Any ideas how we can solve 1 afternoon per week childcare headache?

[ChildCareMyProblemAgain]

ExH uses after school club 1 afternoon a week, picks DD (Year 5, aged 10) up from there then has her overnight. He finishes work at 5pm so usually picks up around 5.20/5.30pm.

From September school are reducing wraparounds hours from 5.30pm finish to a 4.45pm for juniors (Years 3-6) finish due to lack of demand. According to ExH DD is often the only child there when he goes to pick up which is obviously costing the school money to keep lights on, heating etc as well as two staff to stay with DD. They are staying open until 5pm for Infants (Years R-2) and juniors who have a younger sibling already at the Wraparound.

ExH lives 30 minutes’ drive from DDs school (so way to far for buses/walking) and DD has some slight learning difficulties and medical issues which means she’s not able to get the bus by herself to ExHs house and if she missed the bus she wouldn’t know what to do.

I work in the office on the days ExH has DD overnight which is over an hour away – the other days I can wfh but it was set as my office days deliberately due to ExHs arrangement – so I can’t help and ExH has said his work rejected have rejected for him to finish in time to pick up DD from wraparound.

School will not allow anyone under the age of 18 to pick up, and won’t allow DD to leave on her own (Can leave alone from after easter of Year 5 if all PR holders and the school agree the child is sensible enough, they do not think DD is sensible enough yet which I agree with)

I know it’s not technically my problem but ExH will make it my problem, so how can we solve this which doesn’t involve me giving up my job (which was his solution last time there was a childcare issue on his day, he just didn’t sort it and I was expected to)?

For context this is the only day DD has any kind of wraparound care, the other days I wfh so she has activities and things she goes to, I however do pay for the wraparound as ExH says thats what CM is for and also it's my choice to send her so I can work 🙄

I'm just glossing over the outrageous behaviour of your ex.

I don't know how feasible it is, but would either of the wrap-around staff be able/ willing to babysit her for the extra 45mins after it closes? For £15-£20 or so they might. Or are they busy staffing the Infants until 5?

They'd need to leave the school premises, so is there a library or your home that they could walk to and the father collect her from?

I would ask your XH which 24 hours he is taking responsibility for. Is it starting after school on Wed to the end of the school day on Thur? Or is it when he gets the child on Wed until the same time on Thur? Because either way, he is responsible for some post school time and one school day.

how firm are the school on the 18+ line? What are the nearby secondary school hours? This seems like an excellent job for an older teen to pick up from aftercare and accompany your child by bus to your XH location. He would need to pay round-trip travel time for the worker, maybe 2 hours. It still wouldn’t be too expensive.

You would be unlikely to find a childminder that would take on a child just for one after school session a week, unless you get very lucky and there is one already picking up other children on a Friday. They generally need several to make it worth their while and will charge more than the afterschool club for the same reason.

Really, your exH needs to liaise with his employer and finish an hour earlier on a Friday. Whether than involves taking two shorter lunch hours/starting early to make up the time, there are few employers who wouldn’t try to accommodate him given the schools change of ASC hours, esp this with so much notice. Alternatively, does he have parents who could pick her up that evening?

He's an absolute disgrace isn't he?

You pay for care on "his time"?

Fuck me!

So who are the emergency contacts at school?

Well tbh he sounds so shit that it seems anyone would be better than him!

So if he thinks you should give up work-what's his solution for you supporting yourself & your daughter?!

Childminder? Are you in a university town? This would be a lovely job for a student. Another parent/share pick ups with their DC?

I agree with going back to court to clarify the court order means he collects from school and that means fro when school finishes.

How is the child maintenance dealt with? Via CMS. I bet he suddenly will find a way if his Child Maintenance goes up

Rubbish, he's her father and jointly responsible. Tell them (and him!) to stop talking nonsense! Of course they need his details! Anyway you can send them by email and copy him in. Why do people try to hide behind data protection rules they do not understand.

Effectively he needs to leave work 30-45 minutes early one day a week. That isn't hard for most jobs. Tell him to get off his bottom and ask. There's an Equality Act issue here too - your dd has mild SN. Employers need to take care of carers.

Why does he not want you to work? Would he pay spousal maintenance if you didn't? Nope, thought not. Tosser. I can see why he's an ex but that doesn't really help your situation.

school won't take his number

This is the bit I really can't understand. They do appreciate that your dd has two parents?

My son's school had my details and DH's details (although they always called me first if course, don't all schools call mothers first!)

But when my ds was at school I filled in the forms and gave DH's number! He didn't need to sign or provide the numbers separately.

Unless something has changed in process (the law has not changed since 2018) there is something very odd going on.

Maintenance is done via CMS but he drops it down whenever he feels like it for example when he picks DD up from Holiday Club because it's further away than school he takes the extra fuel costs of CM. Everytime CMS go for collect and pay from his wages his quits work for awhile. So he'd just quit work and say as he's not working he can't afford to see her in the week so I am still stuck - his parents can afford to support him for awhile if he quits work (and have done in the past).

His parents won't help me only him, if I ask they say to do it through their son. If he asks them they will help.

They are not easy to deal with in terms of family. I grit my teeth with them for DDs sake.

Emergency Contacts for school are me and my next door neighbour who has secondary aged children - but she also works so would only be able to do it if it was an absolute emergency where they couldn't get hold of me at all.

I will look for a child minder and/or talk to my manager. Always my fault.

@parkrun500club Their own policy is that in the case of seperated parents each person with PR fills out their own form with their own details. So even though I've put his number on the forms (and they likely have it written down somewhere) there own policy says because he hasn't given it to them and given them permission to use it they can't call him so he's not down as a contact.

Similarly DD gets two copies of any letters, reports etc but of course they come home via me because they don't have his address to send it to even though I've given it to them because he hasn't given it or given permission for it to be used then everything comes to me twice for me to pass on.

Disregarding your ex completely as it is very clear he won’t try and put himself out for his own dd. You are doing right by her trying to facilitate her relationship with her dad but it must be frustrating.

just picking up on what you said about her doing other activities on the other evenings reducing the need for ASC.
Is there anything at all available on the remaining evening even if it wouldn’t be something you or she would choose usually? Or tutoring even if she doesn’t need/want it?

How fixed is your finish time - any way you can finish your office day early if you do some wfh as soon as you have collected dd?

Can ex’s mother help at all if you could make it beneficial for her such as giving her money to take them both out for tea?

it might be that you have to faff around with several different solutions e.g. once a month you take a couple of hours leave. Another time your ex mil or other relative might step in? One or two reciprocal play dates? Ask around in the playground if anyone uses a cm?

You’ll need a childminder instead - and I’d tell him he will have to drop his mid week if he’s can’t be bothered. I just wouldn’t bother and know she’s with a childminder until you collect her

Another thought re ex pils - does your dd enjoy spending time with them?
I notice your post that only he not you can ask them. Dd is approaching an age where she will perhaps be communicating with her gps independently so this might ease things a tiny bit for example if she messaged them and asked if she could visit? (I’m not suggesting she asks for childcare of course but generally this could ease things all round)

You are doing right by her trying to facilitate her relationship with her dad

Tbh I sometimes wonder about this!

I will not be telling ExH to drop the mid week, if he chooses to then thats on him but if I do it he has a stick to beat me with to DD. Plus she wants to see her dad more than the 4 overnights a fortnight, why would I take 2 away from her?

@Nomorecoconutboosts She loves Ex-PILs, they look after her on ExHs nights more than ExH does, they have a really fluffy dog that I hear all about from DD when she's home. Thats a good suggestion about her asking if she can be with them until her dad can get to her on that night!

He sounds awful.
My DC goes to a childminder one afternoon a week. If there's one picking up from school anyway they might have a space, especially for an older child.

I'd stop that then. You're not his secretary. If he wants the information that parents get, he shares his contact details like parents do. I'd be telling school he can do his own admin, you do yours only.

This is his problem. If he doesn't want to engage, you'll have her another day and he can pay more CMS. repeat. repeat. repeat.

Does DD have any friends at school who have SAHPs who might take her home from school once a week and mind her for an hour?

Your ex sounds like an utter twat. Why do so many men act like spoilt brats when it comes to this sort of stuff? Is it an attempt to be controlling or something?

Before Mumsnet I never realised how much some fathers despise their children. I'm so sorry for you both that he is such a spiteful, childish, hateful piece of work who seems to delight in screwing over his actual child.

Not helpful that school facilitate this.

You poor thing.

I've no useful suggestions but what an absolute cunt he is.

The school sounds a bit difficult but is it worth asking them if they can make an exception for your DD as they will have some juniors still attending later (those with younger siblings)?

If you asked very politely and explained your issues and emphasised that you could be at risk of losing your job?

I know our head makes a few exceptions of a variety of sorts

If afterschool clubs run on other days, could you switch your work from home day so that you’re around to collect on a Friday?