Texting with intent

[Butterfingers1977]

Relationship 3 years , would have staked my life in DP being honest but found out yesterday the texts between him and another woman have gone from flirty to arranging a meet up secretly with intent . Would you consider this cheating ? At the very least it is lying and has come completely out of the blue ....we agreed we were the happiest we have ever been just now ( first relationship for both of us after divorce and has just moved in together )The texts were found out and not volunteered , and the meet up irl did not happen.
AIBU to end it ?
No not U - it's a betrayal of trust and it's too hard to regain that if at all therefore we are doomed.
Yes being U - it's a mistake and nothing happened regardless of intent. Don't throw 3 years of good away and the chance of a good future over something that was a moment of madness on his part.
Help me make a decision please ? Xxx

Thank u all in advance for helping with my procrastination:( I don't want to make the wrong decision x

of course you should leave, he's an asshole who doesn't respect or value his commitment to you so was flirting with another woman planning to meet her.

You aren’t really ending anything—he is. The relationship you thought you had doesn’t exist.

Yes obviously it counts as cheating. Even if he was flirting with another woman and didn’t even arrange to meet, it would still be cheating.

Only you can decide whether you want to stay with a cheater or not…

Yes it is BUT did he back out of it because he realised that it would be a betrayal or other reasons?

That's exactly how I feel if I am honest. But it really is complete disbelief that all was good. He simply doesn't understand why I am not immediately forgiving him .

Yes good point - this is becoming very clear xxx

Of course it’s cheating. Just the flirty texts were cheating imo but the arranging to meet up is another level, even if it didn’t happen. Get rid of him now before he actually physically cheats.

I suppose I am looking to technically clarifying in this day and age. So texting alone is enough? I wanted to see what everyone's thoughts are. My 13 year marriage was DV and really messed up in my head what is normal or not and I am too humiliated to ask anyone in RL .

I don't know - prob never will I suppose. They were discovered the information was not volunteered .

“So texting alone is enough?”
You don’t need anyone to clarify this - if it’s enough for you then yes it’s enough! If it helps then yep just the texting would be a deal breaker for me.

I feel like a complete twat . Honestly . After my divorce it took almost 3 years for me to let him move in which he did 3 weeks ago ! We have merged furniture and everything and we're planning the rest of our lives and I thought we were super happy . Obviously not .

He was planning adultery. I would assume that's why he's already been divorced once.

He could have been cheating the whole time. You haven't been living together and had the chance to see his messages, I presume. Dump him, he's not who you hoped he was.

Oh man ....I should have remembered there is always two sides to all marriage stories -you are right . :(

Yes it's cheating and betrayal. The fact that he expects you to immediately forgive him also says nothing good about his character.

Are there any kids involved? Get him out of your life ASAP.

Oh god - that hadn't even occured to me !!!.this last 24hours I was wondering if I /we could move forward and me not turn into the jealous phone checking insecure person I am most definitely not but it never occured to me to check his phone or be concerned about the last three years . Bloody hell .I always thought ( perhaps naively) that trust is assumed until proven otherwise. Feel like a dick head now.

You're not a dickhead OP, you are just too trusting, and he's taken advantage of that.

This is why it hurts SO MUCH !! 😔 No kids together but my children actually think the world of him and were instrumental in me deciding it was time to make it all official . I don't even know how to begin to explain to a 10 and 14 year old how this has happened. I waited til they are in bed so I could go to bed in a separate room to him without them knowing anything was up . FFS

I would end it, from experience, you’ll have to work hard to develop trust in him again. You’ll always wonder who he’s messaging and you’ll drive yourself crazy.

He didn’t volunteer this info, you don’t know why it didn’t go ahead but he wanted to cheat on you and was happily messaging someone else. If you’re apparently the happiest you’ve both been in a while then what would he do if your relationship hit a rocky point?

Bloody hell . And this is why I love Mumsnet - in the darkest days of my marriage this community kept me sane and now I am in the middle of yet another thing with clearly another bad choice , you are all massively helping me X I am so grateful - truly xxxx

It wasn't a "moment of madness".
It's shitty timing, it would have been easier if he'd not moved in yet. But don't stay in another relationship where you are not treated with respect just because it would be inconvenient to break up now

That has been my exact words to him - we were so so happy up until 24hours ago - even if we could make it what on earth would happen when we hit a rocky patch - as everyone does. I mean ...blimey .