AIBU to think a person that has DC should tell their ex/co-parent if the new partner will be staying over in same house as DCs

[Walking12345]

Basically what the title says.

YABU - person doesn’t have any reason to tell ex
YANBU - person in relationship should tell ex

I agree.
Although I also think someone can be an awful partner but a good parent.

There is a difference however between " best practice" and " a right". Yes, it would be best to share the information but no, there is no actual right to it.

…except, one of them is the child’s parent?

The post isn’t about my DCs which seems to be the general assumption. Both my ex & I waited many months to introduce kids to new partners & told each other beforehand. We have all met.
It’s about my ‘partners’ DC’s.

I am sure people will say it isn’t my business (or the ex’s as that seems to be how the poll’s going). I just think it would have been courtesy to tell ex but I don’t know them so maybe I shouldn’t assume they would want to know. I am the first to be introduced to DC although there has been a long gap since separation. I just don’t want the ex not knowing to cause issues in the future.

How the hell can that be true - you'd have a right to know if your child was on a school trip which adults were accompanying them.

I have young adults now and in 18 years I have never once known who was accompanying them on a trip.

The reality is ideally yes. However, I didn't because he would have been harassed by my ex . Sadly due to MH. So no I still seven years later haven't introduced nor will. My children late teen and tween are happy with that and sadly understand all too well

Because since you had your baby they have cheated on you, lied to and manipulated you (things you never thought they would be capable of when planning your first child)?

Not trusting them to be faithful is very different to not trusting them to care for a child

I don't think there's a right answer to this. There are so many variables.

If you trust the co-parent then this shouldn't need any discussion in terms of safety. There's a common courtesy element in that it's clearly beneficial to the child to have parents who communicate well and so are able to keep each other up to date about all life developments that may have a significant impact on the child.

However, what often happens when there isn't that healthy co-parenting approach is that controlling types interpret it as requiring permission and feckless types don't even think about who they're introducing to their kids let alone telling the other parent. Occasionally a good parent oversteps their boundaries because the trust has been broken between parents (e.g. in the case of an affair which can leave people feeling like they never really knew their x or what they were capable of). In this case they're not controlling so much as genuinely anxious and within reason I think the other parent should be reassuring rather than 'how dare you tell me who I can have in the house' etc. However, the key phrase is 'within reason.'

I’ve never in my 30+ years as a teacher explicitly told parents which members of staff will be going on school trips! Neither have I been told this as a parent when my DC went on trips.

No definitely not.

The parent present in the house must be trusted to care for their child. Who they have as a guest is no-one else's business.

Can you imagine the issues that would cause with stalking and abuse by ex-partners.

In an ideal world people would coparent well and be able to have a conversation that they have moved on and will be introducing new partners but it isn’t something I did. My ex moved out and at the start had dc stay over about once a month and would see them for a few hours each weekend. He had so little involvement/ interest in their life that I didn’t tell him that I had a dp who stayed over.

im going to sound a hypocrite because if ex introduced dc I would want to know. But I see it that ex hasn’t had dc stay over for about two years so I don’t really respect him very much or his judgement.

Really interesting question and I think the answer is not black or white, but should be judged on a case-by-case basis.

I think co-parents should be honest and have open communication, whilst still retaining boundaries.

The ex doesn't have the right to know who is staying over, however it would usually be courteous to tell (not ask) the ex if a new person will be sharing a home with the children or staying for a portion of time, but only if it's in the best interest of the children.

The ex might have ill intentions or want to know for their own gain/control/nosyness or whatever. And in this circumstance, maybe it would do more harm to tell them.

Generally I’d say it’s a good idea to tell the other parent that someone was being introduced to the DC for the first time but only in terms of being told, not being asked. The other parent can’t control or dictate anything about new partners. No court will be interested unless the new partner is a violent drug addict either.

As for staying over, that’s nothing to do with the other parent and no need to inform. Nor if the new partner is looking after them for a few hours on her own. Just like you wouldn’t inform the other parent if your kid had a drop and run play date on a day that you had them.

Statistically speaking it’s mum’s new male partner that’s a risk factor, not dad’s new girlfriend. Yet you will often get women on here saying they do not want their DC to meet a new gf and then casually mention they moved their own boyfriend in with their kids after 2 months but that that’s fine because the kids adore him. So often there are double standards with this kind of thing.

It's so bizarre that people say you've no right to know. How the hell can that be true - you'd have a right to know if your child was on a school trip which adults were accompanying them.

Errr no you do not. You might well be told Mr Smith and Miss Brown will be taking the kids on the trip to the zoo but if it turned out that Mr Green took Mr Smith’s place for some reason or came along as a third teacher, it would have nothing to do with you and you have no right to be informed about it. Just as the school doesn’t have to run hiring staff decisions past you either.

No. Both parents can decide who's fit to look after the child. If the other parent doesn't have the opportunity to approve or veto anyone you appoint as a child minder then why would you think you should have that entitlement?

I'd say it depends on the circumstances. Unfortunately not all children are safe and well looked after at their other parent's home (a quick search will reveal cases where contact was forced by the courts but really should not have been). If you are sending your kids to stay with your ex under duress and you don't trust his (or her) judgement it's different to a fairly amicable split where both parents are responsible adults and putting the kids first.

Yep, I think that’s an equal enough split. I think you should tell them.

If they have regular contact with the child then it’s important to have the conversation with the other parent.

Legally right? No. But never in a million years would I dream of not informing someone that their children are sleeping under the same roof as another (new) adult. Most abuse will occur under these circumstances and it’s important that everyone have open lines of communication. This whole ‘none of your business’ mentality benefits the secretive/disgruntled parent rather than the child who should be raised jointly by all parents & step parents. My SIL moved her daughter in with two different men in a short space of time (including sleeping in a bed with the first man) - and the daughter’s other side of the family is baffled by some of the child’s acting out!

No I don't think so each time. That's an incredible invasion of privacy. I don't want my ex knowing about my sex life. I also wouldn't tell him if my friend came to stay.

However it would be great if coparents can agree principles eg how long to get to know someone before they stay over with the child, agreeing that the child will not be left alone with the new partner, agreeing that the partner will not get involved in bathtime and story time with the child (at least not until a very very established relationship - over a year and living together sounds reasonable to me) - that's what I want to agree with my ex. So that the child is protected from a) sexual abusers and b) losing another parents figure if the relationship breaks down quickly

Really? Ds school gives us a list for overnight trips?

Daytime trips it's just the regular teachers plus an extra TA for sen kids who are also told who they are having

No school I ever worked in (20 years plus) ever did that.

And when I ran a playscheme and holiday club we also never issued a list to parents either

The kids know their group and adults either the day before or on the day, but never known it passed on to parents specifically.

I don't think so. Although a lot of people have double standards. Two weeks after my friend and her husband separated she had a new partner staying over (she didn't tell husband)
Six months after they separated she went mental because her ex had his partner staying round (the kids told her).
I told her she couldn't really say anything but she said it was different. But when the children are on one parents time it's up to them who their child sees.