To think it's not ok for a 17yo to spend all summer in his room

[rainman24]

Just coming up to the end of half term and thinking ahead to the summer. 17yo has never had a PT job and doesn't seem inclined to get one. His dad thinks he should be focusing on his studies but he doesn't really spend time studying so it's a bit of a moot point. He's at college but will have the summer off. He's spent the last week sleeping til past 1pm and then gaming in his room. I don't think this is healthy and I worry about his lack of work ethic. AIBU? What do your 17yo's spend their holidays doing?

He needs a job even if it's a part time one. Last summer (my son is doing a'levels this year) was long but he had a job doing shifts locally and it was a god send. They get bored and having their own money means they can do stuff easily outside the house when not working without asking you for cash (and them being moany when you refuse!) good luck - local cafes/ national trust places/ festivals etc are all good places to look

No way would my 17 year old be doing that. It’s a one way street to depression. He needs a job, to join some sort of club, anything to get out and about. A few long lie ins yes but not all week.

working in a local nurseries, 10 mins on his bike, from 8-5,
at 17, in the summer before Uni, beefed him up, healthy,
outdoors most of the time, weary the first week, then off
to work, this turns them from schoolboys into young men

be prepared for his ravenous appetite though

He needs a job. Nothing good is going to come from festering in his rooms for weeks in end.

I wouldn't let a 17 yo game 24/7.
Get a job. Study. Help around the house.
Deserve your screentime/time off.

Ours have done summer school, work, friends, stuff around the house and of course gaming.

You are right, It's not healthy. He's still a teen, under your roof. I'd sit down with him and get him to make plans for the summer. I used to get my DSs to create small achievable goals for the summers - a fitness goal, a music goal, a small fun academic goal (eg reading 1 book that interests them from each subject they are taking to A level, watch one documentary on each A level subject, listen to one podcast on each A level subject etc.) And a financial goal to save a certain amount and also to earn enough to buy or do something they really want which is slightly out of their price range. Add a couple of fun days out with you, and a short holiday somewhere, and plot the summer. Help him get a CV together, and maybe ask around friends locally if they know of any jobs going in cafes or theme parks or children's summer camps etc.

Mine got a part time job. Some gaming, but that's ok given he was working and organising himself. He also passed his driving test 8 weeks after turning 17 so spent the summer out and about.

Mine had a job at that age , I do think a work ethic is a great thing to encourage and it gives them something to put on their cv

Ok, different perspective. My 17yo son will game a lot of the summer, but he gets a lot of interaction with friends while doing that. He is ND and I think being out with people takes it out of him more than others his age. His sister (also ND) got a job age 18 and only managed two weeks before stress and anxiety got too much.

I tend to think the decision needs to come from them. Work ethic can come later. It's probably partly because I was raised this way - only had one summer job in all my years in sixth form and university.

Probably too much gaming this week for ds1, 16. But he has broken it up with at least temporarily visiting the real world at intervals so I've let him be.

This week he's been to one family BBQ on Sunday (about 5 hours), basketball training on Monday for 1.5 hours, out for food with friends on Tuesday for about 2 hours, basketball training again on Wednesday for 1.5 hours and a party on Thursday night where he was out 6pm-midnight. The rest of the time he's been home, gaming, sleeping or 'revising' - I have doubts as to how much revision he's actually done though. The main bulk of his GCSE's is done and he only has a couple left now.

In longer holidays (Easter, Summer, Xmas) I'm far more motivated to drag him out and about with us. I don't think a full week in a room gaming is healthy at all.

@rainman24 what is your son usually like? Does he have friends and outside interests other than gaming? I completely agree that staying in his room is very unhealthy but it’s easier to make suggestions with a bit more information on his usual routine.

This in spades. He needs useful occupation or real life will come as a massive shock to him in September.

He sometimes meets up with friends but it's more often after college and nothing really gets arranged in the holidays.

He's interested in music, apart from that it's just the gaming.

16 y dd

works about 12 hours a week term time

tends to do extra shifts in holidays

has one friend that she often does something with at least once a week

she’s does rangers once a week and karate once a week

she does like to be in her bed if she has a day doing nothing, I do think it’s important they have down time too

But how does he pay for stuff he wants ? Do you give him the money ? No way would i let my 17 year old do this. Needs a job.

He's my stepson. I don't give him money but his parents do, not sure how much. Maybe the answer is that he doesn't get money any more but I have limited influence over the situation.

Mine all worked term time and during school holidays. It did them the world of good- especially my kids who didn’t work hard at school but were motivated to do well at work.

Ah that makes a lot of difference. What does your DH think? And does DSS live with you?

Perhaps find some music events that might interest him or just talk over meals about stuff he could get into? Do you live near to places that showcase modern art/ local music?

I'm with this PP. My son definitely got himself addicted to gaming. He's 25 now. He has turned out fine, BUT, at 17 got his first job, met his girlfriend there, hen passed his driving test, then went to Uni. All of those things contributed towards him getting off gaming and into the real world. Gaming did not turned him into a mass murderer but he needed a gentle leg up into adulthood.

If he is your stepson then his father is the one who needs to step up.

You also need to look at whether there is no underlying cause for this:

• could he be depressed? has he become addicted to gaming and detached from the real world?
• does he have some real friends or does he find himself alone during the holidays because away from college these kids are not that interested in socialising with him
• could you suggest activities (sport for example) that might get him out of the house
• If he likes music he could start a band and meet like-minded friends that way.

Basically you both need to talk to him but avoid the approach of just just telling him 'get out and get a job' without exploring whether there isn't something else going on.

I assume you want to maintain a cordial relationship with him and if you push his father to cut his allowance money and force him to work you will not come out well out of it as a step parent....

No. At 17 mine were out riding, hiking, camping, swimming, tennis, bicycle rides, anything to do with being outside.

I know it’s hard with the gaming and sleeping - seems to be a 17 year old boy’s favourite habits 😌 My 16 year old DS can be a bit this way inclined but he’s just joined a (cheap) local gym, is doing voluntary work experience this summer and does see his mates a fair bit and works hard in term
time.
Can your step-son balance the gaming with some other things like a job/hobby/voluntary stuff; anything to get him out of his bedroom?

If he can’t get a job if you could send him out on jobs eg dm or dmil need x done (with remuneration if possible!) I think they need to be parented like small kids at this age, ds is 16 nearly 17 and we’re like ‘game night with whatever goodies’ or ‘can you help with this and we’ll get x or y’. Last week ds did the shopping, we just collected him and shopping afterwards (it wasn’t too bad either!)

I don't think he'll go to uni either, which doesn't help. But he definitely needs some work experience before he finishes at college.

My 17 year old (doing A levels) has two jobs (pub work and a cleaning job) and the 14 year old works as many hours as he can at a local farm. I do expect them to use their own money to buy things primarily so they learn the value of earning and saving. My 17 year old has just paid for their own car insurance (and that was a lot of saving).
Maybe he needs an incentive. Even if it's better gaming equipment it might actually as motivation to get out there.