AIBU to think a person that has DC should tell their ex/co-parent if the new partner will be staying over in same house as DCs

[Walking12345]

Basically what the title says.

YABU - person doesn’t have any reason to tell ex
YANBU - person in relationship should tell ex

It's strange because I want to say yes they should.

But then I think about it and wonder what difference it would make?

As hard as it is, you may want to know but you don’t have a right to know what’s going on when your child/ren are with the other parent.

Do you want to kick-off about this?

You may want to know but no you have no right to know. Their parent who is minding them gets to make that decision.

It’s not ex’s business.

I appreciated knowing that dc were going to meet new partner (female) but whether or not they would be staying over doesn’t make a difference.

I know that I didn’t have a right to know dc were meeting new partner but I was informed.

You're both parents of your children and both have the same job to keep the children safe and looked after. One is generally not more capable of making sound decisions than the other.

And I tend to find that the parent pushing for things like this is rarely open and forthcoming with volunteering information on their part.

YANBU

It's so bizarre that people say you've no right to know. How the hell can that be true - you'd have a right to know if your child was on a school trip which adults were accompanying them.

People who say you've no right to know, is this just hyperbole or is this some mad law?

There's a lot of variables here, how long have they been with new partner? dose kid know them? How involved is ex? Is ex genuinely concerned for DC or using them for control?

Generally I'd let an involved co-parent know before introducing a new partner, so they could help suport the kids emotionally if they had difficulty with accepting the change. But I wouldn't notify about day to day arrangements or expect to be told about the ex.

If I didn't trust the ex to vet the people they have round the children, they wouldn't have the child. But that's basic parenting, nothing to do with them being in a new relationship.

It is neither. The children are with their other parent and thus secure, safe and cared for.

You may have a right to know when others are looking after your children in lieu of either parent, but not when they're with one of their parents.

In an ideal co parenting relationship where neither parent uses the children as weapons to hurt the other with and where parents can put their issues to one side to discuss matters regarding the children then yes. However, if your ex is the type to threaten to withdraw contact because of it, is likely to throw jealous tantrums or is the type to try to control what goes on in your then I can understand why you might not mention it.

I think plenty of new boyfriends get moved in way too soon

No I don't think so. When you have your children you decide who can be around them.. and when the other parent has the kids then they decide
Of course you would say something if there was some reason to have an issue.. like the kids had passed comment on feeling uncomfortable or strange behaviour from someone the other parent had around.
But when you split up unfortunately you stop having a say just for the sake of having a say..
It's pretty invasive to expect to know exactly who the kids will be seeing, who will be staying in the house etc of the other parent.
Of course if you were on good terms and Co parenting well it would be polite and respectful to inform each other of stuff like that.
But I don't think it can really be a demand or an expectation.
You've got to let the other parent parent how they want on their time with the kids.. unless there is a genuine issue.
If you aren't on great terms then no you probably aren't going to be kept in the loop about who the other parent is seeing and when they'd be in the house. And no you don't have the right to demand that info.

Most people want to know if it’s their ex and a new partner. Most people don’t think their ex has any rights when it’s their own new partner.

No I don’t want to kick off about it at all. I am genuinely interested in what people think about this.

Do you expect to be told when their friends and family stay over too?

Are you prepared to notify them of anyone you have over?

I think the other parent should know who is spending the night and whatever other time with their kids. Personally I would’ve been livid had my ex had a girlfriend stay over whilst my child was on an overnighter.

I know every adult is entitled to privacy in their romantic relationships but there has to be some flex when kids are involved, especially if the relationship is new.

Obviously, if things become serious that changes matters but presumably the other parent would know about the new partner at that stage. I have a couple if friends whose parents had a revolving series of new loves through their homes. Neither was happy about it. The parents act as if all the “mistakes” didn’t exist but their kids remember.

I’m not being sexist either - Didn’t matter if it was the mum or the dad with the new lover, it still bothered them and caused rows when they either told the other parent or were told not to mention it.

It’s a crappy part of “co-parenting” you have to trust the other parent to be a responsible parent…. Irony often is if they were a decent parent and partner they wouldn’t be an ex !!

Just ensure your kids feel they can tell you anything without judgement or kicking off

PP has said that it helps the other parent be able to chat to the DC to smooth the transition & chat through any issues which I agree with.

I agree about the sleeping over not really being relevant. Maybe I should have phrased the post to say meeting DC rather than staying over. I was trying to imply not a quick bump into.

Exactly this.

I thinks it’s common courtesy to let a co-parent know if there are any majors changes that may affect the DC.

To answer some questions:

How long have they been with new partner?
Long enough to be confident it’s going somewhere so a reasonable timeframe to introduce DC to partner.

Does kid know them?
DC didn’t know them before but met on previous occasions before partner slept over.

I agree with your last point about trusting their judgement & about being there to support DC emotionally.

You don't have any right.
It's shit, having to suck up either a train of girlfriends or mad people.
Could also be said the other way round.

Unfortunately you have to trust that the child's other parent is sensible.

And know that once they get to the teenage years anyone who didn't put them first will be jettisoned.

Children aren't stupid.

So would your answer change if the partner was to be left alone with their other halves DCs?

Depends on the partner ex had one who was a violent alcoholic had her children removed I would definitely need to know about that his latest has had an occasional flirt with bad behaviour while drinking but it isn't regular appeared to be a blip and I would be less concerned

So I would say unless there is safeguarding concerns no