AIBU to think a person that has DC should tell their ex/co-parent if the new partner will be staying over in same house as DCs

[Walking12345]

Basically what the title says.

YABU - person doesn’t have any reason to tell ex
YANBU - person in relationship should tell ex

I was referring to overnight visits with the DCs were with parent rather than moving in.

That seems very hypocritical to me.

I think friends and family are different. A new partner could become quite involved in their other halves DC’s lives.

Of course it is!

What would you count as serious? At what stage should the other parent be told? Why would they necessarily know if the ex or DC didn’t tell them.

My husband a calm normal rational person so if something happened to us I would trust his judgement on what he does, if he wasn't, I wouldn't have had a child with him in the first place

No

People should not be beholden to their ex just because they have kids.

In my view if you have a child with someone it’s a huge deal and the implication is that you trust that person. If you split with them and send them to their other parent’s house you have to have an element of trust. With that comes trusting them with decisions about new partners.

If you don’t trust them now, why did you when you first had a baby?

On a school trip one of the parents isn't in attendance. In this case the child is in the care of their own parent.

It's not rocket science.

No safeguarding concerns

Because they have no legal right. End of! There is no law that states you must tell the other parent.

True, but the parent they're staying with can do that.

Besides, the other parent might not even have met the new partner.

And know that once they get to the teenage years anyone who didn't put them first will be jettisoned.

I see this school of thought so much on MN and it's really not true. Majority of teenagers are too busy thinking about themselves to fret over this sort of stuff. They align themselves to whoever meets their needs in the way they want them met at that particular time.

I think the DC might be more open with the other parent if they aren’t happy about the situation. Then that parent could reassure them etc.

I don’t think they necessarily need to have met the new partner to help their DC through the transition.

No school I ever worked in, in 20 years, ever sent parents a list of the staff and parent helpers going on a trip.

Parents are expected to trust that the school will have appropriate numbers and deal with safeguarding (ie not leaving children alone with people not DBS checked etc) appropriately.

Quite similar to the fact that the law doesn’t oblige people to tell their exes who they have around when the children are with them.

@Walking12345 I never told my ex when our girls were meeting DH. Likewise he never told me when he introduced any of his partners. If you have a good relationship then sharing info can be good for the children, and the other parent is ready for any questions, but there’s no legal right to know.

Maybe I should have phrased the post to say meeting DC rather than staying over.

That is even more ridiculous.
The parent the child is with doesn't get to screen every person the dc meet when they are with their other parents. Nor do they get a list, or a report or diary of everything that has happened.

Couples have split for a reason. Their personal lives do not need to be shared with each other once they are separate individuals. As long as there is no reason to believe there is neglect or abuse, it is none of the other parent's business.

Your opinion seems to be in the majority at the moment and I am genuinely interested in the overall view.

To me the DC meeting a new partner is much more than every ‘person’ they might meet & is very different to a diary of what has happened.

The fact is, you might want to but you don't have the right to.

I think it's the decent thing to do, but I don't think it's a right.

I don't think it's any of your business, it suggests you think you're the parent who knows best.
99% of the time it's the ex wife demanding to meet/approve ex husbands new gf, but no doubt would be fuming if he asked it of her.

Depends on many factors. Of the parent is equally involved in DCs life - yes, they should know.

If not, then no, it won’t make a difference if they barely see their child.

Not really. People trot this out like it’s an amazing GOTCHA but in reality you can prefer to know without being foolish enough to think that constitutes a ‘right’.

To me, if a new partner is being introduced it’s best to inform the ex if possible as the children shouldn’t have to be the ones breaking the news that there’s a new partner or they they’ve met them. That’s just decent parenting. Knowing also helps the other parent to support the children when they come back from that introduction if they need it, having processed their own feelings first. It’s courteous behaviour consistent with a commitment to harmonious co-parenting.

This doesn’t mean I think anyone has a ‘right’ to know or even that it will always be best to share this information. It certainly doesn’t mean that anyone has a right to ‘say no’ to a new partner being introduced.

@Walking12345 Your questions are valid - I don’t know at what stage I would regard something as serious or if that would be the same for someone else, my preference would be to have relationship develop for a while without presence of kids then introduce them before moving to overnight stays.

I just don’t like the idea of introducing either a series of random short term partners to my child or even the odd one or two - I just don’t think it’s great for their emotional wellbeing.

I know loads are saying “oh my partner is a lovely responsible person, and would only introduce fabby new loves, so no need to tell me”. It just doesn’t wash - they are saying this while still living with the great partner. Presumably if they had split up it would be for a good reason so they would have a less positive view of their ex’s personality and judgement and would be more inclined to think they should know about new partners interacting with their kids.

I don’t think any of it is easy regardless. I don’t think introductions should happen without giving the other parent a heads up, not to give veto power (!) but to keep them in the loop about something impacting their child’s life.

This.
I think they should, but it has to work both ways or all bets are off.

In the situation I’m referring to it’s 3 nights with one parent and 4 nights with the other.

I agree with all of this except I think you should be consistent ie if you’d want to know then you should also tell your ex when in the same situation (although I do agree there could be exceptions to this).