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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum talking about other people's illnesses

88 replies

CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/06/2024 18:51

God I sound so unkind even typing this out. I chat to my mum daily, nice chit chats about all sorts, daily check in etc. Lately however she has started telling me about other people's illnesses in detail every time I speak to her. I don't know any of these people. I don't think she even knows most of them.

AIBU to find this quite draining? I am sad for the families of these people but I don't know any of them. Nor does she. I don't know what I want from this thread really.

Do people do this as they get older? I suppose so many people they know are ill. I think she likes telling me about it but it's so hard to listen to.

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CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/06/2024 22:19

@PurpleChrayn but is there any way to stop it! I do try and change the subject but she seems genuinely interested and I don't want to be horrible to her.

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Menomeno · 04/06/2024 22:21

My mother all over. I nipped round yesterday and was immediately regaled with two deaths (both people I’ve never met), a stroke, a heart failure hospital admission, and a bunions operation. She never has any kind of positive news. It’s utterly soul sapping.

Readmorebooks40 · 04/06/2024 22:21

Every single time I speak to my mum it's doom and gloom. It's family members, people from the town we're from, tragedies on the news. I have the worst health anxiety and she still tells me about people dying most of whom I don't know. It's definitely an age thing and also an Irish catholic mammy thing. She goes to a lot of wakes, funerals and masses. It's her social life. 🙈

CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/06/2024 22:23

It really is a thing people do isn't it?! I feel awful for not feeling much when she tells me but I just can't rustle anything much up as they are strangers and it's constant.

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ThePoshUns · 04/06/2024 22:24

My mother is the same, if it's not illness it's slagging off everyone she knows. It's so draining.

CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/06/2024 22:25

The news stories is a thing too. I don't really keep up with the doom and gloom stories but she is always shocked when I don't know what she's talking about.

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BashfulClam · 04/06/2024 22:27

Yes! Mil, her neighbour sadly lost a leg and she never stops banging on about it and it’s constant ‘how does she cope with stairs? I don’t know how she cord!’ This has now been interspersed with intrusive questions about my mums recent ill health. She was most put out when I said I didn’t want to talk about it, it’s personal and upsetting. She knows everyone’s medical issues but if you asked her my Employer and job she wouldn’t have a clue.

Tiptoptum · 04/06/2024 22:29

My mum does this. I had cancer several years ago, mentally I cannot deal with cancer and she knows this.
So every time I see her she regales me with the tales of who has died recently, from cancer and how awful it was.
My face says it all, my saying “please don’t tell me this” should give even more of an idea, but no, she just says it faster so she can get it out anyway.

She also moans about all her friends.

AnnaMagnani · 04/06/2024 22:33

I change the subject, fill the conversation with my own news or zone out.

As you get older, people have more illnesses. All her friends probably spend a lot of their time talking to each other about their assorted illnesses. It becomes a totally normal topic of conversation.

Just be pleased if your mum doesn't do it with extra snark about how Judy's diabetes is all her own fault and you should see the size of the cake she ate this morning. And so on.

Summertimer · 04/06/2024 22:35

This is 100% how most older people are. In my experience be glad she doesn’t throw a lot of parties, meaning you have to meet them all and/or all their other friends who are talking about the same kind of thing

AnnaMagnani · 04/06/2024 22:37

@Summertimer are you my sister? Grin

mitogoshi · 04/06/2024 22:45

My ex mil did this, her opening gambit would be you know bla bla from 45 a n other street, she died followed by mrs y from by the pub, she's having a double mastectomy, mr chip shop owner has diabetes and so on, 30 minutes later she would say she needed to go without asking about the kids, us though she might ask after the dog. She wondered why I didn't call her after getting divorced! (I have no issues talking to her but I don't know these people!)

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/06/2024 23:00

I think people adjust their topics of conversational small talk according to the focus of their life at that time. All ages groups do it. A lot of younger parents like talking about their babies' and toddlers' development to others they bump into. Teenagers talk about bands or singers they like or gaming or whatever or 16-18 options. People of working age whose children have grown up tend to talk about work hassles with management, issues with elderly parents, their children's uni lives, etc.

So for elderly people, unless they are still doing a part time job or volunteering or going to the WI or on the parish council or go travelling regularly i.e. somewhere there is a specific focus, what conversation are they going to be experiencing day to day? It's probably just the small talk and chit chat of others they bump into or go for a coffee with. And the first question they'd probably ask that neighbour they bump into putting the bins out, and their mate Norma they saw at lunch on Tuesday, or the man who owns the cornershop when they went in for a loaf of bread is "how are you, how have you been?" And of course the very first thing most people would respond with is LITERALLY how they've been.

If all the people they bump into or go for lunch with are a similar age to them then it stands to reason their response to "how have you been?" might not actually be "fine, thanks, great" like most younger people might say, but more "well, I've had a terrible chest infection actually, and Dave was in hospital the week before last with something similar. But we're lucky, at least we're getting over it - did you hear about poor Carol who used to work in the florist? She dropped dead suddenly at home last week.!"

Their life basically becomes a list of who they bumped into/met up with and how well they are (or not) at the moment. So that's often the only "news" they have to tell their families when they see them. I think you probably have to make a concerted effort when you're older to make your topics of conversation with family more varied eg politics, developments in your local area, books you've been reading or newspaper articles you read that day, a holiday or trip you took somewhere new, something to do with your hobby that you learned, a concert you saw, a new restaurant or recipe you tried. If you don't actually DO many varied things from day to day then yes, your life is going to be very "small".

I have a feeling I'm going to be in the "small life" elderly group when I'm older, I'm quite happy just pottering about when I'm off work (apart from travelling and I'm sure when I'm a lot older my health won't allow me to do that forever). I'll be boring my boys senseless when they're older, even more than I do in middle age now !

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/06/2024 23:05

mitogoshi · 04/06/2024 22:45

My ex mil did this, her opening gambit would be you know bla bla from 45 a n other street, she died followed by mrs y from by the pub, she's having a double mastectomy, mr chip shop owner has diabetes and so on, 30 minutes later she would say she needed to go without asking about the kids, us though she might ask after the dog. She wondered why I didn't call her after getting divorced! (I have no issues talking to her but I don't know these people!)

Yes, it's strange how they can be so interested in such and such from down the road's hip operation but never think to ask anything more than a couple of surface questions about your own life! "Work alright?" - they don't REALLY want to know the issues you've been having in work or that you've been thinking of applying for other jobs are you're unhappy. They just want to know that everything is ok in your life and tick that box off as one less person to have to worry about. 😆

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/06/2024 23:10

SpiritAdder · 04/06/2024 21:42

I think it is an age thing. My neighbours are mostly retired and 70+ and they warned DH and I about “sniper’s alley” aka your 50s/60s that we are getting closer to. Apparently that is when you start to lose a lot of friends your age due to cancer, heart disease, stroke, suicide. They do seem to feel like death is right around the corner and they are watching old friends slowly being picked off. I can understand why they would want to talk about it as it seems a way to process their own mortality.

I remember reading an article in a newspaper a year or so ago about that. It was saying that some health professionals acknowledge it exists and talking about ways you can improve your health as you enter middle age. I'd never heard of the term "sniper's alley" in that context so did mention it to a couple of people in work. Perhaps they thought I was being morbid!

Bobloblaw84 · 04/06/2024 23:12

This is an old person thing. Every time I speak to my MIL there is a new ailment. I can’t stand it.

Marmaladelover · 04/06/2024 23:15

What a miserable lot you youngsters are Grin !
My parents especially my mum have moved on to tell me who’s died recently.
just wait, ……

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/06/2024 23:17

CheeseDreamsTonight · 04/06/2024 22:19

@PurpleChrayn but is there any way to stop it! I do try and change the subject but she seems genuinely interested and I don't want to be horrible to her.

Can you kind of make a joke of it and within a minute or two of meeting up with her say with a wink "Now, then, Mum, come on, I know you're dying to tell me - who is it who's died this week?" She probably doesn't even realises she's doing it so if you lightheartedly ask her about it as if you're aware it's her favourite topic of conversation, maybe she'll try not to do it?

ThinWomansBrain · 04/06/2024 23:21

It gets worse - after the illness phase, they get obsessed with funerals & how many they can attend.
DS was in high dudgeon that she'd not been invited to the funeral of a man she bought a house from 30+ years ago. Knew when and where it was, but had not received a personal invitation🙄

GrinAndBeerIt · 04/06/2024 23:22

My parents are the walking, talking oracle of birth, death, marriages and everything in between.
I just nod and shake my head while making appropriate noises.

CheeseDreamsTonight · 05/06/2024 06:51

@AnnaMagnani oh there is no snark so far, thank goodness. I agree, she spends a lot of time with my Nan so it's likely a totally normal conversation for them.

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CheeseDreamsTonight · 05/06/2024 06:54

@CurlyhairedAssassin you are right, it is since she has retired and has likely spent more time with people her age and my nan's age too, who actually aren't ok when asked.

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CheeseDreamsTonight · 05/06/2024 06:55

@CurlyhairedAssassin ha ha that's not a bad idea!

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menopausalmare · 05/06/2024 06:56

My mum went through this phase. It moved on to the passive/aggressive "Marian's going to be a grandmother for the 12th time...." . nudge, nudge hint, hint when are you going to meet someone and have children?

CheeseDreamsTonight · 05/06/2024 06:56

@ThinWomansBrain the funeral thing has started!! It's only going to get worse I think... I'll just have to strap in for the ride and nod along

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