Page 2 | Feeling sad about creche

mumspiration1997 · 2024-06-04T21:30:51+00:00

Aibu to send my 9 month old to creche 8minutes away from home for 1 day and 1 half day. Probably a total of 10 hours a week? I don't work but my husband works 7 days farmer and I have an older child (who went to creche at 6months while I worked) is at school now. Money isn't really an issue to an extent. DC is due to start in a week or so and the guilt is consuming me I can hardly sleep or eat. My husband says it will be good for him to socialise but I feel so bad as I'm not at work. I don't ever get a minute but isn't that what motherhood is about? Part of me feels like I'll actually get a day to do housework and catch up on life admin and maybe get to do something special with my older child each week . But the guilt is eating me. I don't know the creche very well as it's a different area as to where my older child went. Perhaps that isn't helping. Aibu? Should I send DC or keep at home?

Dinosweetpea · 04/06/2024 22:53

I would wait until they are 1 and reassess. 9 months is young if you don't have to send them.

Original poster

mumspiration1997 · 04/06/2024 22:56

shicho · 04/06/2024 22:53

@mumspiration1997 it is clear that you have posted to seek validation for wanting to send your 9 month old to the crèche. This is obviously something you feel you need. There is no shame in that, you don’t have to justify it! I was a lone parent and stayed off work for the full year with ds, by month ten I was finding it draining and not enjoying it at all. He went at 12 months for three days a week and I can’t say he started to enjoy it until around 14 months or so… BUT it was the right decision overall because I was on my knees with exhaustion. I was a much better mother when he stated nursery three days. You know what you want and need to do and what will make you the best mother - that’s always the right thing to do. These things are flexible anyway… if you send them and two months later you can’t bare it then take them out. But it will be fine. So here is the permission you are after. Have confidence in your decisions.

Your exactly right. Thank you. I find it hard with all my family 3 hours away by plane. It can be lonely and I think my husband will just say whatever suits me he's just that type of nature and I've not "worked" in a few years and have maybe lost my confidence in decisions.

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Original poster

mumspiration1997 · 04/06/2024 22:57

RandomButtons · 04/06/2024 22:53

Do you have anyone helping with milking?

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A few family members a few days and PT farmhand. Financially couldn't handle another farm hand.

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PoochiesPinkEars · 04/06/2024 22:59

If the crèche is good I think why not... I sent my ds at that age also for 1.5 days and it was a good age to start as it was before they get really stranger averse, my ds's key worker doted on him and he was happy there, it certainly didn't do him any harm and whether he got more out of going than if he'd stayed at home I don't know as it's impossible to measure, but it was of zero detriment and helped me massively!

Can you spend a bit of time at the crèche with him to meet the staff yourself and increase your comfort with who they are? I think it's hard to leave your child with people you don't know in blind faith.

shicho · 04/06/2024 23:00

mumspiration1997 · 04/06/2024 22:56

Your exactly right. Thank you. I find it hard with all my family 3 hours away by plane. It can be lonely and I think my husband will just say whatever suits me he's just that type of nature and I've not "worked" in a few years and have maybe lost my confidence in decisions.

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@mumspiration1997 nothing is ever perfect. Whatever you do will have some downsides. But realistically if you are there for you ds the 95% of the rest of the week, ten hours or so at a crèche is really not an issue. Think of it in a more flexible way, you can always change your mind back again but it sounds like right now that this plan is the best one. You are clearly a lovely mum to even be weighing it all up so much. Now go and get your haircut 👍🏻

DuckEggy · 04/06/2024 23:00

Perhaps you could get a cleaner combined with child minder - someone prepared to give you a hand with cleaning but also looking after the baby.

PoochiesPinkEars · 04/06/2024 23:01

If you wait until he's 1, that's during the development phase when stranger aversion is stronger and settling him in would be harder than now.

PoochiesPinkEars · 04/06/2024 23:02

shicho · 04/06/2024 23:00

@mumspiration1997 nothing is ever perfect. Whatever you do will have some downsides. But realistically if you are there for you ds the 95% of the rest of the week, ten hours or so at a crèche is really not an issue. Think of it in a more flexible way, you can always change your mind back again but it sounds like right now that this plan is the best one. You are clearly a lovely mum to even be weighing it all up so much. Now go and get your haircut 👍🏻

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Yep, agree with this.

RandomButtons · 04/06/2024 23:03

mumspiration1997 · 04/06/2024 22:57

A few family members a few days and PT farmhand. Financially couldn't handle another farm hand.

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If crèche works out cheaper for you then it’s a perfectly valid option.

If you don’t want him to go to crèche then it’s perfectly fine to say that too.

Original poster

mumspiration1997 · 04/06/2024 23:03

PoochiesPinkEars · 04/06/2024 22:59

If the crèche is good I think why not... I sent my ds at that age also for 1.5 days and it was a good age to start as it was before they get really stranger averse, my ds's key worker doted on him and he was happy there, it certainly didn't do him any harm and whether he got more out of going than if he'd stayed at home I don't know as it's impossible to measure, but it was of zero detriment and helped me massively!

Can you spend a bit of time at the crèche with him to meet the staff yourself and increase your comfort with who they are? I think it's hard to leave your child with people you don't know in blind faith.

Hey thank you. Yes the creche does a settling in where u start with 15mins and then 30mins and then an hour where I stay and then I go away for 1 hour then 2 hours and phase out.

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Jobqualifications · 04/06/2024 23:05

I’d jump at the chance for some time to yourself! there’s no need for guilt at all! Whilst I agree socialisation isn’t necessary at 9 months…..socialisation for you is! If you have a bit of time for yourself to relax, follow hobbies, maintain friendships….i reckon you’ll be a more engaging and interesting mother! You don’t need to drudge through it just because you feel you should!

Peasnbeans · 04/06/2024 23:06

No-one who is not part of a farming household with livestock will ever understand, in my experience. It's not like you get a day off, it's a lifestyle.
YANBU either to need a break from your 9month old and other child and elderly relatives and calves and running the household.
Take a day, do the farm books for half of it and house admin for the other half.
This is okay.

LordSnot · 04/06/2024 23:08

I was all ready to say go for it but I was thinking the child would be 2+. At 10 months I can't see any benefit to her and a full day away from you is a lot.

You matter too and you deserve some down time, but maybe two half days?

Original poster

mumspiration1997 · 04/06/2024 23:09

LordSnot · 04/06/2024 23:08

I was all ready to say go for it but I was thinking the child would be 2+. At 10 months I can't see any benefit to her and a full day away from you is a lot.

You matter too and you deserve some down time, but maybe two half days?

Yes perhaps 2 half days I'd maybe feel a lot better with that actually. I think it was a full day that was scaring me

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Original poster

mumspiration1997 · 04/06/2024 23:10

Peasnbeans · 04/06/2024 23:06

No-one who is not part of a farming household with livestock will ever understand, in my experience. It's not like you get a day off, it's a lifestyle.
YANBU either to need a break from your 9month old and other child and elderly relatives and calves and running the household.
Take a day, do the farm books for half of it and house admin for the other half.
This is okay.

Amen!!!! A lot of well meaning friends say he needs to do more and why can't u come sure he works at home basically he's always off . It couldn't be farther from the truth. But yes it's a lifestyle and we love it for the most part must be mad. Thanks :)

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LordSnot · 04/06/2024 23:10

mumspiration1997 · 04/06/2024 23:09

Yes perhaps 2 half days I'd maybe feel a lot better with that actually. I think it was a full day that was scaring me

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That sounds like the best of both worlds. Your baby gets to experience new things and learn to be away from you for short periods and you get a good chunk of time with less stress.

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 04/06/2024 23:11

mumspiration1997 · 04/06/2024 22:43

I would be fully inclined to agree with you normally and fully had this attitude with the older child. Took my day off to myself and them in daycare. Feel different 10 years on and a bit guilty 😔

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Please don't feel guilty! YANBU at all sending the baby to crèche for 1 day and a half per week, if will be good for you and for them so a win-win!

Too much worrying about mothers being away from children, when there's none at all about a father being away from a family all day! Be kind to yourself x

Original poster

mumspiration1997 · 04/06/2024 23:11

Jobqualifications · 04/06/2024 23:05

I’d jump at the chance for some time to yourself! there’s no need for guilt at all! Whilst I agree socialisation isn’t necessary at 9 months…..socialisation for you is! If you have a bit of time for yourself to relax, follow hobbies, maintain friendships….i reckon you’ll be a more engaging and interesting mother! You don’t need to drudge through it just because you feel you should!

Thank you. I am loving this vibe lol 🙌 I don't think we should drudge through things. No medals for being a martyr. Need to practice what I preach

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LondonLass61 · 04/06/2024 23:15

Comedycook · 04/06/2024 22:41

You sound like you have a lot on your plate.

Instead of paying for childcare, maybe you'd be better off paying for a cleaner or meal delivery service for all this food you're having to cook. Or getting carers for the elderly relatives.

Yes - get carers in.

CelesteCunningham · 04/06/2024 23:15

mumspiration1997 · 04/06/2024 22:50

Ahh it's a very long story. I'm not from the area I live and these are grandparents of mine who are from here and I have partly inherited and partly bought farm outbuildings land acres etc.

It's very awkward but this agreement was me helping them. They also have private carers and overnight stays etc it's not all on me but I have to milk calves look after husband look after children we have an airbnb to manage there isn't enough hours in the day.

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So you are working then! You have a lot on your plate, if you'd be fine with childcare for paid employment, why not for all you have on?

Your child doesn't need nursery for socialisation now, clearly, but they will before you know it and they'll already be settled and happy.

Sounds like you could use more childcare rather than less tbh.

Rookangaroo4 · 04/06/2024 23:17

I think you saying you don’t work isn’t right really, helping support elderly relatives, milking and running an air B&B is working!

He doesn’t need to socialise obviously but it certainly won’t hurt him so don’t feel guilty.

Original poster

mumspiration1997 · 04/06/2024 23:34

Rookangaroo4 · 04/06/2024 23:17

I think you saying you don’t work isn’t right really, helping support elderly relatives, milking and running an air B&B is working!

He doesn’t need to socialise obviously but it certainly won’t hurt him so don’t feel guilty.

I know 😆 🤣 should really say "don't get a giro wage end off month" cus I bloody well work more than I ever have

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lanani · 04/06/2024 23:59

I'm a sahm and I'll be sending my dd to a preschool at almost 2.5 years so I get the importance of getting a break. I don't work nearly as hard as OP as no elderly relatives to care for and DH works normal hours so he's around to help a fair bit. I think shorter morning sessions over several days is more optimal if you can get those hours, or I would look at other ways to reduce the burden on you - employing a carer for the elderly relatives, a mother's help or cleaner for the house, employing another person on the farm, to free you to focus on the baby.

Everydayimhuffling · 05/06/2024 06:47

Two mornings would help the baby settle better. For complicated reasons I had to send mine to one nursery for 2 days and another one day each week for several months. They never settled at the one day place.

Other than that, it's totally fair to need a break. Do think about what you need a break from and maybe look at a cleaner, another carer for grandparents or more farm help if one of those options might be better or a good extra thing for you.

daffodilandtulip · 05/06/2024 07:17

You say you don't work, but later you say you help on the farm and you care for two relatives. That's work. Don't de-value yourself.