To disappear for a while?

[bendy75]

I am recently widowed (3 months) and have a 11 year old son, we have had an awful year and as much as I appreciate the support I have had, I really feel like I want to escape from it all.

I was thinking of an extended holiday, just me and my son (in the summer hols), for perhaps 3 or 4 weeks, in a cottage somewhere lovely and peaceful, however I have been told from quite a few friends and family this is a terrible idea, it's selfish and a waste of my deceased husbands money (in laws), I do know they are grieving too but I feel I actually need this.

Has anyone been in this situation? Did it help at all?

@Bendy75 Just realised you said your friends are saying it too. Turns are the worst for sticking their nose in. Likewise, tell them as little as possible.

They are crazily, probably jealous, you are going to do that. They aren't supportive. They aren't real friends either.

I hindsight, my sons did a lot of that. Just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear, so as not to worry me. They both got themselves into quite bad situations by not asking for help, that I could have given quite easily, for fear of adding to my worries 😪

That would be my worry, i am currently going through a separation (which i appreciate is totally different) but as i left the family home due to being my choice to split my son is struggling but doesnt tell me too much in fear of upsetting me until he is at the end of his tether with his dad. i think he is suffering massive separation anxiety from me so hopefully not too long before the house is sold so i cant even comprehend what you must have both gone through

So sorry that both your in laws and your friends are being so nosy and insensitive.

As for the comments around how you should spend your money, they have absolutely no right to comment. At all. Ever.
Whatever feels right for you and your son is the right thing. Your son might benefit from keeping in touch with / spending time with friends but as long as you are not away for the whole summer hols he can do that too.
So sorry for your loss. Look after yourself

Thank you so much for your replies!

My sons best pal always goes to Poland to see his family in the school hols, so I thought it would be the ideal time for us to go, he loves fishing, boat trips and outdoor activities and as long as he has wifi to keep in touch I think he will be fine, he really seemed to like the idea, and staying in the UK means it is easy enough to jump in the car and come home if it is not working for him.

I see my in laws everyday, I do think my husbands mum is just desperate to keep us nearby and lashing out, I suppose looking after us is helping her, which is why I think father in law thinks I am selfish.

Thank you again for your replies and sharing experiences, really helped giving me clarity and I am so sorry for those of you that have been in a similar situation, it is so heartbreaking and difficult to navigate.

Definitely do it, if nothing else so that you get a break from your in-laws.

I think this is an excellent idea.
I have never been in your position but I did take our youngest child away when he was 11.
The two of us had a memorable holiday in North Yorkshire, we did some beautiful walks, I booked him in for an afternoon golf lesson, we watched a TV show with a cookery slot and agreed to cook the next day whatever they cooked.
A day in Whitby we watched the RNLI go and rescue a small pleasure craft.
We never ran out of things to do.
It was a great bonding exercise and the age was perfect, he hadn’t turned into a stroppy teen.
I hope he remembers it as fondly as I do.

I think it sounds wonderful and not a waste of money at all. Not sure why people say things like that.

ILs will be terrified that having lost their son, without him, they'll also lose contact with their grandson. It in no way excuses their terrible behaviour, but maybe does explain it.

I've lost a husband and it's truly terrible, but I have a friend who lost her adult son and whilst both situations are awful, TBH, I'd rather be me than her.

It's sounds a lovely thing to do.
Many people go away for 3 or more weeks in the summer (like your son's friend) and no one thinks it's odd.
Sorry it's bad circumstances that make you want to go - but go 💐

What in the fresh hell is wrong with your friends and family?? Selfish to whom? You just went through one of the worst things that can happen to a person and you deserve a nice holiday that will make you feel better.

I have done the same after a death in the family and it has made me feel better.

I swear some people are into misery and want women people who have been widowed to never have a happy moment again in their life. YANBU.

Absolutely. Some people want women to be martyrs. Constantly serving others even in their own hard times. Even other women do this.

After our DD died, DH and I had 3 holidays abroad in the space of 9 months. I couldn't give a shiny sh*te what my friends and relatives thought - thankfully none of them expressed their opinion to me.
Do what you think is right for you and your DS. Your ILs have given their opinion but it's just that - their opinion. No need for you to take any notice.

This might not be exactly the thing you are after, but it is affordable and in the UK and it could be nice having other women around.

All that matters is that both you and your son are happy to do this. It is not selfish or a waste of money. I guess your in-laws are just anxious having lost their son and now it feels like they are losing you both too. Not that they are, they have probably got used to you being so close.
Hope you both have a wonderful time away and I am sorry about the loss of your dh💐

I haven't been in your situation and I'm so very sorry for your loss, but I wanted to say it sounds very much like something I'd want to do in that situation.

Hasn't taken long for people to start telling you how to live your life has it? Trust your instincts and do what's right for you and your son. You're not doing anything terrible, people need to mind their own business.

If it works for you and your son, then do it without another thought. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I can't believe people are telling you how to spend his money when you are going through so much.

I think that type of peaceful holiday could be hell for pre teen. Personally I would do something alone for a few days like a wellness retreat to really physically rest as I'm sure you are exhausted. Those 'helpful' in laws can mind DS. Then go somewhere with DS where you can move around and have adventures, something new to talk about every evening and plans to be made like a driving holiday or city breaks. Maybe a week or so. Then finish with a few days of luxury in a hotel together. But that's me. Do what YOU and DS want and to hell with anyone else's view.

@ohtowinthelottery I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Your money - and it is your money now - is absolutely nothing to do with the in laws. I wouldn't discuss it with them at all.

They may be panicking that you might move away and need some reassurance (if you can do that) but that's no reason to create this sort of drama over a holiday.

I think I'd ask my son what kind of holiday he'd like. He may well prefer something where he has other children to play with.

Sorry for your loss

Spending time with your son can only help: I lost my dad in my 20s and returned to my parents house for about 6 weeks to be with my mother & siblings : it helped me a lot

A friends’ mum took the family on a big trip overseas shortly after her dad passed away

Re in laws: if you are in the UK how about renting a couple of cottages (as finding 3-4 weeks now will be challenging) and visiting them in between: your son may want to see his GPs/friends during his school break.

If you don’t want to be with them you could have him stay with them for a couple of nights perhaps? Ask your son: you & him are the priority although your in laws will be hurting hugely too

I think it’s also worth factoring in the irrationality of the grief of the in-laws. I have had a fairly major bereavement this year and people in the family have not been rational or reasonable. Some really bizarre demands, character assassinations and outbursts. I am hoping there may be a bit of reflection and contrition in a couple of years time. It’s possible the OP’s in laws are not operating normally, making these odd demands on her. It would be good to get away from them, for a bit imo.

Do it.

I'm going to be doing the same myself, once I've received a pending settlement from my employer after horrid behaviour.

I think it's definitely needed after going through tough times if one can afford to.

You can, so do. It's your money, do what you like with it.

Sounds like an excellent idea.
F&F who are concerned about you deceased husbands estate need to wind their necks in.

Good idea as long as your son is on board with it. Maybe a slightly shorter duration if he wants to spend some time hanging out with his friends. Oh and BTW, your late DHs money is now YOUR money to spend as you wish, tell the ILs to butt out of your business