I gave birth to DD almost 6 weeks ago. It was a perfect natural birth and I was on cloud 9, although by the time I’d gotten home at 5am the next morning I was shattered after 4 hours sleep in about 50 hours. I missed DS (18 months) terribly after 2 nights away from him, 2 nights that he spent with my dad & his partner as he’d picked him up the night I went into labour as arranged. He is retired and it was a weeknight, my mum works and all grandparents knew the plan- that it would most likely be my dad that would get the call to mind DC1 when I gave birth.
(Context: My parents have been divorced for a good 20 years but there is a history of rivalry between them especially on dad’s part : He got angry and upset with my brother on the birth of his first born 5 years ago because he & his partner wanted the mums to visit first, my dad’s nose was out of joint and he made a big scene because he wanted to be first to meet his first grandchild. TLDR; my dad has form for this).
After sharing the news & photos with dad by text, I thanked them wholeheartedly for having my DS, added that I missed DS terribly, couldn't wait to introduce him to his new sister, and would they please drop him off later that afternoon after we’d had a bit of sleep. I also added that I would be upstairs sleeping and feeding the baby when they arrived to drop DS off. Before their arrival I asked my partner to remind my dad that I wasn’t going to be making an appearance with the baby as I was upstairs feeding & sleeping etc.
When they arrived, my partner told him this politely, and my dad started to make his way upstairs to my room ‘to see if I was awake’. Partner said no, I wouldn’t be happy with that, and my dad said “I don’t care”. Partner repeated the request and again my dad said “I don’t care!” I hear dad on the landing while I’m in bed, naked, with baby on my boob. I say “Dad, no” twice, he opens my bedroom door and I again say “Dad, NO”, he says he just wants to see the baby- at this point he’s halfway to me and so I growl at him “BOUNDARIES!” He then skulks off, loudly complaining about the unfairness because he didn’t get to see brother’s kid first, and that I’ve forgotten that the baby is his family too, bla bla. Dad’s partner urges him to make their quick exit.
My 18 month old son that I’d been waiting to introduce to his baby sister has essentially been pushed in front of, my dad has disrespected my partner in his own home by pushing past him up the stairs, and I don’t think I need to be explain how wrong it was of him to barge into my room despite several polite and then not-so-polite requests not to. I’m absolutely livid and upset and know I need to address it before he can come back to my house.
So, after a couple of days I text him to tell him the baby’s name that we’d settled on, with another photo, and that I was planning on calling him the next day. His response was simply that he wasn’t ready to talk to me. I called him anyway and it went like this:
Dad, I’m calling to invite you to meet your beautiful granddaughter on the condition that you apologise for your behaviour in my house. He said “bye” and hung up. I call back and continue, he didn’t have to accept this but how he responded now would dictate how we all remember the period around DD’s birth. Dad then launches into a tirade about: how I have no concept of the damage I’ve done, how ‘up myself’ I am, he’s been having heart palpitations because of the way he’s been treated, and how he will be ready to meet his granddaughter in a month once I’ve done some self-reflection and apologised for what I’ve done. I tell my 3 brothers, I tell my mum. All absolutely appalled.
His partner texts me with how much my dad is suffering physically and mentally, and would I come round to talk, and how dad was simply excited to see his grandchild. I’m resolute that he was had wilfully caused all of this, we have no to-ing and fro-ing, and the bottom line is that dad comes to ME to apologise and meet his granddaughter.
My brother arranges a surprise video call between me and my dad where he shouts non-stop at me how humiliated he is and how hurtful I have been, how ungrateful I am because he ‘dropped everything’ to have DS for two nights when I went into labour and at one point said my DS meeting his new baby sister didn’t matter anyway because “he will never remember it”. I’m shouting back at him and demanding to know exactly what it is I’ve done wrong. He just talks about his hurt feelings. It goes nowhere and I end the call with my apologies that this cannot be sorted out right now.
Over the course of these past 5 weeks my dad has had (and is currently on) 2 holidays. His only attempt at contacting me is a text message to ask whether he is still babysitting my DS1 on a certain day. I ask him to call me. He says no.
Wider family have gotten involved and my aunt (dads sister) has been staying with him and thinks that I should hear him out, and has reported back to me that my dad will not apologise unless I also take accountability for ‘my part’. Although he admits he “could have handled things differently” (!) So over 5 weeks later and my dad really has not progressed at all.
I love my dad and want him to meet his grandchild but I am not going to let him get away with all of this terrible behaviour. He has always been a bully, an old-fashioned patriarchal and kind of narcissistic character. I grew up with him emotionally and physically abusing my mum and always stood up to him as a child, in later years he has always prided himself on my strength of character and- how much like him I am!
I also want him to see my son but I cannot let him pick and choose which grandchild to see. I’m adamant that, for once in his life, he takes accountability and apologises to me and my partner. I’m devastated my DD will be nearly 2 months old by the time dad gets back from his holiday and can’t believe he has prioritised that over sorting this out and meeting his granddaughter.
Where oh where the fuck do I go from here? Going no contact will be awful but I can do it; I am adamant that for once in his life he takes ownership of his behaviour and the impact it has had on me. This has all had a huge impact on my own mental and physical health too. I am not going to indulge his fantasy of being number 1 in mine and my children's lives, because first and foremost I am their mother, and I was a woman who had just given birth. He clearly feels that me being his daughter trumps all of this and only sees things from his point of view- HIS daughter, HIS grandchild.
Your insights gratefully received because I’m going round the bend with anger and hurt.