Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Texting with intent

51 replies

Butterfingers1977 · 29/05/2024 23:19

Relationship 3 years , would have staked my life in DP being honest but found out yesterday the texts between him and another woman have gone from flirty to arranging a meet up secretly with intent . Would you consider this cheating ? At the very least it is lying and has come completely out of the blue ....we agreed we were the happiest we have ever been just now ( first relationship for both of us after divorce and has just moved in together )The texts were found out and not volunteered , and the meet up irl did not happen.
AIBU to end it ?
No not U - it's a betrayal of trust and it's too hard to regain that if at all therefore we are doomed.
Yes being U - it's a mistake and nothing happened regardless of intent. Don't throw 3 years of good away and the chance of a good future over something that was a moment of madness on his part.
Help me make a decision please ? Xxx

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 30/05/2024 00:01

You’re not a dickhead for trusting him OP. This would cross a line for me.

Catsmere · 30/05/2024 00:02

You'll have to explain to them - how old were they when you divorced? If they remember, they at least know that these things happen, I suppose. But in any case you can't let their reactions dictate what you do. He needs to be out. He's not the potential father I bet they were hoping for, either. He's a liar and a cheat and you, and they, deserve better.

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 30/05/2024 00:03

Catsmere · 29/05/2024 23:58

You're not a dickhead OP, you are just too trusting, and he's taken advantage of that.

Why am I so trusting ? Surely people are on the whole , trustworthy ? Like respect , it's assumed and ours to lose. This sucks. I am 46 not 18 I really should do better . :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 30/05/2024 00:06

Catsmere · 30/05/2024 00:02

You'll have to explain to them - how old were they when you divorced? If they remember, they at least know that these things happen, I suppose. But in any case you can't let their reactions dictate what you do. He needs to be out. He's not the potential father I bet they were hoping for, either. He's a liar and a cheat and you, and they, deserve better.

I finally lefty husband 4 years ago , so the kids remember unfortunately but I have tried to protect them from the worst .i am most definitely starting to see that now I have to be honest with them and protect them again.. Another sleepless night ahead - what a horrid feeling this is .

OP posts:
LiterallyOnFire · 30/05/2024 00:08

Once the trust is gone, that's it. Powering over the cracks is just a downwards spiral.

Your DC seeing that you're strong enough to walk away from unsatisfactory or unhealthy partners is a good thing.

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 30/05/2024 00:10

LiterallyOnFire · 30/05/2024 00:08

Once the trust is gone, that's it. Powering over the cracks is just a downwards spiral.

Your DC seeing that you're strong enough to walk away from unsatisfactory or unhealthy partners is a good thing.

I think that is a good and fair point. I just cannot believe he would throw everything - actually everything - on this . Assuming there are more conversations like this I haven't even seen now . This is shit .

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 30/05/2024 00:15

Sorry OP - this really sucks. Please don't beat yourself up.

It's such a pain in the arse that so many men are fundamentally untrustworthy.

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 30/05/2024 00:15

Thank u all who voted / messaged I really appreciate it so much more than u know X am off to try and sleep and switch my brain off somehow for now xxx thank u xxx

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 30/05/2024 00:15

With the kids, I would just keep it simple and drama free. "We realised that we made a mistake."

It's horrible timing, but then again it's better than finding out after three more years together.

LiterallyOnFire · 30/05/2024 00:15

It's a big shock. Be kind to yourself and eat chocolate for the endorphins.

Unforgettablefire · 30/05/2024 00:16

Catsmere · 29/05/2024 23:50

He was planning adultery. I would assume that's why he's already been divorced once.

This.
He's a snake OP and this could just be the tip of the iceberg. You deserve better.

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 30/05/2024 00:16

It really hurts . 48 hours ago I was happy . Now I am facing a very very different future to the one I thought . It's shit . But thank you so much for posting xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 30/05/2024 00:17

LiterallyOnFire · 30/05/2024 00:15

It's a big shock. Be kind to yourself and eat chocolate for the endorphins.

Great idea :) xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 30/05/2024 00:17

taylorswift1989 · 30/05/2024 00:15

With the kids, I would just keep it simple and drama free. "We realised that we made a mistake."

It's horrible timing, but then again it's better than finding out after three more years together.

That's very good advice indeed xx thank you xx

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/05/2024 00:19

Has he moved in with you ?

if so, how quickly can you move him out ?!!!

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 30/05/2024 00:19

To the 4% who have voted that IABU - really genuinely interested in why ? X

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 30/05/2024 00:22

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/05/2024 00:19

Has he moved in with you ?

if so, how quickly can you move him out ?!!!

After almost 3 years he has just 3 weeks ago moved in . We sold furniture and appliances , merged houshold stuff and everything. It's a nightmare - he has to find somewhere to go first , then re furnish it or take his stuff and then I have to buy replacements. It's going to be an absolute pain to be honest. Shit I wish I knew this 4 weeks ago .

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 30/05/2024 00:23

He slept in his car last night , tonight we are in separate rooms ( I am using my eldest DS room as he works away )

OP posts:
LifeInTheRaw · 30/05/2024 00:28

Even if it was "just this one time".., for me that would be enough.
Especially as you say that he was found out. That says to me, it could've progressed further if it was still his dirty secret.
If he's got a need to seek out a separate liaison to you, then that's on him.
You trusted him after a reasonable before moving him in period.
I would say you not TOO trusting, it's that your trust has been abused, and he's not only effed you up in your trust of him, but now you have the task of explaining to your children why he's gonna be leaving.
I suppose you could use it as a tool to teach your kids that in any kind of friendship, at any age, it's possible to not get it right...
Please don't be too harsh on yourself, you thought you could be happy, and to progress with this person, who up to your discovery, showed you all you wanted to see... if we never trusted any, and always thought we are being lied to, then there would be no relationships.
Up to you how you handle this, coz for me it'd have to be no... coz I'd always be on a hot tin roof wondering "if".... and I'd end up driving him away anyway, coz I'm sure he'd "see" the mistrust in my eyes and attitude.
Also, by letting him stay, are you teaching your kids that it's ok to be lied to... even if it's by omission?
I'm so sorry OP, it's awful to at long last feel relaxed, and excited for the future, then to suddenly have the rug pulled.
Take some time out for you with and also when the kids aren't with you...
You value yourself, your way of thinking, and don't waste anymore of your precious life with someone who has proved NOT to value you or your family.
xx

Catsmere · 30/05/2024 00:32

I would say you not TOO trusting, it's that your trust has been abused, and he's not only effed you up in your trust of him, but now you have the task of explaining to your children why he's gonna be leaving.

Thank you , that's a much better way of putting it.

FarmGirl78 · 30/05/2024 01:23

Would I consider that cheating?

Hell yes.

ManilowBarry · 30/05/2024 02:40

Why waste another second being with someone who is sly, deceptive and doesn't feel you are enough and seeks pleasure elsewhere?

It's tough and distressing to split up but if you stay you will never trust him and the relationship will most likely fail further down the line.

andfinallyhereweare · 30/05/2024 04:17

As hard as it is to hear but happy people don’t do this, there will be something missing (not that that is your fault) something in him missing, such as a capacity to love/be intimate.

staying won’t change that. I’m sorry.

Zanatdy · 30/05/2024 04:24

It would probably be over for me. Remember OP that a lot of people on here say they’d end it 100% but most women do forgive and move on, for various reasons. Not suggesting that’s what you should do, but I want to flag that it’s your life and your decision, and you’re not an idiot if you did choose to give him another chance. Very difficult timing for you, whatever you decide wishing you well

MsDogLady · 30/05/2024 06:30

He simply doesn’t understand why I am not immediately forgiving him.

@Butterfingers1977, if this is true, then he is a controller who lacks remorse, empathy, and emotional intelligence. A truly remorseful partner would never even consider dictating your recovery schedule. His focus would be on restoring your trust and helping you heal via total transparency, patience, and examination of his character deficiencies that enabled his dishonesty and infidelity.

I’m wondering who minimized his cheating as ‘a moment of madness.’ This was certainly no ‘moment.’ He’s been investing his emotional resources to build this illicit flirtatious relationship with OW. He felt entitled to pursue the attraction and ego validation. How do they know each other?

@Butterfingers1977, this devious man who cannot be trusted would no longer have the privilege of sharing my and my children’s lives.