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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friends dh touchy feely when he's had a drink

54 replies

Onlyhereforthecomments · 02/06/2024 05:34

A very close friend's dh goes a tad too far when he's had a drink. I don't know what he's like with her other friends. He's not malicious and when he's sober he wouldn't dream of acting this way. We all lark about on the dance floor & he gets touchy with her boobs, that's fair enough; but he's also been like it with me in front of her, in a larking around manner. She's had to tell him off for it, it's not acceptable behaviour. A few weeks ago he got very tipsy. I was feeling a bit tired & wanted to sit down. He got a chair for me but as a "joke" put his hand on the seat just before I sat down, so I sat on his hand. This has made me feel very uncomfortable. He's no perv when he's sober & has since apologised.
How do I tell him to reign it in without causing an atmosphere when we're all out? Or do I tell my friend to tell him to reign it in & potentially cause a big issue in an otherwise happy marriage? My lovely dh would never dream of doing this, no matter how much he'd had to drink, so why does friend's dh think it's OK to do this?
And being drunk is no excuse for acting this way either, no matter how close you all are. I really don't want to cause a fall out in our friendship group, but I shouldn't have to put up with accidently sitting on another man's hand as a joke, even if he does apologise the next day. His hand wasn't flat, palm down either, it was turned up so I'd sit on his fingers. Yuk.
He doesn't fancy me or flirt so its not a sexual thing. I certainly don't fancy him so I don't know why he thinks I'd accept this sort of behaviour from him. Should I just loosen up & see it as a drunken prank & no harm intended, as this is genuinley what it is to him?

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 02/06/2024 05:39

Tell him loudly in front of her t9 “knock it off!”. I’m guessing he has form.

FuglySweaty · 02/06/2024 05:52

I’d say you tell him this:

And being drunk is no excuse for acting this way either, no matter how close you all are. I really don't want to cause a fall out in our friendship group, but I shouldn't have to just put up with accidently sitting on a very close friend's dh hand as a joke, even if he does apologise the next day.

Everythingiscalmfornow · 02/06/2024 05:54

I'm afraid I'm a believer in how a person is when drunk shows what the person is really like. I think I'd be avoiding her DH as much as possible. And if I did have to socialise with him and he behaved in an unacceptable manner I agree with pp and would call him out in a very public manner.

rwalker · 02/06/2024 06:03

Easiest non confrontational way to deal with it is tell your friend
the advantage of doing this next time your out she’ll be policing him

Disasterclass · 02/06/2024 06:04

He's using being drunk as an excuse to behave like this because everyone will put up with it. I bet everyone just rolls their eyes and accepts that's just how he is. Meanwhile he's sexually assaulting women.

He's also relying on you and probably other women not wanting to make a scene so he can behave like this. It's easy for him to apologise the next day and blame it on the booze. I absolutely would be making a scene if I were you

GrumpyPanda · 02/06/2024 06:08

Friends dh touchy feely prone to sexual assault when he's had a drink.

There, fixed that for you. And what you do is you don't worry about embarrassing him in front of everybody - that's what he's counting on. So call him out, immediately, very loudly and publicly, each and every time.

Devilsmommy · 02/06/2024 06:11

Disasterclass · 02/06/2024 06:04

He's using being drunk as an excuse to behave like this because everyone will put up with it. I bet everyone just rolls their eyes and accepts that's just how he is. Meanwhile he's sexually assaulting women.

He's also relying on you and probably other women not wanting to make a scene so he can behave like this. It's easy for him to apologise the next day and blame it on the booze. I absolutely would be making a scene if I were you

Completely agree

Howbizarre22 · 02/06/2024 06:37

Yeh he’s a sexual predator hiding under the guise of “oops I was soooo drunk” Tell him straight, fucking pervert.

AuntieMarys · 02/06/2024 06:54

Why is it acceptable to get touchy with his partner in public too? Yuk.

Wordsmithery · 02/06/2024 06:54

I suspect he's not as drunk as he pretends to be. Putting your hand on a chair so someone sits on it is a bit weird; pointing your fingers upwards is planned, predatory - and gross.
I'd avoid him in future and if ever there were a repetition I'd make a huge fuss.
If your friendship group is damaged, it's because it's harbouring a monster.

AGlinnerOfHope · 02/06/2024 06:57

He could genuinely revert to being a six year old who hasn't thought through what he's doing. But if he genuinely regretted it he wouldn't drink.

So I would tell them you will go home if he starts to drink, or ask him to leave if he's at yours.

BeauSignoles · 02/06/2024 06:59

This is not a drunk "whoopsie". Regular people, even at their drunkest, refrain from putting their hands in peoples crotches. He absolutely knows what he's doing.

Also, he's apologised for it while sober - but not done anything to curtail his drinking, when he knows it apparently turns him into a disgusting pig? 🙄

OMGsamesame · 02/06/2024 06:59

We all lark about on the dance floor & he gets touchy with her boobs, that's fair enough

Eh?

RampantIvy · 02/06/2024 07:03

Just tell him to stop behaving like a pervert. He is relying on the embarrassment factor, which is why he does it.

ManilowBarry · 02/06/2024 07:09

If you did something inappropriate when you were drunk and were called out for it, you would feel ashamed and mortified and make sure you didn't drink to excess again in order to prevent such behaviour again.

But he carries on and may even not be as drunk as he appears to be in order to excuse himself from touching you.

I would not go out when he's there. That's the only way he and your friend will understand that you will not tolerate or accept his behaviour.

ManilowBarry · 02/06/2024 07:11

OMGsamesame · 02/06/2024 06:59

We all lark about on the dance floor & he gets touchy with her boobs, that's fair enough

Eh?

I would walk away if he did this in front of me.

How can fondling in public be 'fair enough'?

It's downright disgusting.

billyt · 02/06/2024 07:17

My late wife's youngest sister was worse. A few glasses of wine and she used to get all 'hands on' and more.

I quickly learned to keep clear if alcohol was involved.

Yet sober she was lovely and like 'butter wouldn't melt' but I still kept away.

Arconialiving · 02/06/2024 07:19

Disasterclass · 02/06/2024 06:04

He's using being drunk as an excuse to behave like this because everyone will put up with it. I bet everyone just rolls their eyes and accepts that's just how he is. Meanwhile he's sexually assaulting women.

He's also relying on you and probably other women not wanting to make a scene so he can behave like this. It's easy for him to apologise the next day and blame it on the booze. I absolutely would be making a scene if I were you

This!

Call him out loudly every time. Bet you'll find he stops even if he is drunk, once he knows he can't get away with it!

Dirty bastard sexually abusing women in plain sight & making you doubt yourself and the best way to handle it.

tiddletiddleboomboom · 02/06/2024 07:22

Disasterclass · 02/06/2024 06:04

He's using being drunk as an excuse to behave like this because everyone will put up with it. I bet everyone just rolls their eyes and accepts that's just how he is. Meanwhile he's sexually assaulting women.

He's also relying on you and probably other women not wanting to make a scene so he can behave like this. It's easy for him to apologise the next day and blame it on the booze. I absolutely would be making a scene if I were you

Spot on. I've been drunk many times, and have never sexually assaulted anyone and thats what it is, make no mistake. As PP have said, if he was truly mortified about his behaviour, he'd control his drinking but he doesnt.

He likes it and he uses alcohol as an excuse. I'd make a huge scene and refuse to go out with them ever agin when alcohol is involved. If friend (the wife I mean) asked why, I'd be kind but very honest.

Faduckssake · 02/06/2024 07:23

Next time you get together to drink, say to him loudly and in front of everyone right at the start "Will you be keeping your hands to yourself this evening?"

WonderingWanda · 02/06/2024 07:27

Alcohol just loosens inhibitions it doesn't alter your personality. This man is revolting. Tell him it's sexual assault and you'll be reporting it to the police if he does it again...tell him again when he's sober too! Why the fuck should you put up with this and then be agonising over how to 'not create an atmosphere', you know who has created this problem don't you? I'll give you a hint, it's not you!

cerisepanther73 · 02/06/2024 07:31

@Onlyhereforthecomments

There's a common dominator theme here and that's youve,
guessed it your friend's freakily Creepy 😳 husband who can't keep his octopus hands to himself,

and yes he certainly fits the criteria threshold for being a perv too,

He definitely knows what he is doing and he is doing this under plain sight under guise of "i cant help it,
i cant handle my drink as well as you lot,

and there is not much, i can do about it anyway,
as i am under social pressure to fit in with drinking alchol ect"

Bullshit and bollox,,!

He clearly 🙄 is not as three sheets wind pissed as he likes you and everyone else to think,
and be gullible and niave to be trustful enough to believe,

I call alchol drink the truth teller drink,
as it lowers people's social inhibitions to such an extant it literally exposes individual nefarious intentions mindset in unexpectedly ways...

He's a one to watch and mimise spending least amount of time as you can..

Not to be trusted ever have your gaurd up as this is really sexual assault...

dottiedodah · 02/06/2024 07:32

As another PP said,I would avoid him .Also don't be alone with him either.He is predators also.His wife must be modified. Decent men simply don't behave like this.

imnotthatkindofmum · 02/06/2024 07:32

I would have actually punched him. That's it basically. No one touches me without consent.

Fargo79 · 02/06/2024 07:41

He sexually assaults his wife's friends when he's drunk and gets away with it because you are all conditioned to not "make a fuss". What he's doing is illegal. If our justice system worked, he would be a convicted sex offender.

It's extremely difficult to be in your position, because if you want to put a stop to this then it means putting your head above the parapet and going against a lifetime of social conditioning, not just for yourself but the other members of the group. However, if you do nothing then this will continue and he will keep on sexually assaulting you on these nights out.

I think the first thing to do is to disabuse yourself of the notion that he is "not malicious", "no perv" and that it's "not a sexual thing". Is he fondling the men's testicles on these nights out? I would bet my house that he's not. So it's targeted towards the women and it's sexual. If he was a lovely bloke who acted completely out of character when drunk, he'd stop getting drunk. If I sexually assaulted people when I had been drinking, I would be utterly horrified with myself and I'd never touch another drop. But he hasn't changed his behaviour. For him, saying sorry is just paying the piper after the event. He doesn't mean it; saying sorry is just what he has to do to be allowed to sexually assault you all whilst still remaining part of the group and facing no consequences.

He's not a kid. He's a grown man and he knows full well how serious his behaviour is. The first step for you is to see it for what it is and break free of his gaslighting, whereby he's peddling the narrative that it's just high jinx/not serious/not in his control. Once you've done that, you can make decisions about next steps.