Why do male friends just randomly drop you

[Lordsoftheboards]

I only knew him for 9 months so I know people will say it isn't that long, but we were still close.
He's still single so it's not to do with that or anything.
He's a very avoidant sort of person who'd rather make a million excuses because he thinks it's 'kinder' (or just easier) than saying the truth.

I have tried to find out why he's trying to drop me but it's just excuses about being crap at texting (which he never used to be) stuff like that. So I've just left it and moving on, trying to not take it personally.

I'm single too. Had this with 2 other male friends in the past, it might not necessarily be specific to men but it does upset me and make me feel like it was never a friendship. Any insights?

Such a shame though isn't it! This one sounds strange, especially when it sounds like you had good times together.

Well considering the other thread you have going about how to get a guy interested in you, I suspect they dropped you as they sensed you wanted a romantic relationship & weren’t interested.

Seems a bit odd that 3 guys you were interested in romantically plus your platonic male friendships have all dropped contact with you if I’m honest.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/ami_being_unreasonable/5090287-teach-me-the-art-of-getting-a-guy-interested

No, I’m not. But I have a lot of male friends who have never shown any interest in that - we do hobbies together. Very non-sexual. I’m fairly attractive, but no weird vibes or passes or anything like that.

All very ND though. Unusual demographic.

Not my experience.

Don’t get me wrong - I’ve met plenty of scuzzy sex-obsessed men, but I don’t associate with people like that. I’ve also met plenty of normal humans who happen to have a Y chromosome and a normal ability to engage with other humans in a non sexual manner.

@LongIslander

"I think I was a useful source of female company and conversation during a lonely spell after his divorce, and then there was no longer a role for me once he was feeling better, and our children no longer played together much."

Or it became obvious he wasn't going to get a shag.

Are the 3 male friends who dropped contact with you in this thread, the same 3 guys you were interested in romantically & dropped contact with you in your other thread? Or have 6 guys, 3 romantic & 3 platonic, all dropped contact?

It's great that you've had that experience.

I've been perpetually disappointed. Every time in the last 25 years or so I've befriended a male, I've thought, oh this one wants to be my friends. Then the sex talk and pushing boundaries arrives, maybe not in the first year...they sometimes wait years to do it.

First reply nails it I’m afraid.

Hey, I don't associate with scuzzy sex obsessed men either (or scuzzy people in general thank you very much) although I've obviously bumped into some over the years.

It is a shame, @SharpWriter -- I mean, I'm 50, not a teenager, and I'm not some timid little soul, and generally fussy about who I choose as friends, but this did knock me back a bit, and yes, it is sad when something is a real friendship for you, but apparently not for the other person.

I had to go back through our WhatsApp messages recently to look for an address I needed, and was taken aback by how many substantial messages from us both there were over a couple of years, not just meeting arrangements or exchanges about child lifts to sports training. It made me think 'See! It's NOT just in my head! There was something real there, even if you've got Friend Amnesia!'

But definitely no sexual frisson from either person in this scenario. If he was in fact using me, it was entirely platonically.

Anyway, upwards and onwards, I suppose...

Genuinely not, @ginasevern. I'd actually like this to have been the case, because it would be less wounding to my self-esteem, or perhaps less mysterious, but, bluntly, I'm a very plain middle-aged woman and he's a couple of years younger, divorced, conventionally good-looking and has a lot of money, so could be shagging all round him if he wanted to!

I had this once. A guy fancied my colleague and developed a platonic friendship with me to get close to her. When they started dating, he dropped me as a friend. Literally never texted again.

He and I didn’t find each other attractive and I wasn’t single anyway, so I’ve no idea why we couldn’t have stayed friends. My colleague wouldn’t have minded either (she knew that I was not the type to covet people’s boyfriends and she knew that I was happy with DP).

It sounds to me as though the friendship just fizzled out, he was busy, it wasn't a priority.

People just want different things sometimes. Not everyone has the time or inclination to be messaging all the live long day with someone they've known less than a year.

Nope, I know what's what and I'd know if it were just that.

Also, 1 year or 10 isn't relevant.

I think some men (usually straight men) don’t value female friends as much, and once they have a female partner they kind of are satisfied with their positive female attention in their life so don’t mind if they lose their female friends! It does suck but in my 20s I decided not to take male friendships too seriously, like overall I can’t really rely on them to be friends with me in the long term. Especially the ones who had tried it on.

It does suck but there are many exceptions! You just need to find the right men. One of my closest friends is a guy and he’s married - known him for nearly 2 decades and he’s rarely been single during that period. I thought I’d be ditched once he married tbh but no we are just as close! And his wife is lovely too.

He has always valued our friendship. We don’t talk a lot sure, but That’s the same as most of my friends, and we do spend quality time together. Also still friendly with two of my previous male bosses (both married) I meet up with them for quick coffee if we are in each others area.

Yeah, none of us deliberately 'associate' with people like that, obviously. Because they don't wear t shirts saying 'I'm a scuzzy sex pest'. They're your typical guy. The colleague you get on great with when you work on a project together. The neighbour you get chatting to. The bloke from your hobby. Many of them (particularly where they think you're more attractive than them so would probably turn them down for a date) play the long game and you don't find out for ages what that game is.

Odd. Because a lot of men do effectively wear the t-shirt. And still some women are happy to associate with them… And each to their own, it’s just not for me.

I’m not an idiot, I’m quite capable of observing when someone has other ideas, and when they don’t, and somehow I don’t think that guys I’ve known for decades are “playing a long game”. They’re more likely to get hit by a bus tomorrow, what would be the point?!

I’m not really interested in arguing about it, but my experience is still valid, even if other people have had different experiences 🙄

He probably liked you more than just friends and he finally realised he'd been put in the friendzone. If he feels he needs to get over his crush on you to move on then he's perfectly entitled to cut off all contact with you.

Jesus that's a bit dramatic 🤣

Not every man is sexually interested in every women obviously. The male friends you've had for decades who haven't made a move on you obviously werent sexually interested in you. However, that doesn't invalidate the many experiences of other women who have been befriended by men who are sexually interested in them. Nor does it make them too stupid to read signs, or insufficiently discerning about the company they keep.

Hmmm not exactly dramatic is it...it's a very feasible explanation for his sudden disappearance act. I know I have also done similar with guy friends I've had a crush on in the past. It's not just a guy thing and it doesn't make him a bad guy either.

The thing you do for them stops (a favour, lending money, listening to their relationship woes, getting drunk with them when they're bored, flirting/possibility of sex)
They don't tend to want non transactional friendships. They seem to often only meet us when they've got something they can either boast or moan about. Not just to catch up mutually.
It's quite weird really now I think of it.
Even male family are like this with me.

Of course they wouldn't. Men would shag any woman with a pulse.

Plenty of women do like to keep a man/men around as a back up option in case her current relationship breaks down, for example.

These men are known as orbiters. Straight single men who befriend women will in most cases want to get with them physically and women are well aware of that.