Any ideas how we can solve 1 afternoon per week childcare headache?

[ChildCareMyProblemAgain]

ExH uses after school club 1 afternoon a week, picks DD (Year 5, aged 10) up from there then has her overnight. He finishes work at 5pm so usually picks up around 5.20/5.30pm.

From September school are reducing wraparounds hours from 5.30pm finish to a 4.45pm for juniors (Years 3-6) finish due to lack of demand. According to ExH DD is often the only child there when he goes to pick up which is obviously costing the school money to keep lights on, heating etc as well as two staff to stay with DD. They are staying open until 5pm for Infants (Years R-2) and juniors who have a younger sibling already at the Wraparound.

ExH lives 30 minutes’ drive from DDs school (so way to far for buses/walking) and DD has some slight learning difficulties and medical issues which means she’s not able to get the bus by herself to ExHs house and if she missed the bus she wouldn’t know what to do.

I work in the office on the days ExH has DD overnight which is over an hour away – the other days I can wfh but it was set as my office days deliberately due to ExHs arrangement – so I can’t help and ExH has said his work rejected have rejected for him to finish in time to pick up DD from wraparound.

School will not allow anyone under the age of 18 to pick up, and won’t allow DD to leave on her own (Can leave alone from after easter of Year 5 if all PR holders and the school agree the child is sensible enough, they do not think DD is sensible enough yet which I agree with)

I know it’s not technically my problem but ExH will make it my problem, so how can we solve this which doesn’t involve me giving up my job (which was his solution last time there was a childcare issue on his day, he just didn’t sort it and I was expected to)?

For context this is the only day DD has any kind of wraparound care, the other days I wfh so she has activities and things she goes to, I however do pay for the wraparound as ExH says thats what CM is for and also it's my choice to send her so I can work 🙄

Surely though your maintenance payments are reduced for the nights that she is with your ex-DH?

Let him sort it out, tell him and school in writing that they are his days and this is his number and stop paying for it.

@theeyeofdoe To ExH i choose to put her in childcare, so it's my problem. If I didn't work or wfh on those days we wouldn't need it, he won't pay for it or fix the issue, and won't give school his number so it then becomes my problem.

School don't care who pays for it as long as it's paid for, if it stops being paid for DD loses her place. ExH won't care, he'd prefer not to have her overnight in the week anyway so he'd just say no to having her if I pushed it so I'm then in need of the childcare anyway.

So yes it's my problem to solve.

Leave his number with school and tell them you're turning your phone off. They are being so pathetic. So is he. Childminder, babysitter, a booked taxi.

@LunaBunaD Have tried that and school won't take his number. It's not their job to enforce the order and they don't care who pays for the childcare or whose day it supposedly is as long as it's paid for.

It's my problem because to ExH if I wasn't working or wfh on those days we wouldn't need to use childcare, to him it's my choice/problem. He'd give up his overnight in the week if I pushed it so I need to solve this either way.

It's so frustrating when you have to deal with loser fathers like this, and to all those saying "just leave him to it" you don't seem to understand that these men just DON'T step up.

All that will happen is that mum will get a call in the office an hour away every week saying that her child hasn't been picked up and can she come and get her.

OP, are there any friendly TAs at the school that might want to make a bit of extra money after school who could watch her? Even if it's taking her to the local park &/or sitting in their car for half an hour until ex shows up?

I don’t believe for a minute that school don’t have his number and I don’t believe that after school club don’t have it. Absolute nonsense.

@LunaBunaD Situation is hugely frustrating for OP and her ex sounds awful. But, I can see it's not the school's problem to resolve

I think child minder / nanny / local student babysitter / reciprocal arrangement with a friend would be the only solutions

If neither parent collects child from school, I expect school would report to social work

Why do you want him to have the overnight? Take legal advice about enforcement of the order. If you are paying the childcare anyway you'd be best having her home after school and collect the extra maintenance. See how he likes that.

If the school are so sodding difficult they can at least let you have til 5pm like the other juniors who can't be picked up.

@ZenNudist It was what he wanted in court, but he's said he'd drop the overnight and make it my problem anyway if I push it.

Why? It's hardly beyond comprehension that this deadbeat wouldn't give his number to the school.

Perhaps try a childminder? Are there any local uni students in your area who are home for the holidays offering babysitting? I know in the last week our local FB has had 4 or 5 university or college students who are studying childcare/ education/ childminding and are home for the summer or finishing exams in the next couple of weeks offering after school, evening and weekend babysitting services. It would tide you through to September where ASC hours may be revised or if not gives you chance to get in with a CM.

What will you do in the summer holidays on his day when you are in the office? Could the care arrangement for holidays work for term time?

you shouldn’t have to solve this but look for a childminder to do 3-30- 5-30 and drop the asc all together. Will be less complicated than trying to plug half an hr, less stressful for you and DD and hopefully similar cost.

Apologies OP I misread your post

It's unfortunate that some men never get past the child stage of life. It sounds like OP's ex still thinks he is 13 years old and that all the women in his life are placed on this earth to care for him and cater to his needs.

If he won't sort it, you see a solicitor and revise the order. Why would you pay for childcare, from the maintenance money, and let him have her???

Might as well get him to give up the overnight and get more maintenance. What a dickhead.

@Caffeineislife ExHs mum or Holiday Club during holidays. The Holiday Club is actually open longer than schools wraparound - 7.45am - 6pm - schools wraparound is 8.15am-5pm.

Try an after school nanny type arrangement such as koru kids, or loyal (older) student who can do babysitting. Get them to pick her up and walk her home to your house.

I am so angry with your husband on your behalf!

do you have any flexibility to work a longer day on wfh days and a shorter day in the office?

Try an after school nanny type arrangement such as koru kids

Koru Kids have a 9h/week in term time minimum, so if you don't want to pay for that, you'll have to find an after-school nanny privately. But there are plenty of students and young people around in most large towns and cities whom it might suit. I'd try local Facebook or ad at any local unis/colleges.

This.. oh so sorry for you this is so unnecessarily stressful. Surely if he pleads his case with work they can be flexible it isn't much time. Has he really asked them ? Or asked enough times ? He is obv hoping he u will sort. Hope it gets sorted out .

Your ex is an arsehole (I can see why he's your ex!)
Only other thing I could think of would be to ask your work if you could possibly leave the office early on that one day and make up the time?
If not I'd tell him to do one, drop his day and claim more maintenence. Selfish immature little prick that he is

@ChildCareMyProblemAgain will ExH's mum do the pick up at all? Even if only until end of term?

It shouldn't be your problem to solve and really ExH should be asking his own mum. But unfortunately it sounds like ExH is a man child who expects the women in his life to cater for his needs and solve his problems.

I'm willing to bet my entire house on the ExH not even bothering to ask for flexible working and just saying no to OP.

I know many dads in a whole range of industries that have asked for flexible working or slight tweaks to hours to allow them to do drop offs or pick ups to wrap around and every single one of them was approved. Even the "strict 12hr shifts only" factory was absolutely fine for my friends DH to change his hours so he could do a pick up 1 night a week.

Would you be willing to go back to court to get the order changed? Or at least threaten to do so?

I'd give the option that either:

• contact commences at 9am (or whatever school start time is) so he is responsible for holiday club on that day during the holidays; or
• he loses that days contact and you will arrange for CMS to make the necessary amendments to the amount he owes due to him having her for one night a week less

Here's the thing with that - what if you had an accident, or were taken seriously ill or similar and there was nobody to pick up/look after DD? They need his contact details for safeguarding purposes.