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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friends dh touchy feely when he's had a drink

54 replies

Onlyhereforthecomments · 02/06/2024 05:34

A very close friend's dh goes a tad too far when he's had a drink. I don't know what he's like with her other friends. He's not malicious and when he's sober he wouldn't dream of acting this way. We all lark about on the dance floor & he gets touchy with her boobs, that's fair enough; but he's also been like it with me in front of her, in a larking around manner. She's had to tell him off for it, it's not acceptable behaviour. A few weeks ago he got very tipsy. I was feeling a bit tired & wanted to sit down. He got a chair for me but as a "joke" put his hand on the seat just before I sat down, so I sat on his hand. This has made me feel very uncomfortable. He's no perv when he's sober & has since apologised.
How do I tell him to reign it in without causing an atmosphere when we're all out? Or do I tell my friend to tell him to reign it in & potentially cause a big issue in an otherwise happy marriage? My lovely dh would never dream of doing this, no matter how much he'd had to drink, so why does friend's dh think it's OK to do this?
And being drunk is no excuse for acting this way either, no matter how close you all are. I really don't want to cause a fall out in our friendship group, but I shouldn't have to put up with accidently sitting on another man's hand as a joke, even if he does apologise the next day. His hand wasn't flat, palm down either, it was turned up so I'd sit on his fingers. Yuk.
He doesn't fancy me or flirt so its not a sexual thing. I certainly don't fancy him so I don't know why he thinks I'd accept this sort of behaviour from him. Should I just loosen up & see it as a drunken prank & no harm intended, as this is genuinley what it is to him?

OP posts:
Sablecat · 02/06/2024 07:47

I may be charmingly old fashioned in my views but why on earth is your husband not having a chat with this friend's husband. Your friend's husband is a sleazy pervert who absolutely knows what he's doing. I have to say my mother as a young woman once knocked a man unconscious for doing what your friend's husband did. (She came from an extremely athletic family with strong boundaries and with a brother who was a keen amateur boxer.)

LaurenOlivier · 02/06/2024 07:58

Why are you tying yourself up in knots trying to rationalise and excuse this man's behaviour? He is a disgusting pig who has sexually assaulted you on multiple occasions.

Pashazade · 02/06/2024 08:16

I'd be extremely loud and yell at him to "keep your hands to yourself you fucking pervert" and see if that sinks in. Being drunk is no excuse.
However if I'm honest I actually realistically would hiss at him if you ever touch me again I will rip your dick off and I'd be digging my nails in hard on the offending hand....but if we're keeping this none violent then the former is probably better.

LaceyLou82 · 02/06/2024 08:18

My friend’s DH got like this once, once was enough for me and I don’t have much to do with them now. For me we were at an event and he was next to me he started massaging my leg going up and down to my calf, his wife was next to him. I pulled his hand away and then he just stopped for about 5 mins then started again. I told DH who then swapped seats with me. We didn’t want to create a scene but now don’t see them unless we have to.

Grimchmas · 02/06/2024 08:22

If your friend doesn't already know about it you should tell her. You won't be the one causing marital problems, her husband is the one doing that.

I'd cite his drunken behaviour as the reason why you won't be socialising with her around alcohol again when her DH is going to be there. If you want to carry on meeting up the 4 of you go for a meal or to a coffee shop etc.

Moonpie6 · 02/06/2024 08:26

Just tell him to knock it f..k off! Slimy disgusting perv.

ThePoshUns · 02/06/2024 08:28

He's not 'touchy feely' he's a creepy sex pest who sexually assaulted you.
I'd have punched him in the face tbh.

camelofdestiny · 02/06/2024 08:29

How do I tell him to rein it in without causing an atmosphere when we're all out? Or do I tell my friend to tell him to reign it in & potentially cause a big issue in an otherwise happy marriage?

This isnt your issue to be concerned about. He is sexually assaulting his wife's friends and you are worried about causing a stir?- just think about that for a minute.

It's HIM who is creating issues in his marriage and I seriously doubt it's a happy one if her husband is groping her female friends on the regular. This is years of toxic socialisation for you- man assaults woman and we arent supposed to make a fuss as its then our fault for creating an atmosphere. It's repulsive, and whilst I get its hard to go against that socialisation, you need to or else where is it going to end? His behaviour if unchecked is likely to escalate- it could be even worse next time and just think how damaging and upsetting that will be. This pervert needs to be stopped and he is the one creating an atmosphere, not you.

MummyDummyNow · 02/06/2024 08:35

Bring it up with him, not his wife. She's not his mother and he's not 6.

xyz111 · 02/06/2024 08:35

DO cause a scene. It's not acceptable and don't allow him to get away with it.

RenoDakota · 02/06/2024 08:50

Christ, if some bloke put his hand on my seat so I would sit on it I would make the biggest, most almighty scene ever.

Steakandwine · 02/06/2024 08:58

Disasterclass · 02/06/2024 06:04

He's using being drunk as an excuse to behave like this because everyone will put up with it. I bet everyone just rolls their eyes and accepts that's just how he is. Meanwhile he's sexually assaulting women.

He's also relying on you and probably other women not wanting to make a scene so he can behave like this. It's easy for him to apologise the next day and blame it on the booze. I absolutely would be making a scene if I were you

Agree with this and was about to say the same.

He's different when sober? Doesn't mean he's not thinking about it. It's just he can use the old.. Oh sorry I was so drunk excuse.

whatsitcalledwhen · 02/06/2024 09:09

LaurenOlivier · 02/06/2024 07:58

Why are you tying yourself up in knots trying to rationalise and excuse this man's behaviour? He is a disgusting pig who has sexually assaulted you on multiple occasions.

This.

He sexually assaulted you OP.

He's a disgusting sex offender hiding in plain sight.

And he's relying on everyone feeling too awkward and society having ingrained in women 'don't make a fuss' to get away with it.

I wouldn't spend one more minute in his company to be honest. And neither would my partner.

And I'd tell my friend why I was no longer attending events where her husband was.

You shouldn't feel awkward, you should feel angry!

rosaleetree · 02/06/2024 09:11

Should I just loosen up & see it as a drunken prank & no harm intended, as this is genuinley what it is to him?

The fact he has apologised or been made to by his wife means he knows full well it's not some innocent drunken "prank" and he carries on doing it!

He is a disgusting lecherous pig and I would be creating a huge scene if this had happened to me. You say you dont want to cause an atmosphere but what kind of "friends" think it's acceptable for him to be groping your crotch on nights or laugh it off as a prank? if you asserting that its not acceptable is going to make them angry then they arent your "friends" and never were in the first place.

I can almost guarantee he also does this at work when he hasn't been drinking too. He might not be physically groping women (because he knows he cant get away with it at work) but I bet he makes suggestive comments, lecherous glances and unwanted innuendo to his female work colleagues making them feel uncomfortable. This is his basic personality. Getting drunk just gives him an excuse to do it more openly. It's very rare you will find a man who does this kind of stuff when drunk who isnt a vile misogynistic lecherous pig in other areas of his life too.

northernballer · 02/06/2024 09:17

This happened to me when I was in my early 20's, I just froze each time it happened and I think that made him do it again the next time, worse thing was we lived in a house share so I was on edge the entire time. I eventually told his girlfriend and she downplayed it so we are no longer friends, think they are married now.

I would just refuse to go out with them again and tell her why. What she does with that information is up to her.

converseandjeans · 02/06/2024 09:28

Where was your DH at the time - he should be upset too. Personally I wouldn't go out with them again socially when he is likely to have been drinking. I wouldn't be surprised if he does this to other women.

jannier · 02/06/2024 09:31

Years ago I slapped my husband's drunk friend for this, funny enough he was never so drunk to do it again.

ferryboatscrubcaps · 02/06/2024 09:37

Men should be able to not sexually assault women even if they have had alcohol. If he can't he needs to stop drinking

MzHz · 02/06/2024 09:43

If he’s like this in front of everyone @Onlyhereforthecomments, and doesn’t stop even when you say something, what if you found yourself alone with him in a lift or a corridor or something?

why isn’t your H saying something?

MasterBeth · 02/06/2024 09:46

Sex pests rely on people not making a fuss or creating a scene.

Many of us have been socialised in ways that put their needs before our needs.

Make a fuss.

Cause a scene.

Get allies (your friend, your husband) to help.

GerbilsForever24 · 02/06/2024 09:48

Call it out, loudly, at the time. If necessary, leave. You can "keep the peace" by accepting it as a drunken mistake and his subsequent apology, but still make it clear it's totally unacceptable.

Inspireme2 · 02/06/2024 09:52

I would tell him face to face.
I would also include his partner as part of the conversation.
Direct is how someone like this put in his place.
Probably gets off on the fact he is inappropriate when drinking.

kalokagathos · 02/06/2024 10:30

I have a neighbour like this. He was touching up all his partners friends when drunk and saying deeply inappropriate stuff. He has unmedicated ADHD also. They split up. It was too embarrassing. He was very wealthy and her friends all tolerated it and kept coming back for lavish parties 😳😱 Mind boggles!

ThePoshUns · 02/06/2024 15:05

I used to work with registered sex offenders , a few of them had convictions for sexual touching in similar circumstances as you described OP.
He wants to be careful he doesn't pick on the wrong person ( actually the right person) or he might find himself with a conviction and time on the register.

duchessofsilk · 02/06/2024 15:11

He wants to be careful he doesn't pick on the wrong person ( actually the right person) or he might find himself with a conviction and time on the register.

Yep- and get punched squarely in the face by another woman's husband