing) ask whether I could wear a suit as she found them sexy.

Same?

I obliged... didn't help my cause though! :)

What
A
Twat!

@C1N1C (a) was that a first date? And (b) how was it actually phrased? Was in an out of the blue “wear a sexy suit for our date” demand, or more part of a chat?

I had similar.... chatting to a guy on a dating site. Going okay arranged to meet for a cuppa. But he kept asking me what I was going to wear. As in short skirt and stockings!!!! Ffs!!! Blocked lol some guys have no idea

I'd have probably said 'only if you do the same', and berated him all night when he inevitably turned up in jeans and a T-shirt. With an attitude like that it wouldn't have gone any further anyway but I'd have had some fun winding him up before throwing him in the bin

Truth be told. I can't remember. This must have been maybe 15 years ago, but I think it was along the lines of could you wear a suit, I love a man in a suit/ I find them sexy. And yep, first date.

Suits are an awkward one... there's a fine line between the sixth form look 'I wear a suit, but it still kind of looks school uniformy'; or 'the suit wears me'; or actual 'drop-dead gorgeous'... maybe that's what was being assessed :)

I agree that it might pass as a joke in certain circumstances in a conversation when people know each other and the tone is obvious. But texting this before the first date ….. the guy was either sexist or immature, probably a bit of both.
Good job that you just canceled without making any witty comments. In this situation witty comments might give the wrong impression whereas cancelling showed straight away how inappropriate his txt was.

Yeah… I don’t think that was terrific, but I feel like “could you wear a suit, I think they are sexy” is a step or two down from “wear something sexy” in terms of entitlement!

I wonder if they were wanting to go somewhere costly that a suit would be appropriate.

@SheilaFentiman (to save lots of long reply posts)

I agree, it's slightly 'softer' than " something sexy"!

For most men (I'd imagine), the prep for a date is simply to find a reasonably ironed nice shirt and trousers... for women, I get the impression that it's more of an event, and that a lot of thought goes into what you wear. Relating to the OP's post, and my own... is the suggestion ever wanted? I guess advice would invariably be asked for, like "are you more of a jeans person, or a skirt person?" But would it be intrusive or even controlling to preempt it and say "I happen to be a bit of a skirt/blouse man, so if you happen to have one and you're struggling to decide what to wear (subtle hint)".

Wear something sexy is different though... it rather suggests an intent.

I had something similar said to me and I replied ‘I prefer to wear something classy’

We did meet up - I wore a nice dress he turned up in shorts tee shirt and flip flops and it wasn’t a hot day!

There was no second date 🤣

Relating to the OP's post, and my own... is the suggestion ever wanted?

IMO, it should always be up to the “wearer” to ask, IYSWIM, not the “looker” to request. Definitely on a first or other early date.

So “I was trying to pick between a jeans or a skirt for our date, what do you think?” rather than “I don’t know what you are planning to wear, but I do like a nice skirt”

However, I wouldn’t be offended if DH said, “you know we are out for dinner next week, could you wear your blue dress?” But we have 20 odd years under the bridge 😀

This and I think you should be proud of yourself for cancelling!! When I was younger I'm not sure I would have had the confidence or self esteem to cancel or even to object but I think you absolutely did the right thing. If he was a nice guy then he will have learnt his lesson that you can't expect women to put up with any old crap you might want to say and if he was a creep then good riddance.