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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To disappear for a while?

58 replies

bendy75 · 04/06/2024 11:51

I am recently widowed (3 months) and have a 11 year old son, we have had an awful year and as much as I appreciate the support I have had, I really feel like I want to escape from it all.

I was thinking of an extended holiday, just me and my son (in the summer hols), for perhaps 3 or 4 weeks, in a cottage somewhere lovely and peaceful, however I have been told from quite a few friends and family this is a terrible idea, it's selfish and a waste of my deceased husbands money (in laws), I do know they are grieving too but I feel I actually need this.

Has anyone been in this situation? Did it help at all?

OP posts:
nootropiccoffee · 04/06/2024 11:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

whyey · 04/06/2024 11:57

Sounds like a very good idea if you think it would help you and your son. Mum mum did this with me and my sisters after my dad died when we were young. For a month I think. We went abroad. Whatever gets you through x

Nonewclothes2024 · 04/06/2024 11:58

Absolutely do it , if you want to.
Tell them to bugger off.

The4teddybears · 04/06/2024 12:00

Sorry for you loss.
I’ve not been in that situation but it sounds like a great idea to me.
Maybe consider a 2 centre holiday - somewhere busier where your son won’t get bored and somewhere where you can both enjoy the peace and relax,
That way you get the best of both worlds .
Ignore the people saying don’t do it, because as you have discovered - life’s too short .
It’s not selfish at all. Look after yourself and your son

Ponoka7 · 04/06/2024 12:01

As long as it would suit your son. Disappearing for the summer holidays can really have a negative effect on friendships at this age. Is he starting high school this year, or is it his second year? Because they've mentioned money, I'd ignore them.

IWantToBeASleepingCat · 04/06/2024 12:01

Definitely do it.
Not the same but after my husband left me ( affair) l went Greek island hopping with my 12 year old daughter for a month.
Gosh it helped.
Good luck and sorry for your loss.

ThatLuckyDog · 04/06/2024 12:02

I’m sorry for your loss OP. 💐

I think you need to trust your instincts. It is really tough to process, it’s life-changing and a formative event for your son. How things go in this next period -the actions you take, could affect the course of the rest of your son’s life. It could be really beneficial and healing for the two of you to have a bonding time, as long as you don’t just leave your son rattling around on his own in a strange place while you stare out of the window.

3 weeks isn’t that long, is it? If you are savvy, it doesn’t need to cost the Earth. If money is really tight, there may even be a Children In Need charity or some such thing which could help you out.

I personally find nature and the outdoors very healing.

Chasingsquirrels · 04/06/2024 12:05

Of course it wouldn't be unreasonable!
Selfish - ffs, if you can't put yourself and your son first when your husband has died when on earth can you??
Waste of husband's money - it is (presumably) your money now, not his, and you are free to do with it what you want.

I'm not sure how much it will help or not. You'll probably have more of an idea of that for yourself.

I know that for myself when late-DH died the main "thing" that "helped" was the passage of time, and much as you might want to in the moment you can't hurry that along.
I took my boys away in the UK just after the funeral for a week, although my mum also came with us.
I also took them away for a week abroad that summer, about 4 or 5 months later.

I hope you find some peace.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 04/06/2024 12:06

Do whatever works for you and your son everyone grieves differently and yours sounds like a great idea.

magicstar1 · 04/06/2024 12:06

I can’t advise about the holiday, but the money is none of your in-laws business. It’s not your husband’s money, it’s yours, and your choice on how to spend it.
I hope you have the best summer you can x.

Blackbeardsvest · 04/06/2024 12:07

If there's ever a time you're allowed to be 'selfish' (not that what you want to do is selfish!) it's now OP. What other people think isn't important here, doing what feels right for you and your son is what matters. Other people are of course grieving your DH too but that doesn't mean they get to dictate how you grieve Flowers

IfMichaelMosleysVoiceWasWrittenasMusicalScore · 04/06/2024 12:08

Do what you need to do @bendy75 . These people telling you it's a bad idea aren't even wearing your shoes let along walking in them, what would they know.

Flowers
onceagainhereiam · 04/06/2024 12:09

Do it.

When my three sons passed away, I booked a holiday a few weeks afterwards and went away. Best thing I did for myself, helped me feel a bit more normal.

Whatifitallgoesright · 04/06/2024 12:10

Lost my partner nearly 2 months ago. 14 yr old son. Absolutely go away. Ignore the disapproval. If they truly cared they would support you in doing something that you believe you would really help you and your son. Get him involved in what he'd like and not like to do and where. Go for it right now before booking and prices become really difficult. Much love to you. X

tweedbankline · 04/06/2024 12:10

As others say it's up to you

But Why do they say it's a bad idea ?

I'd be worried for a friend doing this - without someone on hand to support / hug

Boomer55 · 04/06/2024 12:11

bendy75 · 04/06/2024 11:51

I am recently widowed (3 months) and have a 11 year old son, we have had an awful year and as much as I appreciate the support I have had, I really feel like I want to escape from it all.

I was thinking of an extended holiday, just me and my son (in the summer hols), for perhaps 3 or 4 weeks, in a cottage somewhere lovely and peaceful, however I have been told from quite a few friends and family this is a terrible idea, it's selfish and a waste of my deceased husbands money (in laws), I do know they are grieving too but I feel I actually need this.

Has anyone been in this situation? Did it help at all?

Do what you need to do. My in-laws (adult step kids) were bloody awful to me when DH died.

I stuck two fingers up at them, and shunted them out of my life.

Condolences on your loss. 💐

MILTOBE · 04/06/2024 12:11

I'm so sorry you lost your husband. It must be really tough for both of you.

It sounds as though your husband's family are jealous that your shared money is now yours, as if you wouldn't give everything back to have him with you. It's so insulting.

I think you're sharing too much information with them. How often do you see them?

NotTram · 04/06/2024 12:12

bendy75 · 04/06/2024 11:51

I am recently widowed (3 months) and have a 11 year old son, we have had an awful year and as much as I appreciate the support I have had, I really feel like I want to escape from it all.

I was thinking of an extended holiday, just me and my son (in the summer hols), for perhaps 3 or 4 weeks, in a cottage somewhere lovely and peaceful, however I have been told from quite a few friends and family this is a terrible idea, it's selfish and a waste of my deceased husbands money (in laws), I do know they are grieving too but I feel I actually need this.

Has anyone been in this situation? Did it help at all?

Yes and yes it did.

MILTOBE · 04/06/2024 12:12

onceagainhereiam · 04/06/2024 12:09

Do it.

When my three sons passed away, I booked a holiday a few weeks afterwards and went away. Best thing I did for myself, helped me feel a bit more normal.

Oh I'm so sorry - you lost three sons? That's horrendous.

Bouledeneige · 04/06/2024 12:15

I'm sorry for your loss OP. That's awfully sad. I can't quite believe your in laws are so unkind.

I'd say do what you feel right - but check with your DS what he'd like to do. A month is quite a long time to be cut off from friends when you're young.

Limth · 04/06/2024 12:17

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Can I answer from a slightly different perspective? My dad died when I was 13. It wouldn't have been possible at the time because of our circumstances but a long break somewhere lovely with just my mum would've really helped.

It felt like there was so much going on, it all felt very claustrophobic, and it felt like there was no 'way out' of the shit that life had become. For me, I think taking time together to bond, to have fun, and to see that there's a whole life and a whole world outside of grief, admin and family drama would've really helped me.

Take care of yourself, OP. And be selfish.

Dryplate · 04/06/2024 12:20

What does your son think? That would be my only concern, would you be removing him from his support network (friends and wider family) for most of his school holiday?

When my DH died, my sons talked to their friends much more than I realised at the time.

Dryplate · 04/06/2024 12:21

PS, as a widow you will be judged for everything you ever do, especially what you spend your money on and who you mix with. Do not give any of that any thought at all.

keffie12 · 04/06/2024 12:22

@Bendy75 I was also widowed 6 years ago, so I know where you are. People do love to stick their noses in and say/ do the most inappropriate things.

I had terrible problems with some of my late husband family of origin, too. "Fortunately," for me being in my 50s, our eldest son took over and dealt with them.

Two of them are NC and will remain that way. Long story, but threats of violence aren't appreciated, and no, they didn't come to the funeral either.

Back to you, it's none of their business where you go and what you do. I advise you to tell them as little as possible from now on.

I suggest you say something like, "I hear what you say. However, we both are in m need of a break, so we are going. I understand you're grieving, too. However, I am only going for a few weeks, and I'll ensure my son is facetimes you or the like"

I suspect their is an element of control going on with them through fear, which plays a big part in grief. They may be scared of you being away so long, subconsciously thinking they are going to lose you and your son too.

You know them best as to whether they are just twats (like some of my late husband family) or this is newish type of behaviour.

Incidently, I got counselling through CRUSE U.K. It's a free non-profit, making service. You can ofcourse make a donation if you wish. I found it really useful. Link below.

It also helped me work through the dynamics of others and my late husband dysfunctional relatives. Granted, ours were at the extreme end however there services do involve talking about the dynamics around you too.

www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 04/06/2024 12:23

Dryplate · 04/06/2024 12:20

What does your son think? That would be my only concern, would you be removing him from his support network (friends and wider family) for most of his school holiday?

When my DH died, my sons talked to their friends much more than I realised at the time.

I agree with this as long as son isnt agreeing to appease you to his own detriment and he is also happy sod everyone else