Feeling guilty and anxious that I don’t have savings pots for my children

[Boohoo123456]

I feel I’ve failed my kids as I don’t have the means to save much for their financial future.

everyone around me has multiple accounts.

i have a small saving account which I try and stash some in for my eldest and then will do same for my youngest… but it’s also an emergency / holiday account so dip in and out of it.

We just don’t Have the means to squirrel away large amounts of money.

we do however own our own property worth 400k. This is all we have… but for a family of four (two house deposits and two pensions) is not really enough.

i feel like a shit parent.

i feel like nothing I can do is enough.

if I work I’m neglecting their emotional needs and if I don’t work then all our future is fucked.

AIBU?

I am not sure why the worry about kids blowing cash at 18. If parents are responsible with money (as the OP is), their children also tend to be.

My 20 year old dd has had a small inheritance sitting in her bank account (we have to consult an IFA to invest it). She is not spending it.

My 17 year old son buys designer stuff off Vinted for a fraction of the price. He is not buying new branded things. When he comes into his investments at 18, I don't see why that will change.

They know the big sums are for their uni and their house deposits.

I don't know a single person who has a savings pot for their kids. My parents didn't for me, I certainly don't for DS. I don't think my DS's future will be fucked at all, he can get a job and he will have a roof over his head with me as long as he wants.

I would open a junior isa for each of them and just put a few pounds a week or month in. If they get any big gifts or inheritance then it can be topped up

Will they get access to this when they are 18?

Yes

OP, if you are so concerned about having access to it when they are 18, I would suggest saving in your own savings for them or look into a joint account with yourself. As most of the time, yes it's their money once they are an adult.
My DC has 1 account he will have access to when he's 18 (this is the smaller one) and because his dad is like you, he has a 'joint account' which he is named on which his dad pays into every month and it'll remain as a joint account but is quite high interest. His dad fears he will burn through the money. I trust that he will not. So we have 2 separate as we couldn't agree on this.

Considering your age gap and concern about them getting the money at 18 (I feel the same...I've never saved in our dc's names) I would open an ISA in your name, just one.

Bear in mind, you don't need to give your dc money at 18/20 or whatever for it to be worth it. They're still your dc for all of your life and money received in your 30's or 40's is often put to better use than that received at 18! Plus you then have the added boost of compound interest. There's no ticking clock here to panic about.

Here's one example for you (rough, rounded figures but more or less accurate):

• Save £150 a month from now into an ISA at 5%.
• In 22 years, when your eldest is 30, this will have accumulated to a balance of £72k.
• Gift £50k to 30 year old dc1, leaving £22k in the ISA.
• Continue adding to that at £150 a month for the next 8 years and when dc2 turns 30, the balance will be £50k again, which you gift to them.

If you can afford £150 a month which you mentioned, this is within your power to do. A £50k lump each at 30 is a fantastic position to be in.

YANBU to feel this way, a lot of parents feel they’ve let their DC down for lots of different things. But, you are not letting them down.

As suggested, put away a small amount away and talk about it with them and teach them to save. Make it age appropriate, so not “we cant afford to save and you’ll never be able to buy a house”, rather - if we spend a bit less on toys/sweets we can save some money for when you grow up.

This happened to my friends too. I definitely wouldn't give a lump sum at age 18 because of this.

OP don't feel bad. We don't have a savings pot for our DC, I've never really thought much about it as we never had them growing up.

If you can afford it, by all means save a little each month but don't stretch yourself!

Set up a savings account in your child’s name and put birthday money etc in. My children all had / have a few thousand when they turned 18 and it was from birthday / Christmas money and grandparents who give £2 a week from birth - 16. It adds up over the years.

You’re not a bad parent for this. I struggled to save for mine too but just put away £10 a month for each of them in separate accounts. When they get to 21 I can gift them around £3500-4000.

It’s not a huge amount but it has helped my eldest save towards doing his masters and my youngest is going to put it towards a car. Of course I would have loved to give them more but they both know how hard I’ve worked just to be able to give them that.

They understand that it doesn’t mean I love them less or cared less than others who received huge trust funds on their 18th or 21st birthdays. In fact, they probably appreciate the money more because they know it’s been hard to save!

My parents saved £2000 for me and gave it to me on my 18th. I couldn't stop crying with happiness. That paid for a little crappy car that I lived and driving lessons. Meanwhile I finished 6th form and worked for a year before going to uni. My parents allowed me to to stay rent free and food free for the full year on the understanding that I tried to save every penny from my paycheque I and only used a small amount for going out and partying each week.

It worked I was so happy. Top parents if you ask me

You are over thinking it. You will struggle to be fair due to the age gap and if you put the money in their names, you will lose control of it at 18.

Instead save money in your name, then you can use that to spend on whatever they need when the time comes - which may be before 18 or much later. Just make sure you only save what you can afford and don't allow yourself to dip into it.

Most children won't grow up to have a huge fund at the ready - they'll get jobs and earn their own money, as that's what grown ups do. You could even argue that is a better way to do things.

Working won't hurt your children emotionally - most mothers work these days. As long as you can find good childcare and are emotionally available when you are with them, they will be fine.

It sounds to me that anxiety is having a significant detrimental effect on you though - children will pick up on this. Have you talked to your doctor to get sone support with this?

Exactly. Not all kids are like that. My 19yr old hates taking anything out of his savings as he loses the bonus interest! His gf is the same and hates spending her childhood savings.

I was another sensible child who didn't waste what my parents had saved for me - but i have put my son's savings in my name for now. I used mine for a deposit on our first home. My fiance had nothing saved for him. His parents had apparently saved but spent it when things got tough😐 (if that was me I would have saved again for them as they have since been comfortable..)

We knew that the kids wouldn't get a full maintenance loan at uni, so saved what we could in a regular saver account in our name. We've used it to pay their rent at uni. And we have enough left to pay their rental deposit and a few months rent whilst they get established in a job. (They can live here if they choose, but want to give them a leg up when they do move on... whenever that is.)

@Boohoo123456 the first saver they do have access to at 18. My 19yo hasn't touched hers though, I doubt my 17yo's will either as they know this money won't reappear after taking 18 years to find.

My OH saved into a Halifax account in his name (moved around to get best interest rate) and we are gifting them £500 a year at 18/19/20 to support driving lessons, travelling, uni living expenses etc. My eldest bought an interrail ticket with hers to travel for a few weeks after a levels.

So if you're worried about them blowing it perhaps save in your name and control how it's used. Good luck x

@Boohoo123456 could you set up one each, but pay more into the elder child's account to make up for lost time.

Children often have different attitudes to spending/saving as they get older, so personally I would want them to have a pot each.

Have a look at children's specific savings accounts or a Cash ISA per child. Note, they are unlikely to pay tax on the amount even if it's not in a tax free wrapper.

Money Saving Expert will have a good overview on the best accounts. Often your own bank is the best place to start with an account per child.

I used to save £10-£15 a week for my son. I must admit some weeks I missed as it wasn't always affordable. If people gave him money when he was younger it went straight into the account.
When he was 18 there was 5 grand in the account for him.

Little bits do add up.

I don't know anyone whose parents saved for them. I certainly didn't get any lump sum from my parents.
Me neither! I also never had the money to save when DC were young.
Now they are older I will allow them to stay living with me ( if they want to) while working/apprentice-ing , until 21, and contribute to their Lifetime ISA ( I think it’s 400 a month max?) so that should build up, but they’ll have to be earning something for me to do that.
And that is for a flat deposit. I can’t see the benefit of just handing an 18 year old 20k or whatever. Mine would be off to Ibiza to blow the lot in two weeks. The scrimping for years would NOT be worth it!

When I left home I had my meagre possessions in the "family" suitcase.

It was all my mum had to give me. I still have it 44 years on... a reminder of where I came from.

We had zero for both our DCs when they were small. They'll get something under our Wills tho.

I doubt everyone has loads of savings for their kids. If you don't have it, you don't talk about it.

We don't. Instead we have focussed on:

• paying off our mortgage so we can afford the parents' contributions to their living costs at uni
• equip them to get a job at 16, give them lifts etc to support them working alongside their studies (but not too much)
• paying for driving lessons and taking them out to practice
• Running a suitable (modest) car ourselves that they can borrow.

These feel far more important to us than randomly gifting them thousands to spend on a car, house deposit, festivals or travelling.

My parents were enormously supportive and well off. They even paid for private school. But they never handed me thousands on a plate for the sake of it. Especially not at 18. I learned a lot from living month to month in my first graduate job.

I don't understand why some seem to think it is necessary to save for your DCs house deposit. Nice if you can but most can't.

I now save for my DC as I can now afford to but for many years I couldn't, and the value of those savings won't be huge as a result. It will be enough to help them. Meanwhile they both have part time jobs and know they have to also save for what they want.

We started managed funds for our DC. Intended to keep putting in but couldn't afford it. There'll be enough to buy a car, a trip, uni support etc., but not a deposit. I've got a largish 'pension' & could give each a deposit from that.

But I'm not going to. We've decided we sacrifice enough for DC, and DH & I want to enjoy our retirement & not work until 70. At some point we need to put ourselves first! DC are welcome to stay at home, though.

No one gave us a cent, and having to scrape for a few years really taught us how to manage money!