Mum talking about other people's illnesses

[CheeseDreamsTonight]

God I sound so unkind even typing this out. I chat to my mum daily, nice chit chats about all sorts, daily check in etc. Lately however she has started telling me about other people's illnesses in detail every time I speak to her. I don't know any of these people. I don't think she even knows most of them.

AIBU to find this quite draining? I am sad for the families of these people but I don't know any of them. Nor does she. I don't know what I want from this thread really.

Do people do this as they get older? I suppose so many people they know are ill. I think she likes telling me about it but it's so hard to listen to.

All my MIL ever bangs on about is other people's illnesses, and my sils unhappy marriage

This is my MIL too - constantly telling me stories about illnesses or the death of people i've never met or who are long dead. Stories about other people's misfortune are regaled enthusiastically and urgently. It's soul destroying. It's mainly because she has no news of her own. When i tried to tell her recently that I was upset as a v close friend was extremely ill she was totally disinterested - more or less said she didn't care as she didn't know them which really upset me. DH had words with her afterwards ( love my DH)

There is usually at least one random who has just died in my telephone calls with my mother. She likes going to their funerals too. In fairness she is a very chatty lady who does know a lot of elderly people.

Yes. People get like this as they get older. I think the constant reminders they have of their own mortality as friends, neighbours, acquaintances etc pass away must get ever more pressing. Just listen, be kind, and remember that it’s harder for her than you.

My mother does this, and if there are no illnesses, she’ll do car accidents, bereavements, bits of bad luck, exam failures, children needing surgery etc. In her case, it’s not age-related, she’s always done it. I think it’s because (a) she has no news of her own and (b) other people’s good news makes he feel powerless and resentful, as her own life hasn’t featured much of either and she’s terribly disappointed in her children (I mean, we’re not criminals or anything, she just wanted us to get married and have loads of children, whereas three of us are childfree by choice and I have one by choice), so bad news makes her feel good under the guise of sympathy. I mean, she’s unaware of it making her feel powerful, but I think that’s absolutely the case.

What you are hearing here is a projection of your mother’s fears of illness and death

That.

I don't talk about this stuff, but the fear is real. Getting old is not for the weak.
I used to take life and health for granted. But all of a sudden you reach the point where it hits you that it's not forever. Doctors appointments used to be years apart. Suddenly they're months apart. Friends die. Spouses die. You look at your little DGCs and are hit by the fact that you probably won't be around to see them reach adulthood. That you won't be around to support your own kids through life.

And you either try to shut that away but it preys on your mind anyway (if you're me) or you talk about this stuff a lot, I can only assume to try to normalise it.

As far as talking about people you don't know it's understandable. My life has shrunk a bit, and my life and my DCs' lives have diverged. They have far more to tell me (that would interest me) than I have to tell them (that they have the slightest interest in). The things that happen in their life probably involve my DGCs. The things that happen in mine involve people they don't know. I'd struggle to have a daily conversation with them without boring them to tears.

I went through all this with my mum, so I try not to do it to my kids. But I do now understand where it comes from.

My mum did this constantly. Used to drive me mad as every time we spoke (pretty much every day!) she would give me updates about people I had never met. Then she died last year (age 67) and now I would give anything for those meaningless chats on the way home from work.

Easy for me to say in hindsight but just humour her. And try to change the subject occasionally!

My mum also did this, along with not having interest in my life at all. I don't think there is a way to stop or deflect. I just used to zone out, but she made this more difficult by giving me a nudge with her bony elbow when she noticed I had stopped listening. She also used to try to dominate chat during family events. It was all very difficult.

My mum's a rascal for talking about people's illnesses. As an ex-nurse (retired from nursing in the late 1970s) she regards herself as having expertise in health matters and particularly enjoys a bit of victim blaming, sometimes highly tangential ("Elsie used to go on that cabbage soup diet, maybe that's why she's having all these problems with her bladder") and talking about the good self-help advice she's giving these people. Her own health issues are not her fault in the slightest, of course!

I occasionally resort to, "Has Jimmy from the whist club, who has never met me, actually asked you to find out what your daughter thinks he should do about the ulcers on his stump?" But normally I just accept that it's her social currency and avoid mentioning health issues DH or the children might have because I won't have them used for gossip.

my mum always did this all her life ,constant gossiping about people she didn't know , but knew of because her SIL knew them and would talk about them. She would start the conversation something like this "You know Tracy Smith ? "(not real name) I say No and she'd reply :Married to Dave Smith" - still no. "Well anyway ...." and then the gossip would come, sometimes about ailments or what they where having done to the house or new car , where they were going on holiday etc I didn't care didn't know them and it wasted my time, every single time we saw each other and it is draining. I'm so glad I don't have that in my life since I went no contact .That's not the reason, there any many

My mil started this and we fixed it with a firm 'we don't want to know about other people's illnesses it's morbid and depressing please don't discuss it with us'. Worked perfectly.

Not that she did it all the time, but my DM was once telling me about a friend who had been diagnosed with some very rare disease.

My DF chimed in with, ‘FGS don’t tell Trudie (DM’s relative who always had to be one-up) - she’ll know someone who’s had it twice.’ 😂

I think its because medical issues are predominantly in older people's lives.

My DM and Daunt do this - myself and Dcousin laugh about it and wonder if we will be the same when older. DM doesn't do anything since covid so it's about the only thing she can talk about really.

The bit that makes me smile is when I ask how DM and DF are, there's usually a litany of minor complaints, but if there isn't DM will say "Okay - for today anyway!" in this really suspicious voice.

My mum (79) does this. People I've never met but it's not just health stuff it's every bloody thing going on in their life. Yet if I start talking about anyone I know (whether she's met them or not) then she glazes over and/or gets off the phone

You might regret that in the future when they're no longer around

Yeah my mum.does this ,she phoned me up to let me know of the sad death of somebody her and my dad used to be friends with in the 70 ,s who i haven't seen since about 1978 when I was five
Or she will say you know " sheila" who lives at number 43 ,no I have never met her and then tell me a long convoluted tale about Sheila's granddaughter but she's 82 bless her .

If it’s any consolation, my own nanna threatened her imminent death for a good 10-15 years.

Can we also add redacting history to suit their narrative. “Oh Jim, such a dapper man, always wore the finest suit” when Jim actually was seen wearing a suit once in his entire life. “Carol, such an unhappy child, always crying” when Carol, a happy well adjusted child, had one tantrum at an event in 1976.

If someone starts giving me too many medical details I don’t want, I just say I’m squeamish and it’s too much info.

My mum does this, not just illnesses, but horrific car accidents and other shite she sees on TV. I think it's some kind of anxiety.

My grandma does this too and she's 100 times worse. She used to be a nurse and when I announced my pregnancy, I got several stories of horrific miscarriages and a stillbirth she had helped with. Thanks grandma.

Even when you're super rude and direct and tell her to STOP, she just doesn't. She just goes on and on and on and on. Think some dementia is probably kicking in.

MIL used to do this.

The best was when I had just told her I had a brain tumour. "Oh yes, XX's second cousin had that. She died."

I do realise I am lucky to have her to chat to still. She didn't always do this and isn't that old but I do think her world is smaller since she retired.

I didn't think maybe it could be anxiety. She's always been super fit and still is but maybe mid 60s she's starting to feel older. She does emphasise illnesses in those who are younger than or close to her age.

My dad does this too, in fact he tells me all about his friends lives despite me never having met any of these people! It’s very annoying however my mum dies 18 months ago so I guess he doesn’t have her to tell these things to - and she loved hearing about this kind of stuff. Luckily my brother and I text regularly to vent about him so that helps.

It's what DM's do. It's in their DMA. You'll do it too in 50 years. See also collect tea towels and enjoy Countryfile.